Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 15:  Life of Dreams Vol.2, The REAL Nightmare Begins...

Thinking back to the night of the fire, I see it still so vividly in my mind. I am left to wonder how it got that far beyond my control...  I watch the playback whenever it is mentioned, when ever I think about it, even as a passing thought.... so just imagine how it felt back then.  It was like super slow motion or something...  recording every little detail of the event, of the night, what people said to me, at me, or about me...  the mental pictures are incredibly clear.  It's almost like my own personal 9/11 only years and years before... not so many casualties, but the devastation it caused in so many different ways...

From the moment I heard about the fire, to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I may have still had an ounce of hope.  Hope that maybe somebody would believe my side of the story... When I arrived at the hospital, I was delivered to the police as if to say they all knew me better than I knew myself...

From the moment I arrived at the Hospital ER, and my brother gave me that look at said what he said, I knew what was coming... and I didn't know what to do.  Both of my friends were there and switched on me before I could even say a word.  My parents would not talk to me, only through an officer even sitting in the same room... Everybody was suddenly against me, why was I so surprised at that time in my life?

I had to eat a lot of shit that night, the things people said to me, the cops... The things the cops said to me, I learned very quick to shut my mouth and not say anything...  I was in a serious situation and there was no way out.. I thought of leaving the hospital and had the chance to do so, but I stopped and hesitated and began to internalize everything I had, my emotions, etc. it was the only thing I could think of to keep myself strong in the moment. 

After the Intervention style interrogation at the hospital, my parents left and told me the police just wanted to "talk," and that was the last time I saw them for awhile... the officers took me to the cruiser and stuffed me in the back and laughed at me all the way to the station... they tricked me, and I fell for it.  They took me into custody, at the station is where I spent the next several hours alone in either a room for questioning or a cold cell waiting for the next round of questioning... I don't know for sure how long I was there, they kept me awake for so long, no food or water... it wasn't my first time at the station, but this time they really were trying to break me.  Up until that point, they had usually left me with all my clothes while in holding, they took my shoe laces and belt and wouldn't allow me to have a blanket...

While in Questioning, they threatened me every few minutes when I told them I didn't do it, threatened with beatings and hard time... What they really wanted was a confession, on video they even told me.   When I finally agreed, the gave me a drink and I sat in front of the camera until I finished my drink, then told them again... that I did not do it!

Because it was a Friday, I waited in the holding cell at the station until morning or so... not sure what time it was, when they came to get me the took me to the detention center... for the weekend.  Metro Toronto West Detention, was the holding facility for young offenders at the time.  They welcomed me to my new home, sarcastically, and that was the last time I saw the outside of the building...

I had only been out at that point for a little over a month, and now had graduated to the next level of the jail system.  I was not impressed with my situation at all.  There really was no escape at this point.  I was a very busy weekend at the jail, that same night I was arrested so were another 500 or so young offenders, the place was way over crowded.  It wasn't just a youth jail, it was a women's jail and a adult men's jail as well.  The youth area was just a converted section.  The youth section had a capacity for something around 200, but for that first weekend the population had doubled...

When Monday rolled around it was time to go to court, bail hearings mostly...  A first of many for me, all delayed and never set.  Needless to say I did not make bail.  My family did show up with a lawyer, who charged a retainer and hourly for being there, only to  quit a week later.  My next bail hearing was put off for over a month to determine my mental capacity and fitness to stand trial... So hear came the doctors and the assessments, etc..

It becomes very difficult to follow the path of changing one's ways when someone gets incarcerated along the way... it really makes you think about things and what you may have done differently...  Although I had been involved with a lot of crime, I never had any intention of landing in jail... kind of a dumb way to think about it too... it was probably inevitable, turns out that I was actually a pretty late arrival.  most of the guys I was in there with at the time had already been in and out of jail for years...  This was just winter for many of them...


   

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 14: Mini Biography Vol. 4

This is Volume 2 of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  As the Sauga continues, a Dream come true or a Nightmare turned reality?  Take a read...  

THE Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 
Vol. 2, The Birth (FLAME & ASH)

It was December 8, 1995, a Friday when young Mr. Brown's worst nightmare came true.  As he was preparing with a couple friends to DJ a house party, the news came through a phone call.  His house was on Fire and burning down.... A reoccurring nightmare that became reality was not only a sign, but the beginning of a new era of his life, that would change the way he saw the world forever.

Born from the ash like a Phoenix, Freeze Flame, as came to be known was a vision of the future.  His vision of change from his negative ways, and his total driving force for instituting this idea....  Freeze Flame was a name for later, but a name kept for the proper timing. 

It may not have been known to many at the time, but Red a little over a year earlier had made a conscious decision to cut back and eventually stop what trouble he had caused over the years...  By the time these Reoccurring dreams had started he had become quite obsessed with the Life of Dreams he had been living during this time.  This allowed him to gradually get away from the criminal lifestyle he had previously chosen. 

By the time of this incident, the house fire, Red had more or less effectively removed himself from what crimes he had committed early on, but after quite a turbulent year, most people did not see it that way.... They Only saw one thing, a young troubled kid that continued to getting "caught." 

Red's Focus has turned from street crime long before this incident.  He had taken an interest in Music and Entertainment, and wanted to be a part of an industry that had no idea of who he was.  His Interest had gravitated to Hip Hop Culture and its Music stylings, He lived, breathed, ate, slept the music almost literally.

At a much younger age he had been introduced to the Music known as Rap, but after further research  he found knowledge through Hip Hop Culture, still a relatively ignored aspect of the music in the early 90's.  Red made it the focus of all his attentions, even school took a distant second.  The one rule  Red had chosen for himself was to finish school, High School, at minimum.  At the time, passing was the goal, just passing was the only thing that mattered.  Whether by a mere percentage point or more.

Music on the other hand was another thing entirely, he had to get music, listen to it, learn it... either just know as much as possible about it, memorize lyrics, or write some of his own...  he really had no idea of how to write lyrics, but he was fairly poetic and began at an early age detailing his life's events in a poetic form, through rhymes and somewhat structured verse that came across like riddles.... to most people this type of idea did not make sense.

In the days that preceded the house fire, Red, once again stopped sleeping and took to the streets in an attempt to rid his mind of the occurrence of  these dreams....  they were both disrupting his Life of Dreams, something that he had become sort of attached to, but also his Reality... In one sense, without sleep he was not functioning properly.

He had gone out days before and found a guy that was readying to sell all his stereo equipment, including some audio recording equipment, and turntables, etc... worth a lot of money...  The seller wanted a substantial amount of money, thousands of dollars, but Red was able to get a bargain...  He talked him down to a couple hundred for everything... mainly because the seller had upgraded already and just didn't need the old equipment...

On the day on the fire, Red returned home only to discover his new stash of equipment missing, stolen.... just gone.... it was a devastating setback for the future of young Red, he would have to start all over again.  Equipment that he had bargained for and paid for with his own money.... now, he again had nothing, no money, no equipment.  He later left the house, after him and his father visited the probation officer that Red was assigned at the time, to go help out with the house party.

Little did he know what was about to happen, his Worst Nightmare was about to come to light and set him back from his new found goals for much longer than he would have ever anticipated.  Red, never went back to the house, never was able to see the devastation presented to him in the form of a reoccurring nightmare. He would later regret what he didn't witness in Reality and be forced again, to relive the reoccurring nightmares for months and years to come only to wonder and question; how close, how real, and at times, IF this event even ever really happened....

The house fire, that spawned the Ash that gave birth to the Phoenix, named Freeze Flame... was a true to reality nightmare that crossed the threshold of the Life of Dreams to reveal the bottom of Red's young world, and set him on a path that would take many years, more setbacks, as well as small milestones that would allow the pair(Red Brown & Freeze Flame) to rise from the Ash to take shape...

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 13:  The Irony of Innocence vs. Karma

Upon my release, on October 17, 1995, from my first experience with incarceration I was ask by my mother, where I wanted to go.  I told her home, but I was left to wonder what she meant by that at the time.  Thinking back, I have always believed that it was meant to be more than just a question of driving direction.  It was only too late when I finally realized that it might have made a difference if I had said something else.

We drove back to our neighborhood, and the following day I went back to my same school.  When I arrived in each class, people looked at me like I had been a missing person or something, asking where I had been, and why... When I told them.  I had now been sober for well over a month, and the feeling was new... I was burnt out, and tired.  I felt like the whole thing was a blur, the time in custody had dragged on for some time, but only a month had passed on the outside.  It was almost as if things weren't real anymore, I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew I was walking in reality.

I also finally realized that all my thoughts and efforts to change really had not been enough, maybe I really did need to change everything... the people, the place, myself and my actions, etc.  I went on with my life, now on Probation, as much as possible.  I tried to go to school and catch up, and complete my correspondence course.  All these things presented a challenge to me.  I was going out of my mind, wondering what I should do... in most cases, I just wanted to run away, get on a bus or something and just never come back.

It was probably about a week before I got high again, as soon as I did...  I was calm, but still filled with questions and hopeful images of my own potential.  I remember sitting with a friend on her doorstep talking about everything, she was very surprised at how open I was with her about what I wanted to be doing and where I was stuck.  We sat and talked late into the night, then she said goodnight and went in.  We never again mentioned that talk, but I never forgot it because I think it changed us both, just a little for the better.  I realized that I could communicate my intentions, and she realized there was much more to me than what she had originally thought.

With winter fast approaching, not a sole was outside when she left that night, I wasn't ready to go home... I wondered the neighborhood for quite some time that night, just thinking by myself...  I did want something different, and had no idea how to get there.  As the days and weeks went by, my mind was racing... my life was more complicated, my probation officer was an asshole and threatened me with breach each and every time I went to visit him.  My family, outside my parents wanted nothing to do with me, only based on what they had heard of me, I found that I was wasting my time in school that year, I was just way too far behind and had no idea what was going on.

I was also struggling with my world of dreams, I had been living out a reoccurring dream night after night that was haunting me, and I couldn't control it for the life of me.  Our family's home life was deteriorating with the stress of trying to keep me out of trouble.  My own brother and me, living in the same house at the time were no longer speaking.  Not entirely sure if that was by choice by either of us, or just the family detachment. 

It finally got to a point, where they must have gave up on me, and I stopped going home, I was rarely going to school and if I was I was just hanging out in the halls all day.... my plans to change were completely back firing and landing me in even more problems than I had planned for...

On December 8, 1995 I had been gone for a few days, and was on my way home when a friend stopped me in the street and told me I had been reported missing... So I continued on my way home.  My father was waiting for me and we had a pretty bad argument followed by a trip to my probation Officer, where they both threatened me with breach and a few months in jail, etc.. afterward nothing had changed and my dad dropped me off at home and left for work....

Earlier that week, I had made a deal to buy some Audio Equipment and because I didn't go home I had stashed it in my parent's back yard for a few days.... only to come home and find it was gone, along with the money I had used to pay for it...  I decided not to go into the house, and left the back yard and walked over to a friend's house.  They were getting ready to host a house party as Dj for the night, and invited me to join them in getting ready...

As we finished packing things up for transport, we were taking a break in his kitchen.  They were asking me where I had been and I was explaining as we all heard the roar of sirens and horns racing up the street, the phone rang... another friend had called to tell him, that my house was on Fire...  My friend hung up and looked at me and told me what was going on... We were all in shock...  I had no idea as to what to do, so we continued with our plans.  We all walked to the other guys house, right past my own street...  I couldn't bare to go up, and I realized that everything in my dream was actually taking place.... My jaw dropped at my own realization, and I was unable to speak until much later... I didn't know what to do or where to go... and everybody had already thought or assumed that I had set fire to my own home...

I couldn't get a hold of my parents, I called another friend's house and his father told me to get to the hospital, my brother was there... I needed to then get a ride, and found one with my friend's mother, they both accompanied me.  I went into the ER to find my brother, as he pretty much told me to fuck off, assuming that I had did it too...

My was heart broken, I had spent the last many months staying away from crime absolutely, committing it and  being a part of it.  Still everybody pointed at me, My brother, my parents, our neighbors, my friends, and of course the police.  For the police, they even told me later that night, the solution was easy... they suggested that I just admit to it, take the blame and save them time wasted with an investigation... They told me details, that I have wondered about til this day, how they knew or where they got that info if they had not yet investigated...  They told me about our family pets, and why my brother was in the hospital, details of the scene, and how it was done... and that they had proof it was me...

I didn't say a word, I didn't know what to say... All I could mutter was that it wasn't me, and why would I do this to my own home?  This was before I was actually arrested, it looked like an intervention in a small meeting room at the hospital.  My parents, My friend and her mom, and a couple cops.... nobody cared whether I did it or not, they just blamed me anyway... no matter what I said... 

To this day, I think about that one... it was the day that I was judged, not by a court or by a god... But by each and every person I had known at the time.  I thought It may have been one of the worst days of my life, but the worst was yet to come.... My family chose to abandon me, My so-called friends did too, in other ways.  They chose not to believe me but to believe rumors and stories of people that may or may not have been there.

It was a long time before I could think clearly.  I knew I was innocent, I knew for a fact that I hadn't been there for hours... But I also later realized that I had committed so many other crimes that I had never been caught for or punished.  In this situation, Karma, I feel played a huge part. The police had me right where they wanted for the first time ever, really.... in a real tight spot.  I had never really denied any of my criminal activity, but I never really ever promoted it either... Karma was a muthafucker, and as much as I wanted to change my life, this was the last thing that had crossed my mind...

I didn't know where I was, I felt like I was living in a dream.... and couldn't wake up.  I never did get to see the house after the fire, I have no idea what it really looked like... All I have is a collection of images from a re-occurring dreams months before.... everything was a Haze, and I was literally left with the clothes on my back, and nothing else...

The Change I had been yearning for had come as Violently and as Destructive as anything I could have imagined, now.... that change being so drastic would require a climb out of hell like no other...   

The Change had come, now redemption, evolution, realization, growth, focus and drive, etc... were things I needed to find...

 

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 12:  Mini Biography, Vol 3.,

This is Volume 3 of the Mini Biography Series.  This happens to be the first volume, known as the Prequel, of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  Detailing the events that lead up to the event to which Freeze Flame takes it name.  Some what of a birth of a new entity, and a change in a young man that would last a lifetime.

The Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 
 Vol.1, The Prequel

It was the early-mid 90's, an unknown young Kid at the time, Red Brown had taken a very keen interest in Music, among other things.  During these secondary activities, Red would develop a taste for marijuana, in particular.  His musical interests more or less focused on Hip Hop Culture and the music related.  He found himself profoundly relating to some of the story lines portrayed within these Raps & Rhymes... He saw it as a form of poetry with a street smart vision that he had become accustomed to over recent years.  Poetry from the streets, Rhyme schemes formed, somewhat, into riddles and well thought out stories of one's past adventures and tribulations in a life filled with struggle.

Unlike many, Young Red, saw this a positive form of expression... Where many others heard the glorification of guns, drugs, and violence.  Other people heard the language being used, a lot of cursing, and completely tuned out the message as a whole.  Upon finding a focus, in an artistic form of poetry made for people who could relate, brought a spark to Red's mind, an idea of how to change his own life.  Make a change in his life, and bring a more positive outlook for his future possibilities.

Although Red's mind was hazy and distorted, his idea made much sense to him and started to plan and structure his ideas.  One main Idea was to build a company, from the ground up... In a sense from nothing.  That was part of another idea, is that he would have to do this in a way that would give himself credibility.  Red's family was in no way rich, but didn't have enough money to fund an idea such as this.  This left only one choice that he knew of, an idea of how to raise the necessary funds to undertake a project of this size.

Red's focus again shifted, he thought that maybe he could first construct a criminal empire that would make enough money, and then later switch over to making money legitimately.  His ideas were straying  and losing focus, but the concept as a whole remained intact.  He always had a knack for writing, considered good at it by teachers, and family members.. He found creative ways to stay focused on his idea, now a goal of his.  He eventually decided against transforming a criminal empire because the people he thought of as friends were not quite as ambitious or hopeful. 

The main focus was on Music, in what sense, he did not yet know.   He turned to his dreams for guidance, as many people in his reality were not as supportive of these types of business ventures.  Red had been a big dreamer, with such detailed and vivid dreams... He lost touch with what could be and what really was.  He could distinguish the two, but at times... His dreams presented visions, in a sense, of the potential of his own mind...

Red continued writing, and taking down notes about the things he had seen in his dreams, he had an interest in film making as well.  His family had bought a camcorder at some point, so he was given access to the use of it.... During free time, he would experiment with certain ways of making films using household items and stop motion animation, this way he didn't see it necessary to make himself the primary focus in these little side projects.  The creative, it seemed it where he excelled and was most vocal.

It wasn't until early 1995, when he was shown a future uncertain and quite frightening to him.  He continued to pursue his ideas and goals, and genuinely tried to cut down on his criminal activities.  Over the span of a few weeks time, Red was trying to name his company in an attempt to make it more of a reality even if only for himself.  Again, He turned to his dreams... as he was fairly used to having vivid spiritually dreams that presented to him many forms of symbolism, such as choices and directions in life.  He wanted to choose a path that would take him away from crime, but also one where he didn't  have to hide it from the world as a past shame.

One night after a long week of partying and drinking, etc. Red chose to go home, and take some time to himself, get some sleep, etc...  Red had previously found a method of making his dreams even more Lucid... He wanted mainly to be able to remember them clearly when he awoke.  He found that if he played music in his sleep, or through headphones wrapped around his skull, that his dreams became very realistic and he was also able to remember them much more clearly.  He had started doing this months before, when he received a small stereo system as a gift.  And using his skills began to collect some music that he had taken an interest in.

On this particular night, Red went through with his plans to gain some rest and alone time... Upon doing so, he went to sleep and began to live the Life of Dreams once more, a regular occurrence, but not always in a controlled setting. 

This night was the beginning of the idea of being able to work in the music industry, but it was also the beginning of the end of his Criminal ways in life.  What he saw within his dream world, was not a new dream.... But a vision of a reality yet to present itself...

It was devastatingly overwhelming, it both gave Young Red an idea for a name, but also an overwhelming feeling of desperation to change his life's path as quickly as possible.   Easier said than done... His vision repeated night after night, until he saw the final product from start to finish... What he saw within his vision was the destruction of his family home in a violent fire.... as well as a small chunk of the aftermath of such a catastrophic event...

The vision became Red's fear, and he began attempting to alter his Dream Life patterns, to see if such changes would affect the outcome.  His Life of Dreams became consumed with this new force, no matter what he did, Red seemed to be trapped in the same outcome.  

Red did what he could to just not sleep, as often as possible...  Focusing more on what he could do to alter his reality, his path in life, and choices that affected these aspects.  His love for the music took over his life, he did everything he could to be a part of it, mainly writing his own story....     

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 11:  Choices Vol. 3, A turbulent '95

Moving forward in my young life, was harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Speaking of Environment preventing change, 1995 came along without even a glimpse of reality.  I was losing control of my Life of Dreams, and my reality... It got to a point at times to the two were so similar and closely linked that it melded together and I could not tell the difference.  This was the first winter that my drug use carried over into the hockey season, a choice I had simply forgotten about, I suppose...

1995, was the year that started a noticeable pattern, in my life as well as in the neighborhood's infinite cycle... As I came out of my winter hibernation (crime spree), I was still playing hockey, little did I know this was my last season. I was in the second semester at school, third suspension in two years, going on fourth.

I still treated school quite like a joke, as I could show up or not, and still pass the classes...  Example, My grade 10 math class... I hated the teacher, he was worth cutting open... I showed for 17 classes and my exam... my final mark was self imposed 24 percent or something close to that.  17 for my appearances, and I guess the remainder for showing up to the exam and maybe getting some answers right...

As spring break rolled around I was once again suspended, this time the second last day before spring break, so I again had two weeks off...  they were doing construction on a small office near my locker, I found a really nice nail gun, semi-automatic... thing was crazy.

In those first two weeks off, I was out on my own at all hours... by this time in my life, I more or less had just stopped going home, instead of sneaking out.  I was able to go home when my parents were at work, but they could not keep up with me anymore and I found it better that they didn't know what I was up to... thinking they would worry less in that sense.  I doubt  I was right, but I didn't want them to really know what I was doing out there in the streets, or have that knowledge to burden themselves with...regardless they were going through hell, simply just not knowing where I was... 

As the regular season neared its end, I started missing practices, and almost games sometimes... The games were getting rougher and rougher, tournaments were like fight club or something... bench clearing brawls and everything....  we made the play offs too...

Outside of Hockey, April 1, 1995.... was a date that sent my life tail spinning... not sure what day it was, but we were partying like any other day, but because of all the trouble we had caused in recent times we were forced to stay outside... taking it into building lobbies and such... this night was like any other until a friend's parents came out screaming, drunk and ready to fight... for some reason.  I was first confronted by the Mother, threatened and what not, when she closed in on my personal space I could smell the liquor and told her to back up.... when she didn't I made the mistake pushing her away- Palm2forehead....

Then the boyfriend grabbed me by the back of my collar and hauled me away... yelling and threatening.... I told him to let me go a few times, not in quite the nicest of ways... But when he kept choking me I took a swing and dropped him ONE-Time....  When they called the cops, I ran.... for about 2 days then I went home for a nap...

My parents had no knowledge of the incident until I was arrested later that week, soon after I emerged from hiding...  I was released on a promise to appear, and I was again back at square one, with regards to changing my ways.  It seemed that the more I thought about making changes, the less actually happened to allow me to do so...

Around the same time, my hockey team was already in playoffs, my parents allowed me play with the hope that it would keep me out of trouble... We were in a series maybe mid way through... quarters or semis, not sure.... at the end of the game, one of their players having a clear size advantage on me, decided to cross check me in the throat... very accurately hitting my Adam's Apple... I fell choking, and struggling to get air.... I don't know how I got up, but I did.. chased him, jumped on him and started pounding as hard as could, his helmet came off and blood was spilled... as his teammate jumped on me, and one of mine then jumped that guy... the fight escalated to a negative point.

That was my last game in the Mississauga Hockey League, I was given a suspension after a hearing that carried over to any season that I played next.  I wasn't allowed to play in a game until Jan. 1st of the next season I played (Half the season), this prevented me from making every team I tried out for....

Before the end of the school year, I was suspended at least once more for skipping class(Genius idea), then afterward put on some kind of attendance monitoring where I learned how to forge signatures of all my teachers, nice... but sooo wrong....  After awhile, I even talked to my VP... in maybe my first conscious attempt to better my behavior I told him that I would finish the school year and attend my classes without monitoring.... but not telling him about the forging.

As summer 1995 began I believed myself to be altering my life's path.  Not sure where I got that idea, however, I did make attempts....  But I had to complete summer school for the first time which I slept through to a passing grade;  I also had stopped playing baseball after the previous season, that left me with a lot of free time.  I was offered a place as an assistant coach for a baseball team, in a much younger age group, I took it thinking I could do it and keep myself out of trouble and stay away from distractions...

Maybe I tried too hard all at once, with all my obligations I think I was a bit overwhelmed with the structure... because all the partying continued as well as the drug use... my all night long hours really conflicted with the daytime structured activities and obligations which soon came to an end, unfortunately, without even a second thought or a care in the world.... in all my attempts to change, my point of view of the world probably needed the most adjustment.

As the summer progressed, they were tearing apart the neighborhood catholic elementary... I saw the machinery and had an idea, the Bobcats used to move all manner of materials were being operated by workers that were drinking almost constantly while they worked... I took notice, and also noticed they left the keys in after they left for the day.... interesting?

After some convincing, I talked a friend into helping me, because there was 2 machines, into getting them started one night and seeing what we could do with them... Work gloves in hand and all, we tried to get them started... finally figuring it out, we started driving them around the immediate parking lot learning the operations & controls.... them moved on to our own construction projects... sort of...

I was initially going to drive through the main school, but decided to tear up a portable instead...  that was kind of fun... we went on to rip stuff out of the ground for a while before the police showed up on scene & gave chase... I saw them late, my friend was already gone when I saw him running, they were already on my ass...  I got out and ran... they gave chase on foot, tackled me real hard face first into gravel or sand or something.... cuffed me and dragged me by the chain back to the cruiser at the other side of the park and proceeded to beat me for longer than I can remember... KO'd a couple times, blacked out a couple more... not sure if they knew or just kept beating me the whole time... Cops are unbelievably good at not leaving bruises & inflicting maximum pain...

With my last charges still outstanding, I was released on bail with pretty much house arrest & non-association conditions, they told my friend that I gave him up.... bullshit! 

These conditions were so strict, I was in violation almost every minute of the day... even when I was trying to be good... police would be knocking down our door... I was trying to stay out of trouble so much that I didn't have time for much else, I had to hide just taking my dog for a walk...

Around Labor Day weekend, give or take, 2 girls from the neighborhood, started a beef over the phone one afternoon.... resulting in one of the largest neighborhood fight preparations I had seen, at that time at least... gathering for hours and waiting til late, It ended with a lot less violence than expected, but half the police department showed up after being tipped off by somebody.... keep in mind this was still back when people chose to use their fists as weapons, even when blades and stuff were still present and available...

During the first week of school, friends joked with me that I wasn't in jail...  I was surprised as well, joking back saying, "you never know, maybe next week..." little did I know.

I had been a rough year to that point, as much as I wanted to, and thought of ways to change, they just never got implemented very well.  There was always something getting in the way and blocking that path for me... My environment at that time in my life was one of destruction and violence, both self inflicted and upon others.  My hand was forced on a number of occasions where I was only given options that would have made the situation worse, I had to choose the lesser or a degree there of...

Crime and Violence was a way of life for me back then and the choices I made eventually lead to clearer decision making down the road, but it also made me cold... for a long time I did not acknowledge feelings inside me, that to this day, I think might have saved me earlier...

My first bid came from an event that took place on a Sunday morning/afternoon... while I was with friends including my recent co-accused, drinking where we normally played basketball... the court was filled with cars because of the neighboring church.  We decided to play anyway... around the cars, on the cars, over the cars... no damage was done, but some old guys playing Tennis heard glass break and tried to make a citizens arrest... so I took off after one them tried to restrain me with his tennis racket... surprisingly that was never mentioned, he let me go when I threatened to hit him... he happened to have a pace maker...

We were both arrested and spent a bit of time in open custody (a group home) because we were youths, but in separate places because of the bail conditions...  now with three sets of unresolved charges... and no idea what was going to happen... Can't recall what happened to him, I think he was released on time served after a couple weeks, I got time served plus another month and probation... just in time for my 16th birthday...

I was released in October 1995, only to realize that nothing was going to change...  My mother even asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to change, but we went back home, to the same house, in the same neighborhood... and I went back to the same school with the same group of friends... although that matter was resolved, I still had the assault charges from earlier in the year to deal with.  My dad begged relatives to take me in, all across the country with very little success...

Things just got worse when I wasn't able to make a team the next hockey season, way too much free time, but I think I played my second year of football that fall...  just another attempt to stay out of trouble, but football is a fairly short season...  November was catch up at school... I was doing courses from two different schools because the group home had its own teacher and school on the property, all the courses were correspondence, so I was able to take it home with me...

Where was I headed?  How do I change it?  It  takes a lot more than just an idea, or the want to...
--

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 10: Mini Biography Vol.2

A short side trip for a moment.... I thought I would make this Part 10.  This is a Short Biography relating to my Music industry experiences.  A huge Milestone in my life, in terms of accomplishing goals and making dreams a reality.  This Bio mainly covers, how an interest evolved into a real life business within the music industry....  Sky is the limit...   Just keep in mind, the next section may get a bit more graphic, as without any downfall, one may never rise above and overcome..... enjoy..

A Short Music Industry Biography:
Randy Freese, Managing Director
Freeze Flame Productions Inc.

Randy Freese was born in Edmonton, AB in 1979 to a young mother that wanted him to have a better life, so he was adopted by a couple from Toronto that had been living in the city for a time.  They ended up moving back to Toronto in the summer of 1986 due to economic conditions in Alberta at the time.

By the early 90's, Randy had found an interest in music, at that time was just an interest.  A couple years later he found out an old friend was actually in a band and had recorded an album, this sparked something inside Randy, possibilities and ideas mainly.  With this friend as well as others, Randy began helping build car audio sound systems and putting together an inventory of sound equipment in order to put on small parties in the neighborhood. 

In late 1995, a day or two after a large purchase of audio recording and sound equipment, Randy arrived home to find them missing and was later accused of a crime that sent him away at a crucial time  in his development.  He had to make some changes in his life and starting by planning a way to do so and by his release in 1997 he had a game plan to make these changes, but a severe lack of knowledge, understanding and funding to make things happen.

Randy's biggest idea was to use his experiences to tell a story however he could, but the main format he  modelled was Hip Hop Culture.  Turning a negative into a positive, doing something creative out of more or less nothing at all, except an idea and a concept.  In actual fact, Hip Hop sparked the necessary  changes within Randy Freese's mind set in order to accomplish what had now become an achievable goal.  Randy also tried his hand at freestyling and writing rhymes/poetry related to his own experiences, but found more inspiration in helping others find their voice and tell their own stories.    

By 1999, after suffering many set backs, and accomplishing many small milestones, Randy Freese graduated from High School at Western Technical Commercial School in Toronto.  After that, he was free to pursue everything that he had set his mind on.  One thing had been lingering on his mind for many years, his own adoption.  After receiving his diploma he set out to settle his mind and was determined to make contact with that mother who had given him up so many year before. It was in late 1999, when he found some information that would allow him to start writing letters to people whom he considered possible relatives.  It was a couple weeks before any responses, but one anonymous letter came in the mail with another list of possible relatives, so he again sat down and wrote each name on that list a letter and sent them all out.

In March 2000, one night the phone rang about a half dozen times, aunts and uncles called first to tell him that he had found what he was looking for, and later that night a call from his birth mother.  By the end of the conversation Randy had made plans to visit them all, in Western Canada – scattered from the southern prairies all the way up to Yukon Territory.

On July 4, 2000 Randy Freese left Toronto for the first time since arriving in 1986, bound for Western Canada on his Journey of Self-Discovery.  After finishing High school, Randy coincidentally had applied for a music training school called Trebass Institute, who happened to have a campus in Vancouver, BC.

Now out on the road, all by himself, Randy had time to make things happen for himself, and had to do it all alone, after meeting his birth family, in Alberta and Mother in Whitehorse, YT he set his sites on the City of Vancouver.  First, attending a meeting that was concluded with his acceptance into Trebass Institute, then to gain some more inspiration and possibly contacts within the industry, Randy began attending concerts and shows.  Unfortunately, Randy was unable to secure any funding to attend the schooling, but he was nevertheless determined.

After a couple years on the road, and living in Vancouver, Randy had began to accumulate an new inventory of equipment, and a number of low level contacts in the industry that included a couple local artists as well as some aspiring ones.  When 9/11 hit NYC in 2001, Randy was still in Vancouver, BC and although safe and sound, friends and family urged him to return home to Ontario, he did so with hesitation.  Upon returning, Randy found himself in a place where he had to completely start over again, in trying to do so, suffered a few more set backs along the way.

By 2002, Randy Freese begin the application process for Harris Institute for the Arts, which was much more a lengthy one than Trebass and a little more complicated for Randy himself having to obtain some references, his recent life had been in BC, so he was able to return to reconnect with some people briefly to do so.  And Again around Christmas, he headed up to Whitehorse, YT to share the news before starting his program in March 2003. 

From March 2003- March 2004, Randy was trained and skilled in the Music Business as a whole. An intense program of three semesters back to back, there was papers to write, and practical assignments to complete.  For the entire year, Randy Freese was completely immersed in the entertainment industry and the Toronto Music scene.  Some notable stand out achievements throughout this time for Randy Freese were of course, being able to pass all his classes on the first try; a Summer internship at Toronto's local aboriginal radio station, AVRN;  Being introduced to his first artist, in a management capacity, Jae Spillz, who he continues to work with to this day;  The formation of his Company, Red Brown Entertainment; a Marketing Plan, that sparked an interest in Marketing in a serious way,  for a Heavy Metal Publication called Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles; and the co-scripting & Final Editing of a Music Video for another independent artist.

After Graduating in March 2004, Red Brown Entertainment took on a small international presence, although Randy Freese regrettably stayed in Canada, he continued to assist his artist and their new producer while they were overseas, this was the first time Randy had done music management as a consultant/adviser.  During their year overseas, Randy Freese returned to Alberta with a hope of connecting with some indigenous talent from his home province, as well as do some more industry networking where ever possible. 

Upon the artists returning from overseas in 2005, Randy had also found a talented Metis singer and set up a collaborative recorded effort.  She was a country/gospel singer and he was a rapper/MC from very different cultural backgrounds and they did a song for the first mixtape that the company financed, which also gained some minor radio play on campus/community stations.  Although Randy had to return to Alberta to complete a contract at the time, he returned a few months later, where the artist, Randy and the Company was reunited.

In 2006, after a large purchase of equipment, meant to be the beginning of a constructed studio, Randy Freese decided to incorporate the Company; Red Brown Entertainment became Freeze Flame Productions Inc.  Thinking more about the long term, this was a slight set back in terms of the costs of incorporation.  Randy had to return to the networking in order to keep his name and the company's viable and in the industry's sights.  After completing a Writing course that summer, and getting a job at a night club, Randy began freelance writing to earn extra money and used the job to stay relevant, as well as meet artists, Djs, aspiring talent, etc.   

Again, in 2007, Randy Freese returned to school.  He attended a Business Administration program for which he graduated with Honours.  During that time, the newly incorporated Freeze Flame Productions Inc. Released its second in a series of CD Mixtapes, aptly named Crunch Time, and that's what it was definitely, time to rebuild, and build some more.  With a new business plan and model, Randy Freese's vision has come to life.

 By 2008, Freeze Flame Productions Inc. Had created a network of artists, 2 full functional recording studios with the capabilities to do most projects on our own.  Randy suffered a Workplace injury that left him unable to work, but also much more focused on the company and its business endeavours.

Since 2009, Randy Freese has created a publishing and a bookkeeping division to supplement both his own and the company's financial statements.  A newly refreshed business plan to use for grant applications, because funding is out there.  A small roster of artists, that either have music ready for release for are preparing for final product.  The next step in the plan is to gain funding to assist in the construction of a more professional workspace for the roster of talent, as well as future projects both in and outside the Freeze Flame team of artists, producers, etc.  The idea has come to life, and the next phase is beginning to take shape in the form of self sufficiency.

With a functional website and a fully integrated recording facility, Freeze Flame's Managing Director, Randy Freese, is well on his way to achieving what he set out to do from the start. 

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 9:  CHOICES Vol. 2, The Begging of the End

It was a cold dark winter in 1993, actually, I really don't remember it much.... Living in the Haze of intoxication that had somewhat worn off over the winter months through activity and sports.  I spent a big chunk of winter months indoors, or in arenas.  As the New Year rolled around, brought on new challenges, my first exams and not knowing what to expect.  A new year with new challenges and new choices to make, the choices I was faced with in my life at the time.... were choices regarding continuity of a lifestyle that I had been living already, as apposed to making a choice for change... I was torn in different directions within my reality, I was torn within my Life of Dreams.... It felt as if though I was actually living more than one life... 

There was light at the end of the tunnel known as winter, Spring was on the horizon, but the winter weather was still present... It was March 1994, and a fresh heavy snow hand hit and continued for a couple days... There was a group of us walking to school one morning, I fell behind for some reason by a couple blocks....  I was trying to catch up but the snow was making it hard to keep a steady pace.  My group of friends came across another group, all of us knew each other from house league Football.  To say the least, A snowball fight ensued and one of their guys ended up under a pile of snow and had mild frost bite by the time he got to school...

This incident, was the beginning of the end for me, I was in my second period Science class when the police walked in and escorted me out the door...  I spent the rest of the day in the office being questioned by the police as well as office staff and principals.  I was later suspended from school, the second last day before spring break... so I got 2 weeks off instead of just one, but I was also charged by the police for Assault.  This was my first offense, well.... sort of anyway...

This was my first trip to the courthouse, and I learned a lot about the process.  Only myself and one of the other guys were charged, so I had a co-accused... Not sure exactly why they only charged us, but it really didn't matter.  I was stuck to deal with it on my own anyway.  My mother worked for a lawyer, and was able to get him to help out.  At that time we didn't know about legal aid.

This was the beginning of the end, in more than one way... I chose then, that I knew from what I learned in the courthouse and court room, that I really couldn't trust too many people in life, and just how shady the justice system can be as well.  It didn't give me a lot of hope.  It wasn't where I wanted to be and I knew that it wasn't going to do me any good having a record either.... Little did I know, that once your name is in the system, the lengths that cops will go to to keep you in the system...

Although, I made the choice to cut down and eventually stop the criminal activity that I was involved in.... it proved much more difficult than perceived.  It was the beginning of police contact on a daily basis, subject to searches in the streets and constant harassment... I think the police wanted to catch us in the act of a crime, but I believe that they more so wanted to stir a reaction, so they could take any of us in on charges of their own making....

The court process was a long one, it took most of the year after all the delays and setting dates for trials, etc...  The Crown attorney(Prosecutor), eventually offered a deal to us both to which we had to agrees to plead guilty and were given a complete discharge.  I really didn't understand what that meant at the time, I just knew I didn't have to go to jail... what it meant for me was that the police were in my face, each and every day.  But I did my best to not give them any reason to charge me again, I had made my decision and had gradually been making progress on my choices.    

However, my choice to curb my criminal activity did not seem to curb anything else... My drug and alcohol use escalated, and my reality stayed in a constant haze...  Instead of committing the crimes, I began recruiting people to do them... not the best choice I ever made, but the petty crime stopped and changed into ways of making money.  Not much money, but I was making money that was helpful to me, it fed me and bought me clothes..   I basically still had a ways to go to achieve my true potential.

Karma wasn't something I really ever thought about back then, I thought by not getting caught, I was keeping myself out of trouble.  I was still brought home by the police many times, mainly for being out late at night in places where I shouldn't have been.  I was constantly in their sites and there was really no way out, except to stop.  I turned my focuses to my interest in music in any way I could... at the time that wasn't much, but it helped me make some better choices.  It convinced me that staying out of trouble meant much more than just not getting caught. 

I ended up spending my full two weeks off, working in a shop. A former employee of my dad's and a old family friend.  I was pretty much washing windows and doing odd jobs around the shop, they couldn't really give me any real work to do, and didn't have enough time to teach me.  They did a lot of work with Mississauga transit, so I got to visit their garages got my hands on a book of transfers....  I made use of them that night, I think I rode every route in the city, end to end...  It was also the first time I did acid by myself, so I had to stay occupied without getting into a lot of trouble.... So I took the bus... all of them, as far as I could tell.

At this time in my life, it seemed the more I tried to change my ways, the more my environment kept trying to prevent that from happening...Karma was definitely a bitch, in terms of facing my reality and making changes...  when I look back at my life nowadays, I believe that the karmic consequences were playing their hand early on.... 
 

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 8:  Life of Dreams Vol.1, What if this is Real?

Sometime in the early 90's, I allowed my reality to slip away undetected... I was living in a daily haze of intoxication that became the norm for me.  I never considered this a problem, but it made my thoughts run wild.... my imagination and my dreams would come up with all kinds of scenarios  that may or may not have happened, but the imagery was so vivid and profound that it might as well have been.

Dreams, in particular, had some very deep meaning to me.... I took many of them as signs of things to come, or that might be at some point... Many days went by that felt like Deja Vu because of things I had seen in my dreams. Have you ever had a shared dream, and wondered why or felt that everybody knew about it.

The Life of Dreams, at this time in my life, seemed as though it took on a life of its own... Hence the name.  I lived my life in many different ways, at home with my parents present, I always felt like I wasn't myself, they had certain expectations of me when I was younger, so I had to force myself to act a certain way among them...

Out in the street, it seemed that I was another person yet again.... amongst my friends, I was in a different "hat," so to speak.... more out spoken, willing to confront and debate, etc.. again, they probably had certain expectations of me as well, but was blinded by what I considered friendship at that time in my life...

When it came to the Life of Dreams, it was an entirely different world, the setting may have been similar and people too...  But, this world could be subject to alterations.  I was almost literally living three separate lives, within one... And then there is the dream within a dream, just to make life even more complex... Such as the cycle of our old neighborhood...

This cycle, to which I referred to previously....  We lived among townhouse complexes, in a tight little neighborhood, kids having kids, and drugs in the street & lots of partying.... this made each generation closer to the one before, as well as the next...  a complex, infinite cycle of a staggered generational gap.  For example, My parents were much older than many of my friend's parents, old enough in fact to be, my friend's parent's parents....  Most of my friends had their own kids at at young age...

My Dreams, incorporated all these neighborhood aspects in them, so it was almost as if, I would go to sleep at night and wake up in the dream world and continue.... and with the drugs in my system so often, that is what it felt like...

Have you ever felt like you haven't slept in weeks, or months.  You don't seem to age within the Life of Dreams, but you can live and die, and start over and over and over.... as goes the Dream within a Dream as well...

Imagine, living a life within a dream, and going to sleep within that dream, only to awaken in another dream to continue your life.... Age, doesn't matter and when you wake up in reality you have only aged by the one sleep.

Although my sleeping hours were very little at this time, the few hours that were spent each night in dreams... felt like days at a time.  In a constant state of insomnia, and the haze of intoxication in Reality, paired with the combination of lengthy detailed dreams, so vivid and realistic.... There was a few years span, that all these aspects very much blurred together and became my life.... almost as if time had slowed to a crawl and time ceased to exist for me.

I took advantage of this feeling, most especially in my street life... There was times that it didn't feel like I ever went home, mainly because of my dream state.  It was during this time, that I began to take notice to the many ideas that my mind was churning out on a daily basis.  It was also the time roughly, that I took a serious look at my interests in music, the possibilities that could bring in life....

I had also come to a realization that, in order for my ideas to come to fruition I would have to curb my criminal activities, or at least shift them into a money making criminal lifestyle, but attempting to go about doing that was much harder than I ever anticipated...

Having the ties to the street, and the people in my circle, or the circle of people I was involved with began to show me where I was going wrong with my ideas.... Because of my dreams, filled with warnings.... I felt that something was coming for me.  I had no idea what, maybe death, or health problems, or jail... I just didn't know.

My interest in music is where my head was at, my mentality was shifting into a more positive state of understanding.  I was listening to Hip Hop music, and began noticing the similarities in my life compared to some of the story lines of songs.... I was relating and began to wonder, "How did these people get there, from where I am now?"

What did they have to change?  In all my haze and negativity, I began to see the light.... How can a young Canadian kid, ever relate to some artist from the states who makes music about street life...
My drug use even changed, I became more and more internalized, seeking out deep thought and more uplifting conversation about where my head was at and how to get my ideas to become reality....  I was told to make a list of goals, keep it small, but reach for something big in stages...

I continued living my life as it was, I had little choice but to do so, but I began to really take notice of the world around me..... And change was soon to come.... in all aspects of my being, so said my Life of Dreams...

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 7:  THE WINTER OF INNOCENCE

As Winter Approached, in 1992, I more or less disappeared.... Into my own world, and my own activities.  I was involved in minor hockey, as a player and being a part of that team was what I tried to do to not think about the recent loss. 

It wasn't working, my crime spree had began many months before and was increasing in volume on a nightly basis... I was rather lucky as our neighborhood was surrounding by some fairly well off housing and the owners tended to go for vacation during the winter months.  Once I found that out, I was on full prowl mode....

I had made a conscious choice about my drug use at the time, and because I was still involved in sports.  No use in the winter months, but winter went fast.... Christmas seemed to flash by without a thought... after the funeral, I also decided that I wasn't going to cry anymore.... and by allowing myself to shut off my emotions, I think my conscience went out the window as well... 

I began taking more and more risk with regards to the chances I was taking in my criminal lifestyle.  I was not worried or scared to fight in the street, or be the one to cause problems.... Vandalism was easy and a good outlet for exhausting inner tensions, fighting gained me some respect, and winning made me feared... In a sense, my own, I was a leader.... to others, they may have seen me as some type of enforcer to go to when they needed back up or protection...

I learned to drive early, so instead of just breaking into cars, I started taking them.... and using them to commit other crimes....  At the height of it all, I was breaking the law every few hours.

By the time spring break rolled around, I had included people in my own activities and joined with others on theirs... when the hockey season came to a close... we had a local house to hang out in on almost a 24 hour basis, so my curfews and going home became an afterthought.  I would go home to shower, and eat each day, but usually when my family was out...  I would go home at night, and sneak out after everybody fell asleep....  It made the days very long, and the nights very active...

I did play summer sports, but they were much more spread out than the winter sports, and didn't take up as much time... By this time in my life, Summer 1993, everyday was a party, full of drinking and drugs, and the nights were full of crime.... a spree on my part, that was actually winding down after about 2 and a half years or so.... it had been so constant that it was even a part of my dreams... 

By this time, my mind was in a constant haze of intoxication, not that there is anything wrong with that...  It was how it was back then, where I was from we had about three generations that had grown up this way, and the neighborhood cops were starting to come into the mix and start to clean it up....  they started conducting evictions to some of the areas more well known suspects and residences.  Leaving many houses randomly empty for the taking...  we found many treasures in places like this...

It wasn't until years later that we actually noticed this cycle, the cops coming into the neighborhood became an every day thing, harassing and threatening... nightly foot chases were a regular occurrence that we became very skilled at... many of our old routes of escape, are now blocked off today... we knew how to get away from police on foot, they would give chase sometimes three or four times in one night... maybe to herd us home or something...

My sports career was winding down, little to my knowledge, but my skill was improving... as the end of the summer slowly emerged and High School started... I was still involved in quite a few of my activities, many of which even my friends didn't know about... I made the decision not to trust anybody with those details, or involved many of them to avoid both, any possibility of disloyalty and any in fighting over profits...

When my High School years started, I realized that I could get away with even more... my entire world had expanded, not just my neighborhood...  I was introduced to much more risky operations, and a whole new circle of people involved in their own similar activities, many of which made mine seem pretty small.  They had some serious resources at the right time...

I began another season, or winter sports and activities, so my drug use slowed to a stop over the winter months.... which may have been one of the last times I made that decision consciously...  I tried to focus on school for the first semester, not knowing what to expect... I had barely made it out of elementary.  Finishing school was a goal for me, but I found it hard to care about it at all after my elementary experience(s). 

Once more, Winter arrived... I disappeared into the night... Into a world that I new was coming down around me, it was only a matter of time before it started catching up to me...In my Life of Dreams, extremely vivid at this time in my life.... were speaking to me, in some way showing me subtle signs as to what was ahead for me.... 

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 6:  CHOICES Vol.1

It was a short time after returning from our family vacation in North Carolina, in 1992.  Still summer, but closing in on my final year of elementary, or first year of High School, as it would have been in some other places.

It was this summer that I found my niche, becoming quite skilled at my little B&E adventures... but I began finding treasures.  In my own country and city, these were things of value, things that I could sell and make some good money.  And that is what I began doing.

At first jewelery and other small knickknacks that were easy to get rid of for small amounts of money, at times I would find the occasional gun, whether a hand gun or rifle, pellet guns or live ammunition they tended to be fairly easy to unload in the street.

Not always the smartest idea I ever had, the best idea I had was to sell the ammunition separately from firearm itself.  That literally saved my own life a few times... when trying to sell a firearm in the street without having a back up can be a very risky sale.

Around the same time the school year started, I came into contact with a stockpile, or somebody's stash in my nightly adventures.  I found a substantial amount of drugs in somebody's home, it really blew my mind because at that point in my life I had already had contact with drugs, but never in this quantity...

I had no idea what I was getting into, the exact amount, or its worth.  I had a fairly good idea of what each and everything was, so I took everything that I could fit in my bag and was able to  return later that same night to take the rest.  Luckily, nobody was home...

I had knowledge of a few people that new more about this kind of thing than I did.  I sought them out in the hall ways of the neighborhood schools for advice and guidance in what to do with a small amount of certain types of drugs/narcotics...

They new who I was from the neighborhood or school, so they were able to give me some instruction without being too suspicious... One gave me a short and easy recipe on how to make cocaine into rock/crack, then asked me to bring a sample and we would go from there. Being busy with my schooling, and my side adventures, as well as organized sports outside of school, it was a few weeks before I actually made contact with these people again....

It was also around this time that I began to experiment with some types of drugs.  I made a couple rules for myself to live by, just because there was other things I wanted to accomplish in my life and I thought that if I used those harder drugs that were usually followed by some severe substance issues and/or addiction.

I had ideas in my head that, I could smoke weed, but not cigarette.... Don't drink coffee, or beer or try to as little as possible, I could drink liquor, but in moderation...  These rules for myself didn't always stick, but they were some guidelines...

I also chose not to put anything up my nose, because I liked to fight and my reasoning was that snorting drugs would weaken my nose...  Another rule was no needle drugs what so ever...

For the most part, I stuck to my own set of rules, while breaking pretty much every other one I could think of.  These rules that I chose to live by allowed me to enjoy what I was doing rather than crave it and turn into a fiend which was very important to me at the time....

After moving into a different neighborhood, I had made more friends through the people I knew from school.  I even made peace with some people that I had forgot about having problems with at even younger ages.  I had an older friend who happened to be in a band around this time, and that kind of sparked a set of ideas that would seem to last a lifetime to accomplish...

I didn't so much want to be famous, as I wanted to be a part of something.  In the years prior to entering High School I became more and more interested in the business of making Music, not knowing how, but imaging what could be done and how it could make money...

I also became interested in film making because in my grade 8 year, the only thing we did all year was script, shoot and produce a film... A class film, was supposed to be about the history of Canada... it was an interesting project to say the least...

But, by the end of 1992...  My grandmother had passed away, my crime spree was in full swing, I was still involved in organized sports, so I was able to keep my drug use to the off season or relatively close to it ...

My reality began blending with my dreams in life, as well as my Life of Dreams....and before my eyes, wide shut and some what blinded.... my perception of things in my life changed drastically... As I chose a path I was believed to be destined....

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 5: The Inception

This is a story that I really should tell, or else many of the related stories may not make a lot of sense.  After Recently watching the new movie "Inception," Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, among others. I realized that there is a major chunk of my life that may get overlooked in this series if I'm not careful.  That major Chunk being the life of dreams, almost like living another life at the same time at times it can take its toll on a person. 

You live your life every day, then you go to sleep at night and continue living in this alternative state of consciousness in a world of your own creation.  I think the more creative a person's mind the more elaborate their subconscious universe becomes. 

This movie takes this element of dream and puts into into such a vivid practice that it made me remember things that I have not thought about in many years, one  thing especially, the dream within a dream... 

That feeling you get when you wake from a dream and feel like you have just lived for another 10 years and it consumes you trying to remember all the details, imagine waking up inside your dream feeling that same way... or having a dream about waking up that same way...

The possibilities are endless and its as if time multiplies so exponentially that your age will no longer matter.... You feel as if you have lived for so long, yet in reality, you haven't aged but one night of sleep... 

Experiences such as this can really mess with one's reality, and when you enter into the realm of hallucinogenic drug use and/or sedatives your reality becomes distorted, but it also affects the life of Dreams.... At times if may feel like the dreams have taken on a life of their own, who or what is in control as this time?

I know I keep going back to it, but I believe 1992, was a pivotal year in my existence.  Somewhat of a coming of age, in a sense.  My family took our last vacation together that summer... We spent a few weeks in North Carolina.  Again, we drove down through Pennsylvania meeting people along the way.  It was eventually a caravan of about four vehicles, three of which were really comfortable Vans, that had seating for quite a few, swivel captain's chairs in the back, etc.... like a living room in a van. 

My dad had an 1989, Ford Taurus SHO, a hot rod/Muscle car built like a family sedan... it could outrun a Mustang easy because it was much more sturdy on the road, and it could keep up with most high end model sports cars.

We shared a beach house, right on the coast, with a group of about 16 people.  I was still pretty young, but this was the first time that I can think of where I was left unsupervised for long periods of time, none of the parents were forced to cook meals, it was kind of an everybody fend for themselves type of vacation... a real vacation, enjoyable and relaxing.  Again, I found myself hanging out with the older kids, especially at night time.  Wandering the beach from bonfire to bonfire, not really knowing who I was with but being welcomed anyway...

We did all the touristy things too, a lot of them anyway.  North Carolina has one of the biggest Dunes on the east coast, and we were Minutes away from Kitty Hawk, where the Wright Brother's first flew, or flew first?  The older guys, meaning not me, got to go out and do some deep sea fishing, catching all kinds of Dolphin fish(not Dolphin mammal), and some other types that I don't recall the names of.  Grilled saltwater fish, probably the only time I have had... it was really tasty... The trip lasted only a few weeks, but it might as well have been the entire summer,  I just didn't want it to end....

I really don't think it did, it just took a life in a new venue...  The idea that it planted within my subconscious stuck, and I created my own world....  and it grew beyond my control at times, but it was mine and was able to shape it, make my own choices, etc..

That sense, that idea, was a form of freedom that I felt that summer.... I didn't want to let it go...  

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 4: The First & The Next

Let's take it back, in time to the old school... sort of, it was the end of the 80's and entering the 90's.  We were ten years away from the end of a century, back then nobody really thought about it the way we do now.  It had now been close to 5 years since my family had moved to Ontario from Alberta, I remember back then how my parents were and what they allowed me to do, in comparison to today's children and their parents, many of which happen to be of my age group.  Back then we earned our freedom, by doing well in school, or chores at home, etc... this allowed us to get away from the parental supervision and explore life in the neighborhood(s).

From the time we moved to Ontario we lived in a rented home in Mississauga, but we were very close to our grandmother on my dad's side, who happened to live in South Etobicoke, Mimico... right off the Lakeshore in fact.  When our family moved from Alberta, both me and my brother were sent in a plane back to Toronto to live with our grandma until the new house was ready, we also spent a short time with our cousins in Markham.

It was in Mimico, and being the older brother, that I was first introduced to the feeling of being unsupervised, although close to home.... I learned very quickly that I would have to fend for myself at times like this.  I learned that if I ran from a fight, they followed, and when you stand up for yourself many people will back down, or at least give you the respect you earned.  There was times, shortly after I learned to ride a bike that I and other neighborhood kids would disappear into the back alleys of Edmonton's West End, not knowing how far from home we really were, or remembering how to get back... it felt like hours, it was a taste of freedom, but also safety in numbers even for a little kid.  Mimico was probably the first place that I was able to get that taste for myself, Mimico similarly has many back alleys which I learned to navigate early to find my way home, out of trouble, anywhere I wanted to go.... the neighborhood felt huge for a little kid running around in the streets.

For those first few years in Ontario, Mimico is where I spent many weekends and holidays, where I learned how to defend myself and learned my way around... I learned the streetcar of Lakeshore/Queen, is was a long trip from one end to the other, and the first time I got off at the wrong stop I found myself in the middle of Parkdale... don't remember my exact age, but I paid a token my grandma gave me, somehow I got back.

It was in 1990, that my dad finally bought a new car, our first VCR as well as our first road trip, all the way to Florida - St. Augustine, Daytona, and Orlando, including Disney World.  Probably the first memorable trip into the US for me, it took about a day and a half to get to Florida... I don't think I slept much in the car. 

When the First Gulf war broke out, I found myself glued to the TV watching war reports...  we had traveled to Pittsburgh, PA for a hockey tournament with my brother's team... I found myself hanging out with the older kids for one of the first times that I can remember.  A few guys had invited me to the Mall, so they could have some fun, and shoplift a bit.... back then it wasn't even considered a crime, you'd get a slap on the wrist and they might have called your parents.  I was actually pretty good at it, I even learned some tips of how to pick pockets which was much more challenging... the real deal was yet to come.

Late one night with some of the neighborhood kids we were playing street hockey, when some guy pulls up in a dark car and asks the guys if anyone wanted to "pull a quick job" that night, not really knowing what they meant, I ended up tagging along for my first burglary, I had a good time, strangely enough.  It was both the first time and probably one of the last times I did anything in a group, we took all kinds of sports equipment and what not that we could find, I found my first small gun, wasn't loaded, but I kept it and didn't tell anybody.  The rest of the stuff ended up with other people to my disappointment.  I guess you could call that the first time I got ripped off. 

When I got back to Mississauga, I wanted to do it again... this time on my own to see what I could find.  We lived in quite an open door neighborhood for the first couple years, but people started getting more private and started putting up fences and changing the area to prevent the kids from doing much... By this time, our Grandma had moved in with us, she was getting close to 80 and starting to forget things.

In early 92, my family moved again.... closer to the school we went to.  They bought the house, so they owned it.  It was near the end of Elementary school for me, and we now lived in an older neighborhood around other people that we already knew from school and sports. With this move, I became more independent than ever, my skills at breaking and entry got really good, and I had a brand new area to practice on.

We lived in a little area, not really well off, but nice... this area was surrounded on all sides by really big houses of pretty rich people, they became a target for a whole new generation of criminal....  I wasn't really taking anything seriously at that point, I kept playing sports, but we were growing up and attitudes changed.  My grade 8 teacher was said to be one of the coolest teachers in the school, but there was a few instances where he was a complete dick to me, and turned me right off further education. 

It was late 1992, in November when my grandma passed away... it was a tough Christmas for the family, and one of my last.  I think it was a Setback for the whole family, but it really set me off in another direction.  I think I just shut off and started a crime spree, outside of my organized sports, it was an everyday thing by that point.

About a year later, I was in my first year of High school.  New group of friends, new school, and a sense that I could get away with anything I put my mind to... Sort of another fresh start...  

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 3: Mini-Biography Vol.1

I thought I would make this my next entry in the series.  One of a few Mini-Bios that I have recently found to greatly help in this process.  It focuses on a significant aspect of my upbringing.  It doesn't reveal everything, but gives a decent explanation of how I, Red Brown, came to be...

A Short Biography of RED BROWN:
Self-Discovery & Embracing a Lost Identity

Conceived under the dancing skies of the Northwest Territory's Northern Lights, a young native girl gave birth to a baby boy she soon named Mason Dee Cretney, months later after returning to the City of Edmonton, Alberta Canada in September 1979. A ward of the province herself, this young native woman was convinced into putting the newborn up for adoption, as it may give him a chance for a better life within a family.

Days or Months later, depending whom tells the story, Mason was adopted by a couple transplanted from the Ontario capital of Toronto. The name Mason, was now changed whether by knowledge or not is unknown, to Randolph Ronald Freese and became part of a family.

Although, a loving family they lacked the knowledge that Randy was born a native and he was left uneducated of the culture and history of his people. It wasn't until years later they found that out. His parents had sat him down at an early age to reveal to him that he had been adopted and explained what that meant. Though young and possibly confused about this at the time, he kept it in the back of his mind and tried to make the best of what he had. Never a rich family, however, they made due with what they had, hard working people his parents were both self employed, and ran a business together.

When Randy was around 9 or 10, many older relatives starting passing away, but it wasn't until 1992, when a great support system of a grandmother passed away, that all the surrounding death began to affect Randy to some degree. Randy had an adventurous spirit and was an athlete at heart, active in both organized sports as well as other activities outside of those, he began to experiment with crime at an early age, mainly break and enters and with the many treasures he found, started making a little money here and there.

By the time he entered High School, he had become a seasoned criminal with only slight brushes with the law without consequence. This may have boosted his confidence to some degree as he became somewhat reckless or careless with his activities, which started to grow in progression, number as well as violence. Randy was always a fighter, but his outlet had mainly been sports to exhaust those tensions. Eventually, that element factored into his street life and his recent past began to catch up to him.

It wasn't until his inevitable incarceration in 1995, that his parents again looked into his adoption. They found out that he had a Native American bloodline, his birth mother had stated in some documents that she was of Cree ancestry. His parents, through visitor's glass over a telephone, were quick to blame his actions both on themselves for not knowing this earlier, but also on that fact. Considering possible stereotypes of the day. Throughout his period of incarceration, he did some reflection on his life at earlier ages only to realize many instances where he did feel like an outsider among his friends and family. Upon his release in 1997, he began to research all aspects that he could of both his family background as well as Native/Indigenous Cultures from Canada and around the world.

It wasn't until he asked for the documents from his parents that they suggested that he do a search to find his birth mother. He began that search first by requesting more information from the family services in Alberta that provided the original documents. He was surprised with what he had received, documents that contained his own birth name, as well as a family name.

In late 1998, after another shorter period of incarceration, Randy made a decision to do a further search.
After registering with the adoption services, in Alberta an Ontario, they told him that he would only be contacted if his birth mother also registered. That was obviously not good enough for a determined Randy. He took the family name provided and conducted an internet search of his own, discovering that the name had over 20 entries in both Ontario and BC, not his birth place, however, still valuable. He eventually decided to write letters, he chose the names from BC to see what would come of it. After minimal response, an anonymous letter arrived with a list of names in Alberta. He again wrote letters to those names, only to find out that about 7 of the 13 on the list were actual relatives. His first contact came in March 2000, when the phone rang repeatedly one night.

Randy had found a new Identity, he was a native, Cree and wanted to honour that in some way. He used his birth name's initials to create a modernized version a naming system he learned of, a way they once used to name the Inuit, with a Letter & Number. Randy Freese's birth name of Mason Dee Cretney became MDC187, he thought of it as his own death in a sense, the murder of another native identity. Later on, He also adopted the name RED BROWN, to represent both his own native/aboriginal heritage as well as Indigenous people as a whole. His own struggle may not have been nearly as bad, but after meeting his birth family and hearing their stories of the family's past. Randy(Red), found that he had made the right choice in embracing his Native ancestry.

After making contact in 2000, and met his Birth Mother later that summer as well as a bunch of other relatives in a partial family reunion. The Summer of 2000, became Red's journey of self-Discovery where he found out that there was much more to his family's history than just one native element.

He learned how some of Canada's aboriginal history factored into his own family, in both destructive and disappointing ways and already with a distrust of government and authority that had grown over the years through his own experiences. He learned that both his grandmother and Great-grandmother had happened to marry off reservation, at a time when this was very frowned upon. They both had their Native Indian Status stripped by the government at the time, only to be unaccepted into one community and ostracized by another. Both Red's mother and her mother had become provincial wards at an early age, taken out of their mother's care for the mere reasoning that the mothers were young and native. Two generations forced to grow up in foster care, and Red, the third generation separated from a family to grow up with a lack of knowledge of family history, and cultural education.

The name Cretney, in fact is not of Native origin, but is believed to be one of the oldest clan names of the Isle of Mann, a small country located amongst the British Isles, yet not officially part of the UK or subject to it's Monarchy. As the story was told to Red, four young men immigrated to Canada, all Cretney's, one of which happened to become Red's Grandfather, who's brother also passed away earlier this year at the tender age of 94. Red's Great-Grandfather was known to be Metis, with connection going back to the original Red River Metis Settlement, In modern day Winnipeg. The Metis ancestry has been learned to be a mix of Mohawk and Acadian French. The little bits and pieces, Red has been told about his own father state that he was living in Yellowknife, NWT where Red's Mother and he met and spent a short time together.

Red, although troubled by this news, found this new found knowledge to be a positive experience and enlightening in the sense that he was learning NOW. He had also cleared his mind of the thousands of questions that he had been asking himself over the course of his life and was able to gain focus on the next stage of his advancement and development. Over the course of his troubled adolescence, and periods of incarceration Red had come to the conclusion that is was music that had taken him from a careless street thug to a more educated and enlightened young man and wanted to share his experiences. A fire was lit to create an element of positivity & change for others with similar histories through music and entertainment. In 2003, RED BROWN ENTERTAINMENT was born and later incorporated into Freeze Flame Productions Inc. In 2006.

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 2: Introduction 2.0 - The Beginning?

OK, Let's get this new series started shall we?  I have been racking my brain on how to go about this.  It's not as complicated as it seems, but I do want to do this right... well, right enough for me anyway.

I have come to the conclusion that this series will take some serious thought and execution.  The last series, Decade of Development, was an idea that I came up with just to reflect on my most recent life, give or take ten years or so.... this one will take place, for the most part in the ten years or so preceding the last series...

The hardest part was to pinpoint a starting point.  Where the last series took place in quite a linear direction, this will be a series of overlapping stories that have taken place throughout a given period of time.  To get myself started on this new journey I have written a couple pieces outside the blog which I refer to as mini bios.  Basically, taking a portion of my life or an aspect and constructing a Biography based around related events.  I must say that I was surprised with what I came up with.

One may notice that I have named this series "Setbacks & Milestones," detailing the Rizes and Falls... wonder why?  If you really know me, then probably not.  I was asked a few years ago to put together a little motivational talk for a group of Young Offenders based on my own experiences and struggles related to both getting away from street life and getting into the Music industry. 

I claim much of my successes in life and survival on the fact that I truly believe that Hip Hop saved my life, if not music in general.  The actual speech I had prepared was of the same name, but detailed specific turning points in which I personally discovered either something wrong in my life or significant events that triggered changes that would lead me to my current path.

A path of discovery, development, chance, change, achievement, positivity & and so on...

--

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes And Falls

Part 1: Introduction(Preface)

I had a good run right around the new year and I am still trying to find my way on this blog thing. I love to write, I have so many ideas of where I can take this. Right now I am just trying to get the flow back, I did my Decade of Development series and my mind exploded... I have many times looked back at my life and thought "Hey, shit, I could write a book off this stuff."

Slowly it seems that is kind of what I am doing, I met a counselor at school the first time I went back to college, and she suggested that I put my life into a time line. I did just that, from as far back as I could remember to that same year, 2001.... I continued it for about a year or so, after the fact, but the idea was to kind of document the past.

I have a ton of ideas that I could use from that time line alone.... I have told the stories of positivity in my life over a span of the last ten years or so. Now I would like to tell some more stories of why my life even needed to have a Decade of Development.

My life to a certain extent has been a journey of self discovery, I have only lived for 3 official decades in terms of years on the calendar. I say that because at times it seems as though I have lived for much longer, in many different situations.

For example, I have... been an athlete, a criminal, a prisoner, the first son in a family, a son of a young mother, homeless, a success story, in treatment, a street thug some may call it something else, adopted, robbed, beaten, heartbroken, harassed, arrested, charged, sentenced, trapped, locked out, lost, accused, innocent & guilty, empowered, disenfranchised, alone & lonely, a business man, a man of business, gone looking for trouble & found it.... just to name a few.

Living a life like I have and being able to tell the tale in detail without really having to put much effort into it is something I consider a gift. Most people can tell you where they been, what they done, but how many people do you know can write it down or speak it verbally in a way that captivates an audience to a point where they ask for more, can't stop reading and actually thank you.... That last one has only happened to me once or twice, but the feeling you get when people actually encourage the way you speak or tell a story? It doesn't happen often enough, especially in school.

I have been a student, a graduate, a drop out, I never however, belonged to one of those cliche cliques that you see on TV.... I was one of the quietest people in all my schools, I went to about a dozen high schools in a couple different cities... not really because I moved a lot, it was because I got kicked out a lot too.

I am just jumping around trying to filter some ideas through my big head, I think too much sometimes about what I should do, what I should write... I have to put in work on so many things on a day to day basis. I have been unemployed, under-employed, self-employed, criminally employed, and the only one that I have ever been successful at is the last one.... Not saying that I would go back to that lifestyle, my self-employment is turning into a good little investment. I started a company in 2003, with an idea that had been established since 1995 or so...it became more than just a hobby when I started taking it seriously, so I decided to Incorporate in 2006. Eleven years after the fact, from the day that gave my the idea... I'm seriously considering telling that story soon, just not too sure how to start. Now 2010, living in the future and it ain't all it was suppose to be 15 years ago. Does that mean that we haven't evolved as humans, or as a society that wants to better ourselves?

If many of the people I am now know as friends today, met me or knew me fifteen years ago, as a 15-year-old, roughly... I doubt they would even look at me twice. If I was still that same kid from back in the day, I think I would be very surprised at my "Future" self for dealing with many people I have met in my more recent life. Back then, thinking back in my mind, I actually used to consider killing certain people.... sometimes seriously, sometimes planned it and everything.... what made me stop? what keeps me from going back to that state of mind?

Honestly, I am not sure sometimes. Maybe I have changed, evolved... I know I want better for myself and my loved ones.... The hell I put my family through, my parents especially, Back in the day... The only way I could ever repay them for putting up with me, is to win the lottery.

I like to think that I have changed, most times I feel like a very different person that that young kid. I know going to jail really made me grow up faster, while I was locked up, everybody I knew on the outside went off and did nothing with their lives, some of them anyway.... Others, the ones that really got out or got away, may be the real lucky ones... My incarceration may have been a blessing in disguise, or an ugly ass mask. I went away at a crucial time in most young people's lives the people that stayed connected to me, to a certain degree, suffered a fall from grace... to put it lightly.... many of them were late blooming criminals, some of them are dead, many of them became drug addicts.... some of them survived and moved past their turbulent adolescence and were able to begin again.

I have been forced to start over, I have purposely started over.... Sometimes for the better, some times only to fall down again to begin again..... I was invited to a school once, to talk to a bunch of young offenders about my own experiences and I came up with a little thing I like to refer sometimes as Setbacks & Milestones. I laid it out for myself, and as much as one may fall there is is always a way to rise again. As you choose to improve, those setbacks get smaller, and the milestones grow into achievements and then goals get set, and so on.

Once you can start achieving goals, dreams are made.... and y'all know what I love to say about that... "I dream in Major Motion Pictures, I think in Soundtracks, And I Live for the Score"

So believe, I am a man with a lot on my mind....