PART 15: Life of Dreams Vol.2, The REAL Nightmare Begins...
Thinking back to the night of the fire, I see it still so vividly in my mind. I am left to wonder how it got that far beyond my control... I watch the playback whenever it is mentioned, when ever I think about it, even as a passing thought.... so just imagine how it felt back then. It was like super slow motion or something... recording every little detail of the event, of the night, what people said to me, at me, or about me... the mental pictures are incredibly clear. It's almost like my own personal 9/11 only years and years before... not so many casualties, but the devastation it caused in so many different ways...
From the moment I heard about the fire, to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I may have still had an ounce of hope. Hope that maybe somebody would believe my side of the story... When I arrived at the hospital, I was delivered to the police as if to say they all knew me better than I knew myself...
From the moment I arrived at the Hospital ER, and my brother gave me that look at said what he said, I knew what was coming... and I didn't know what to do. Both of my friends were there and switched on me before I could even say a word. My parents would not talk to me, only through an officer even sitting in the same room... Everybody was suddenly against me, why was I so surprised at that time in my life?
I had to eat a lot of shit that night, the things people said to me, the cops... The things the cops said to me, I learned very quick to shut my mouth and not say anything... I was in a serious situation and there was no way out.. I thought of leaving the hospital and had the chance to do so, but I stopped and hesitated and began to internalize everything I had, my emotions, etc. it was the only thing I could think of to keep myself strong in the moment.
After the Intervention style interrogation at the hospital, my parents left and told me the police just wanted to "talk," and that was the last time I saw them for awhile... the officers took me to the cruiser and stuffed me in the back and laughed at me all the way to the station... they tricked me, and I fell for it. They took me into custody, at the station is where I spent the next several hours alone in either a room for questioning or a cold cell waiting for the next round of questioning... I don't know for sure how long I was there, they kept me awake for so long, no food or water... it wasn't my first time at the station, but this time they really were trying to break me. Up until that point, they had usually left me with all my clothes while in holding, they took my shoe laces and belt and wouldn't allow me to have a blanket...
While in Questioning, they threatened me every few minutes when I told them I didn't do it, threatened with beatings and hard time... What they really wanted was a confession, on video they even told me. When I finally agreed, the gave me a drink and I sat in front of the camera until I finished my drink, then told them again... that I did not do it!
Because it was a Friday, I waited in the holding cell at the station until morning or so... not sure what time it was, when they came to get me the took me to the detention center... for the weekend. Metro Toronto West Detention, was the holding facility for young offenders at the time. They welcomed me to my new home, sarcastically, and that was the last time I saw the outside of the building...
I had only been out at that point for a little over a month, and now had graduated to the next level of the jail system. I was not impressed with my situation at all. There really was no escape at this point. I was a very busy weekend at the jail, that same night I was arrested so were another 500 or so young offenders, the place was way over crowded. It wasn't just a youth jail, it was a women's jail and a adult men's jail as well. The youth area was just a converted section. The youth section had a capacity for something around 200, but for that first weekend the population had doubled...
When Monday rolled around it was time to go to court, bail hearings mostly... A first of many for me, all delayed and never set. Needless to say I did not make bail. My family did show up with a lawyer, who charged a retainer and hourly for being there, only to quit a week later. My next bail hearing was put off for over a month to determine my mental capacity and fitness to stand trial... So hear came the doctors and the assessments, etc..
It becomes very difficult to follow the path of changing one's ways when someone gets incarcerated along the way... it really makes you think about things and what you may have done differently... Although I had been involved with a lot of crime, I never had any intention of landing in jail... kind of a dumb way to think about it too... it was probably inevitable, turns out that I was actually a pretty late arrival. most of the guys I was in there with at the time had already been in and out of jail for years... This was just winter for many of them...
Thinking back to the night of the fire, I see it still so vividly in my mind. I am left to wonder how it got that far beyond my control... I watch the playback whenever it is mentioned, when ever I think about it, even as a passing thought.... so just imagine how it felt back then. It was like super slow motion or something... recording every little detail of the event, of the night, what people said to me, at me, or about me... the mental pictures are incredibly clear. It's almost like my own personal 9/11 only years and years before... not so many casualties, but the devastation it caused in so many different ways...
From the moment I heard about the fire, to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I may have still had an ounce of hope. Hope that maybe somebody would believe my side of the story... When I arrived at the hospital, I was delivered to the police as if to say they all knew me better than I knew myself...
From the moment I arrived at the Hospital ER, and my brother gave me that look at said what he said, I knew what was coming... and I didn't know what to do. Both of my friends were there and switched on me before I could even say a word. My parents would not talk to me, only through an officer even sitting in the same room... Everybody was suddenly against me, why was I so surprised at that time in my life?
I had to eat a lot of shit that night, the things people said to me, the cops... The things the cops said to me, I learned very quick to shut my mouth and not say anything... I was in a serious situation and there was no way out.. I thought of leaving the hospital and had the chance to do so, but I stopped and hesitated and began to internalize everything I had, my emotions, etc. it was the only thing I could think of to keep myself strong in the moment.
After the Intervention style interrogation at the hospital, my parents left and told me the police just wanted to "talk," and that was the last time I saw them for awhile... the officers took me to the cruiser and stuffed me in the back and laughed at me all the way to the station... they tricked me, and I fell for it. They took me into custody, at the station is where I spent the next several hours alone in either a room for questioning or a cold cell waiting for the next round of questioning... I don't know for sure how long I was there, they kept me awake for so long, no food or water... it wasn't my first time at the station, but this time they really were trying to break me. Up until that point, they had usually left me with all my clothes while in holding, they took my shoe laces and belt and wouldn't allow me to have a blanket...
While in Questioning, they threatened me every few minutes when I told them I didn't do it, threatened with beatings and hard time... What they really wanted was a confession, on video they even told me. When I finally agreed, the gave me a drink and I sat in front of the camera until I finished my drink, then told them again... that I did not do it!
Because it was a Friday, I waited in the holding cell at the station until morning or so... not sure what time it was, when they came to get me the took me to the detention center... for the weekend. Metro Toronto West Detention, was the holding facility for young offenders at the time. They welcomed me to my new home, sarcastically, and that was the last time I saw the outside of the building...
I had only been out at that point for a little over a month, and now had graduated to the next level of the jail system. I was not impressed with my situation at all. There really was no escape at this point. I was a very busy weekend at the jail, that same night I was arrested so were another 500 or so young offenders, the place was way over crowded. It wasn't just a youth jail, it was a women's jail and a adult men's jail as well. The youth area was just a converted section. The youth section had a capacity for something around 200, but for that first weekend the population had doubled...
When Monday rolled around it was time to go to court, bail hearings mostly... A first of many for me, all delayed and never set. Needless to say I did not make bail. My family did show up with a lawyer, who charged a retainer and hourly for being there, only to quit a week later. My next bail hearing was put off for over a month to determine my mental capacity and fitness to stand trial... So hear came the doctors and the assessments, etc..
It becomes very difficult to follow the path of changing one's ways when someone gets incarcerated along the way... it really makes you think about things and what you may have done differently... Although I had been involved with a lot of crime, I never had any intention of landing in jail... kind of a dumb way to think about it too... it was probably inevitable, turns out that I was actually a pretty late arrival. most of the guys I was in there with at the time had already been in and out of jail for years... This was just winter for many of them...
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