Part 13: The Irony of Innocence vs. Karma
Upon my release, on October 17, 1995, from my first experience with incarceration I was ask by my mother, where I wanted to go. I told her home, but I was left to wonder what she meant by that at the time. Thinking back, I have always believed that it was meant to be more than just a question of driving direction. It was only too late when I finally realized that it might have made a difference if I had said something else.
We drove back to our neighborhood, and the following day I went back to my same school. When I arrived in each class, people looked at me like I had been a missing person or something, asking where I had been, and why... When I told them. I had now been sober for well over a month, and the feeling was new... I was burnt out, and tired. I felt like the whole thing was a blur, the time in custody had dragged on for some time, but only a month had passed on the outside. It was almost as if things weren't real anymore, I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew I was walking in reality.
I also finally realized that all my thoughts and efforts to change really had not been enough, maybe I really did need to change everything... the people, the place, myself and my actions, etc. I went on with my life, now on Probation, as much as possible. I tried to go to school and catch up, and complete my correspondence course. All these things presented a challenge to me. I was going out of my mind, wondering what I should do... in most cases, I just wanted to run away, get on a bus or something and just never come back.
It was probably about a week before I got high again, as soon as I did... I was calm, but still filled with questions and hopeful images of my own potential. I remember sitting with a friend on her doorstep talking about everything, she was very surprised at how open I was with her about what I wanted to be doing and where I was stuck. We sat and talked late into the night, then she said goodnight and went in. We never again mentioned that talk, but I never forgot it because I think it changed us both, just a little for the better. I realized that I could communicate my intentions, and she realized there was much more to me than what she had originally thought.
With winter fast approaching, not a sole was outside when she left that night, I wasn't ready to go home... I wondered the neighborhood for quite some time that night, just thinking by myself... I did want something different, and had no idea how to get there. As the days and weeks went by, my mind was racing... my life was more complicated, my probation officer was an asshole and threatened me with breach each and every time I went to visit him. My family, outside my parents wanted nothing to do with me, only based on what they had heard of me, I found that I was wasting my time in school that year, I was just way too far behind and had no idea what was going on.
I was also struggling with my world of dreams, I had been living out a reoccurring dream night after night that was haunting me, and I couldn't control it for the life of me. Our family's home life was deteriorating with the stress of trying to keep me out of trouble. My own brother and me, living in the same house at the time were no longer speaking. Not entirely sure if that was by choice by either of us, or just the family detachment.
It finally got to a point, where they must have gave up on me, and I stopped going home, I was rarely going to school and if I was I was just hanging out in the halls all day.... my plans to change were completely back firing and landing me in even more problems than I had planned for...
On December 8, 1995 I had been gone for a few days, and was on my way home when a friend stopped me in the street and told me I had been reported missing... So I continued on my way home. My father was waiting for me and we had a pretty bad argument followed by a trip to my probation Officer, where they both threatened me with breach and a few months in jail, etc.. afterward nothing had changed and my dad dropped me off at home and left for work....
Earlier that week, I had made a deal to buy some Audio Equipment and because I didn't go home I had stashed it in my parent's back yard for a few days.... only to come home and find it was gone, along with the money I had used to pay for it... I decided not to go into the house, and left the back yard and walked over to a friend's house. They were getting ready to host a house party as Dj for the night, and invited me to join them in getting ready...
As we finished packing things up for transport, we were taking a break in his kitchen. They were asking me where I had been and I was explaining as we all heard the roar of sirens and horns racing up the street, the phone rang... another friend had called to tell him, that my house was on Fire... My friend hung up and looked at me and told me what was going on... We were all in shock... I had no idea as to what to do, so we continued with our plans. We all walked to the other guys house, right past my own street... I couldn't bare to go up, and I realized that everything in my dream was actually taking place.... My jaw dropped at my own realization, and I was unable to speak until much later... I didn't know what to do or where to go... and everybody had already thought or assumed that I had set fire to my own home...
I couldn't get a hold of my parents, I called another friend's house and his father told me to get to the hospital, my brother was there... I needed to then get a ride, and found one with my friend's mother, they both accompanied me. I went into the ER to find my brother, as he pretty much told me to fuck off, assuming that I had did it too...
My was heart broken, I had spent the last many months staying away from crime absolutely, committing it and being a part of it. Still everybody pointed at me, My brother, my parents, our neighbors, my friends, and of course the police. For the police, they even told me later that night, the solution was easy... they suggested that I just admit to it, take the blame and save them time wasted with an investigation... They told me details, that I have wondered about til this day, how they knew or where they got that info if they had not yet investigated... They told me about our family pets, and why my brother was in the hospital, details of the scene, and how it was done... and that they had proof it was me...
I didn't say a word, I didn't know what to say... All I could mutter was that it wasn't me, and why would I do this to my own home? This was before I was actually arrested, it looked like an intervention in a small meeting room at the hospital. My parents, My friend and her mom, and a couple cops.... nobody cared whether I did it or not, they just blamed me anyway... no matter what I said...
To this day, I think about that one... it was the day that I was judged, not by a court or by a god... But by each and every person I had known at the time. I thought It may have been one of the worst days of my life, but the worst was yet to come.... My family chose to abandon me, My so-called friends did too, in other ways. They chose not to believe me but to believe rumors and stories of people that may or may not have been there.
It was a long time before I could think clearly. I knew I was innocent, I knew for a fact that I hadn't been there for hours... But I also later realized that I had committed so many other crimes that I had never been caught for or punished. In this situation, Karma, I feel played a huge part. The police had me right where they wanted for the first time ever, really.... in a real tight spot. I had never really denied any of my criminal activity, but I never really ever promoted it either... Karma was a muthafucker, and as much as I wanted to change my life, this was the last thing that had crossed my mind...
I didn't know where I was, I felt like I was living in a dream.... and couldn't wake up. I never did get to see the house after the fire, I have no idea what it really looked like... All I have is a collection of images from a re-occurring dreams months before.... everything was a Haze, and I was literally left with the clothes on my back, and nothing else...
The Change I had been yearning for had come as Violently and as Destructive as anything I could have imagined, now.... that change being so drastic would require a climb out of hell like no other...
The Change had come, now redemption, evolution, realization, growth, focus and drive, etc... were things I needed to find...
Upon my release, on October 17, 1995, from my first experience with incarceration I was ask by my mother, where I wanted to go. I told her home, but I was left to wonder what she meant by that at the time. Thinking back, I have always believed that it was meant to be more than just a question of driving direction. It was only too late when I finally realized that it might have made a difference if I had said something else.
We drove back to our neighborhood, and the following day I went back to my same school. When I arrived in each class, people looked at me like I had been a missing person or something, asking where I had been, and why... When I told them. I had now been sober for well over a month, and the feeling was new... I was burnt out, and tired. I felt like the whole thing was a blur, the time in custody had dragged on for some time, but only a month had passed on the outside. It was almost as if things weren't real anymore, I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew I was walking in reality.
I also finally realized that all my thoughts and efforts to change really had not been enough, maybe I really did need to change everything... the people, the place, myself and my actions, etc. I went on with my life, now on Probation, as much as possible. I tried to go to school and catch up, and complete my correspondence course. All these things presented a challenge to me. I was going out of my mind, wondering what I should do... in most cases, I just wanted to run away, get on a bus or something and just never come back.
It was probably about a week before I got high again, as soon as I did... I was calm, but still filled with questions and hopeful images of my own potential. I remember sitting with a friend on her doorstep talking about everything, she was very surprised at how open I was with her about what I wanted to be doing and where I was stuck. We sat and talked late into the night, then she said goodnight and went in. We never again mentioned that talk, but I never forgot it because I think it changed us both, just a little for the better. I realized that I could communicate my intentions, and she realized there was much more to me than what she had originally thought.
With winter fast approaching, not a sole was outside when she left that night, I wasn't ready to go home... I wondered the neighborhood for quite some time that night, just thinking by myself... I did want something different, and had no idea how to get there. As the days and weeks went by, my mind was racing... my life was more complicated, my probation officer was an asshole and threatened me with breach each and every time I went to visit him. My family, outside my parents wanted nothing to do with me, only based on what they had heard of me, I found that I was wasting my time in school that year, I was just way too far behind and had no idea what was going on.
I was also struggling with my world of dreams, I had been living out a reoccurring dream night after night that was haunting me, and I couldn't control it for the life of me. Our family's home life was deteriorating with the stress of trying to keep me out of trouble. My own brother and me, living in the same house at the time were no longer speaking. Not entirely sure if that was by choice by either of us, or just the family detachment.
It finally got to a point, where they must have gave up on me, and I stopped going home, I was rarely going to school and if I was I was just hanging out in the halls all day.... my plans to change were completely back firing and landing me in even more problems than I had planned for...
On December 8, 1995 I had been gone for a few days, and was on my way home when a friend stopped me in the street and told me I had been reported missing... So I continued on my way home. My father was waiting for me and we had a pretty bad argument followed by a trip to my probation Officer, where they both threatened me with breach and a few months in jail, etc.. afterward nothing had changed and my dad dropped me off at home and left for work....
Earlier that week, I had made a deal to buy some Audio Equipment and because I didn't go home I had stashed it in my parent's back yard for a few days.... only to come home and find it was gone, along with the money I had used to pay for it... I decided not to go into the house, and left the back yard and walked over to a friend's house. They were getting ready to host a house party as Dj for the night, and invited me to join them in getting ready...
As we finished packing things up for transport, we were taking a break in his kitchen. They were asking me where I had been and I was explaining as we all heard the roar of sirens and horns racing up the street, the phone rang... another friend had called to tell him, that my house was on Fire... My friend hung up and looked at me and told me what was going on... We were all in shock... I had no idea as to what to do, so we continued with our plans. We all walked to the other guys house, right past my own street... I couldn't bare to go up, and I realized that everything in my dream was actually taking place.... My jaw dropped at my own realization, and I was unable to speak until much later... I didn't know what to do or where to go... and everybody had already thought or assumed that I had set fire to my own home...
I couldn't get a hold of my parents, I called another friend's house and his father told me to get to the hospital, my brother was there... I needed to then get a ride, and found one with my friend's mother, they both accompanied me. I went into the ER to find my brother, as he pretty much told me to fuck off, assuming that I had did it too...
My was heart broken, I had spent the last many months staying away from crime absolutely, committing it and being a part of it. Still everybody pointed at me, My brother, my parents, our neighbors, my friends, and of course the police. For the police, they even told me later that night, the solution was easy... they suggested that I just admit to it, take the blame and save them time wasted with an investigation... They told me details, that I have wondered about til this day, how they knew or where they got that info if they had not yet investigated... They told me about our family pets, and why my brother was in the hospital, details of the scene, and how it was done... and that they had proof it was me...
I didn't say a word, I didn't know what to say... All I could mutter was that it wasn't me, and why would I do this to my own home? This was before I was actually arrested, it looked like an intervention in a small meeting room at the hospital. My parents, My friend and her mom, and a couple cops.... nobody cared whether I did it or not, they just blamed me anyway... no matter what I said...
To this day, I think about that one... it was the day that I was judged, not by a court or by a god... But by each and every person I had known at the time. I thought It may have been one of the worst days of my life, but the worst was yet to come.... My family chose to abandon me, My so-called friends did too, in other ways. They chose not to believe me but to believe rumors and stories of people that may or may not have been there.
It was a long time before I could think clearly. I knew I was innocent, I knew for a fact that I hadn't been there for hours... But I also later realized that I had committed so many other crimes that I had never been caught for or punished. In this situation, Karma, I feel played a huge part. The police had me right where they wanted for the first time ever, really.... in a real tight spot. I had never really denied any of my criminal activity, but I never really ever promoted it either... Karma was a muthafucker, and as much as I wanted to change my life, this was the last thing that had crossed my mind...
I didn't know where I was, I felt like I was living in a dream.... and couldn't wake up. I never did get to see the house after the fire, I have no idea what it really looked like... All I have is a collection of images from a re-occurring dreams months before.... everything was a Haze, and I was literally left with the clothes on my back, and nothing else...
The Change I had been yearning for had come as Violently and as Destructive as anything I could have imagined, now.... that change being so drastic would require a climb out of hell like no other...
The Change had come, now redemption, evolution, realization, growth, focus and drive, etc... were things I needed to find...
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