Freeze Flame Productions Inc

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls


PART 32:  The First Day of the Rest of My Life


On November 29, 1999 My probation was finally over.  For the first time since I was around 14-years-old, I felt free and clear from many things... I had also completed high school, finally. 

The week, I finished my probation I made a conscious decision to move on with my life, I had technically already graduated and really received my diploma, but I was still in school... my eighth year of high school... So I discussed my situation with a few people around school and made the choice to kind of drop out, but only because I was leaving, not because I was quitting... 

However, I did have a plan... it didn't seem like much at the time, but it set the stage for the rest of my journey... I had to give up my flood apartment, not something that I really wanted to do I enjoyed living on my own, but I needed to do some strategizing and save up some more money... so I ended up outside the city at my parent's new house... 

They had suggested that I either get a job or go back to school, I tried both without much luck... I first tried to re-enter school, but was quickly denied due to my history and shuffled off to an adult learning center... 

I was actively doing job search as well, but it was a small town and had much prejudice against young people in general, especially when it came to employment... the kids in that town had a bad habit of getting hired and quitting quickly... or just not showing up at all... So unless you had a car, you did not get hired... 

My car was borrowed, on occasion I couldn't use it.... So after a couple weeks I decided to try out this adult school.  It was slow in progress, very basic in the knowledge gained, etc... I wasn't too impressed.  I ended up just going there to get into town and out of the house for the day... Then one day, I remembered something... The LIST!

My plan was originally too get a job, save some money and get a better apartment, or go to college for something related to Music... But, always lingering was my past, my adoption, etc.  I felt as if though, if I didn't find out more I would get stuck wondering for the rest of my life.  When I remembered the list, I had a new thought.... 

The list was packed away, for future use, not really thinking about how to use it.  The first time around, I was thinking about phone numbers, calling people that had no idea who I was and telling them they might be my mother?  I thought that was a little difficult... 

When I took that list out the next time, I looked it over again, and tried to think of something new, ignoring the telephone numbers I looked at the names and realized the addresses... I could have smacked myself for not thinking of it sooner... 

Trying to write a letter, a generic letter... something that may have gone to my mother or not... I was stuck on another idea.  One day I went to the school and was trying to concentrate on the work and got really tired of trying to focus... I wanted to take a nap, so I went to the upstairs area and looked for a place to rest my head...

Sitting in a little cubicle and put my head down for while... when I awoke, I had an urge to write and something to write about... a way to approach the letter project... I wrote to each person on the list individually, it felt better to target the letters... it made more sense.  After I had written a few I found my stride, and that was now the reason I went to the school... I wasn't doing school work, but I was productive.

I think, I dropped those letters in the mail five or ten at a time, in the end there was 26 letters, all to people with British Columbia addresses.  Not much response, but some.  The first was a phone call from an older man, who turned out later to be the brother of my grandfather, and another anonymous envelope with another list.  This list was of 13 people with addresses of people in Alberta, something I did not find previously.  

Again, with a brand new list, I went down to the adult school and sat in my cubicle and started to write again.  This time, 13 more letters needed to be completed and it only took me a couple days.  It was a big release to me, being able to get those letters out... after they were in the mail, I was able to focus on other things again.

By now, Christmas had come and gone.  I was getting lazy, I wanted to find a job, or do something.   I had an urge to travel, but without the money, it was almost impossible.  I wasn't going out much either, I was still spending money on Cd's, but instead of going to the record store, I was ordering them from a mail order club... I was able to accumulate a lot of music over a short time, so much that I had to stop, they weren't getting anything new and I had bought just about everything in their catalogue...

When I finally found a job, it was a job in a motel kitchen washing dishes, with a promise to move up into a cooking position... Unfortunately, for me the dishwasher that I was supposed to work with quit after my second day. and left me all alone to do all the dishes, all the time... that cooking position was gone... I was pretty pissed about that.

Instead of coming in for the afternoon, I came in a couple hours after they opened so I could catch up and possibly show the cooks that I had time to get into the kitchen.  It seemed that when I showed up early they would just make more mess and faster, so much that I didn't even get to take a break most days.. one of those jobs you just want to say FUCK IT, and leave when they're at their busiest... 

As much as I hated it, I put up with it to pay my bills, and save a bit of money, I cleared my small debts, and put enough away... to go somewhere. 

It was now February 2000, and I had not got my license back... it was reinstated from the end of my probation, but I had to pay a fee and when I did that, they told me I had to take a course about drunk driving.  That was to cost me about $500, I was again, fairly pissed off about that... My conviction wasn't even drinking and driving.   I was convicted of Dangerous Driving, and when I called and told them that, I was told I didn't have to do the course. I just had to re-do my licensing tests... 

In early March, I went and wrote the test and passed with little trouble, the next step was to schedule a time for my driving test, in order to get my license back.  I was able to get a time, but it wasn't until June 22, 2000... it was along wait.

It was around this same time, that I had to go to the dentist... I found out that my wisdom teeth needed to be removed.  This procedure was scheduled for May or the end of April... I was surrounded by wait times..  And because I was at the time, on medication they said I would have to get it done in the hospital, it was also covered by OHIP so we got kind of lucky that way... usually, its a procedure that has to be paid for.

Still, in March, but later in the month... Late one night, I was watching a movie with my dad "Scarface," when the phone started to ring, it was for me... 

The voice on the other side of the line, introduced herself as my Aunt Rose, and explain who she was, and that she had got my letter.  We talked for a few minutes about how I went about the whole process... and she told me that when she read the letter she knew exactly who I was... before we said our goodbyes, she mentioned that an uncle would call soon as well as my mother.  

In that order, shortly one after another, My uncle called, we talked for a bit and he told me who he was and where he was from, I was able to recognize from the addresses I had available to me... he told me he and his wife had just had a child, and had two others already.... We all looked forward to meeting each other... It was definitely a lot to take in, but I was ready... 

It was between my Mother calling, and after my uncle got off the line with me another woman called, she had the same last name, but was not related to any of us...  However, I still talked to her for a short time, to tell her my story as she was interested in knowing... we parted ways telling each other that maybe we would meet at some point anyway... and she wished me lots of luck... 

It was only a few moments after that call, that the phone rang again, this time the voice on the line seemed nervous, and introduced herself.... It was my Birth mother, we talked for a while stumbling over our words to find out more about each other.  We both asked each other if we could meet at some point, I agreed... 

Because it was still March, and I had a surgical appointment and a driving test to take care of.  I told her those things would be taken care of, and then I would come out west and meet everybody... We made arrangements for the summer, and I told her I would look into my travel plans as soon as I got off the phone... but the earliest I would leave would be July 2000.

After that night, all I could think about was my trip, how to go what to bring, etc.. How to get out of the job I had... I had saved money in a variety of ways for this time, and wasn't sure when it was going to happen.... 

On my breaks, at work, I would wander the property looking for places to hide and sleep, I really didn't want to be there anymore... I had washed enough dishes at that time, it wasn't my first dish job, but I hated it just as much... same promises and no progress...

It was the day before my surgery, and I told my boss I wouldn't be back for a couple weeks, so I could recover... My boss told me to be back the day after my surgery... I just never went back, I wanted to recover without difficulty or infection, etc.. 

I was sick of the job anyway, I had plans to start, I needed to get better quickly... All I remember from the surgery was the moment of the prick and the anesthetic needle, and seeing my heart rate drop like a big loop on the monitoring screen... And waking up violently... to the point where my dad had to hold me down... I really don't know why that happened, it was weird... I must have been having some crazy drug dreams... As soon as I came out of it I sat up... 

Only one thing left to do, was get my license back... such a long wait, but I was able to recover.. For almost a month, I slept with my face on ice packs, and didn't eat much outside of painkillers... when The swelling finally went away, I had lost a lot of wait.. I had told my doctor and my parents that I would stay on my meds while I was away, but I knew it wouldn't happen... 

I had lost a bunch of wait and started feeling much better about myself as a result, so I stopped taking them even before I left, and I noticed that weight came off  just that fast... 

The day I took my driving test, I insisted that I was there to take my G2 test, but they told me that it wasn't... I was there to take my driving test for my full license, G.  I decided not to argue about it and took the test and past it with flying colours,. much to the surprise of my instructor.... After passing the test, and returning the test center, they realized they had made a mistake, I had done the wrong test.. but I passed the test and they had to issue the license accordingly...

I still had a couple weeks, until my planned departure date.  I had purchased my bus ticket, actually a pass, good for 60 days.  I had a couple weeks to wait, and prepare.  I wanted to bring my music, and something to read on the bus my magazines... The bus was much cheaper, but with this pass I was able to go anywhere in Canada for the next two months... I was able to bring certain things, one may not be able to on a plane.  I secured an ounce before my departure, and was more than enough for myself...

My family spent the weekend together taking in some sights in Toronto, Canada Day weekend, July 1st... Went on a boat cruise around the harbour and the island...  there was a music festival at the Harbourfront Center, where I stopped for a moment to listen to a guy telling his story about traveling and playing his music... the story stuck in my head for  while.

There was a concert series that I had wanted to catch that summer, The Up in Smoke Tour, which had a stop in Toronto, on July 4, 2000... the day I left Toronto for the first time since My family had moved there in 1986...

On July 4, 2000 with 2 bags and a carry on... my dad gave me a handshake and told me good luck as I got on the bus, I told him I would be back... I got on the bus and found a place to sit... as the bus pulled away... I thought my plans were taking shape, I waved goodbye, and looked forward to the road ahead... 

Although, that day back in November may have been the first day of the rest of my life, this may have been the day my life actually began... This was more than just a bus trip for the summer... 

This was my journey, I was trying to figure out where I came from to move on with who I was supposed to be... My Journey of self discovery...




--

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 31:  Mini Biography, Vol.9 


In this Entry, Vol.9 of the Mini Biography series, Also Known as "The First Day of the Rest of My Life,"  Details the final weeks, over High School days, Probation, Internal struggle with missing aspects of the past, etc... Big Plans & Big Dreams Require a lot of hard work and patience. 




The Autobiography of Freeze Flame:
Vol. 8: The Rest of 99, SOME REAL CHANGE



As the summer of 1999 came to close, so did Young Red's Summer employment. Shortly after Labour Day Weekend, Red was abruptly fired from the theme park... He decided to go back to school for one more year...

With Graduation in his sights, Red tried to focus on gaining some extra credits to expand his post secondary possibities. He also decided to try out for the football team to see if he could compete again as an athlete...

He wasn't much concerned with school, since he had already technically graduated, Red just wasn't sure what he was going to do after leaving high school. He only really had one goal, one focus, but no real idea about how to go about reaching that goal. He knew it was possible and knew he could do it, but not alone... It was now recruitment season...

Red spent much of his spare time, observing and talking to fellow students about ideas, and what they were interested in, many of them had similar plans, some of them were already doing things geared towards the same goals, just not quite on the same path...

Red was eagerly awaiting the end of Probation for the first time in several years, now with only a few months remaining, Red could see freedom on the Horizon. With his probation now in his new Toronto neighborhood, Red's PO was fairly impressed with his progress and allowed long periods of time to elapse between scheduled visits. By the middle of September, Red's PO told him to keep out of trouble for the remainder of his time and come to see him in the final week of the probation order...

This freed up a lot of time for Red to focus on other things, but still keeping mainly to himself in his free time... Red began to plan out some strategies, and also look into some schools that he had heard of that catered to the music industry. He continued to study the Cds in and out, and keep up to date with the industry magazines...

By the time October rolled in, and the weather started to change, Red was experiencing difficulty with his required medication, it was affecting his concentration and making him gain weight rapidly, in turn making him self conscious and lowering his spirits...

Red held his head proudly despite his inner feeling, he was very proud of himself being only a couple weeks away from being handed his High School diploma. Something that he had worked very hard for over the last few years.

It was the final days of October 1999, When Red Brown walked the stage to received his last document in a high School setting... His gradutation diploma. It was the following days that Red began experiencing an anxiousness that would begin to consume his mind... He was thinking about leaving school...

He had already stopped playing football, his enthusiasm had ran dry from the lack of energy the medication was giving him.... He remembered and started thinking of the list of names he had come accross almost a year before... Previously, he had focused on the phone numbers... this time, Red realized that the list included addresses too.... He could have smacked himself for not thinking of it sooner.

Red's next focus was to draw up a rough draft of a letter... this took longer than he anticipated...

Red had a new plan, that would now take precedent over the Music, only because after long deep thought, and writing a few times, he figured this was something that needed to be done in order for him to gain some perspective on his own life, and up bringing... health background, etc...

The combination of the anxious thinking, gain the diploma, and lack of interest in the school as well as the need to sit and write some letters... Red's new plan required still some time, but a loss of independance in order to gain a whole lot more Freedom & Independance...



After obtaining his diploma, Red began to spend more time with his family on the weekends, dicsussing his possible return to living in their home. Red's Probation was up at the end of November, and asked his parents if they thought it would be a good idea for him to even return at all.... They did welcome him, but wanted him to remain active, either in some sort of school program or work...

Red Agreed to their terms, but had to make some unlikeable concessions... he thought he had to deal with it for at least until he got the letter completed.

In the final week of November, Red met with his probation officer for the last time, and with a "best of luck", his PO said goodbye, and told him not to come back...

Red decided to confide in one of his teachers and his guidance councilor, not giving them complete details, they advised him that leaving school wasn't the best idea... But he had bigger plans than receiving extra credits... And although, he did look into returning to school in the city his parents now lived in... the principle would not allow him to enroll as an adult... And shoved him off to an adult learning centre on the other side of town...

The Adult program was a learn at your own pace type school, something Red had done before, but not accomplished much.. the Process was much slower. Red enrolled anyway, it got him out of the house for the day... and at first worked away on some courses...

One day, tired from trying to think of what to put in this letter project, he look around the upper level of the new school for a place to take a nap out of site... And found a small cubicle to put his head down. He slept for awhile, and when he awoke, he had an idea and an urge to write.... From there the letter flowed...

Instead of choosing one person on the list, he decided to write hand written letter to each person individually... astonished at himself for not thinking of it much sooner... the letters became his reason for going to school. He had peace and quiet and plenty of time to pump out as many as possible. It maybe took a week or so to write 26 hand written personalized letters, to people in BC that may or may not have been relatives of his birth family...

He mailed them in small spirts, and awaited responses...

Only weeks prior to this, Red had been patiently waiting for his last days of probation to end for the first time since he was about 14 years old... On the eve of this day, November 29, 1999, Red & his family celebrated by taking him to Mandarin Buffet Restaurant for his first time...

This Day has come to be known as, The First Day of the Rest of his Life...

Young Red Brown, had now paid his debt to society and earned his freedom, and he knew exactly what he was going to do... 


--

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 30:  The Saga Continues... A Light a the end of the Tunnel


As, March rolled around in the spring of 1999, I was beginning to see a chance at securing some real freedom for the first time in several years, possibly in my life. I still had a few months to go on my probation, and a couple left in the school semester as well... 

I had now moved away from my old neighbourhood and was focusing more intently on myself and my plans.  I still had quite a few obligations, one being and order to seek treatment on my probation.  I wasn't going to risk a breach on such a little detail, so I decided to take a route that I had not agreed with previously.... 

My choice was to reconnect with the doctor from the group home I last lived in while in Custody.  He seemed like a pretty good one compared to many that I had seen over the years, I was actually able to get along with him.  I asked his honest opinion and he usually gave it too... I wanted to enquire about medication to fulfill my treatment order.  This would allow him to monitor it and me, as well as keep probation from asking too many questions... 

To say the least, it was an adjustment.  My Semester was going well, I was doing a co-op placement in the hospitality industry which meant I was only in school for a couple days a week, in the morning.. With these final credits, I would be an official High School Graduate with an option to return for another year.... At that point, Returning was the plan even though it would be my eighth year in high school...

I had taken a gym class, with a strict focus on basketball earlier that year and was invited to try out for the school team, and in the spring they were also running pre-tryouts for the following year's football team... I hadn't been involved in team sport in some years, so I thought it would be a good idea... 

Sometime in April, I was actually able to land a job for the summer.  I was hired to work in food service at Canada's Wonderland which was owned by Paramount at the time.  I was trying very hard to keep myself as busy as possible and to make money legally in my last months of Probation.   It was much more challenging that I had thought it would be, especially when the medication kicked in... 

This meant, I was now having to attend probation meetings, doctors appointments to monitor the medication, training for the new job and completing my co-op hours... I had failed my Grade 12 math again, so I decided to try to take a summer school course too.... All I remember was that the beginning of the summer was  really hot, and being on the new medication made the heat very hard for me to deal with.. i just couldn't stay conscious in class, or focus properly... so I decided to drop it, I didn't really need it anyway.... 

When My co-op hours were finally over, I had also completed my Second last Probation order... The middle of May 1999, was supposed to be the original date of my freedom-at-last, but it was delayed until November now, due to some adult case that I had caught recently...

My co-op hours finished early in June sometime, So the job bumped me up to FT as soon as I told them I was done school... and this left little time for much else outside appointments and commuting... I had to take the bus from Downtown Toronto, up To Vaughn, most days before the morning trains started even running...  I had to work open til Close most days... I guess in some ways that was my first real job... and it didn't grow on me at all.

Even with free access to a theme park, I had no desire to be there after work, the medication had also made me feel very strange at times...almost, somewhat anti-social... mostly to avoid the obvious line of questioning...

As I made some really nice friends, and met tons of people, I neglected to keep in touch with many of them outside of work...  to my own disappointment really, that probably would have been a really good thing for me at the time... 

I pretty much kept to myself, spent my money on Cds and music magazines, and locked myself away from the world waiting out the rest of my probation... and still in the back of my mind lingered a list that I had found a year or so earlier... 

The Longer I stayed indoors, the more problems I found with my apartment, Living downtown in Parkdale during heavy rainstorms, in a basement no less, brought flooding...  at first it was just the shower, but after a few times, it sank half the apartment.  

With my new found dampness out came the roaches.  I was able to sleep, only when covered from head to toe, with my eyes covered by a folded t-shirt... I was motionless while an endless parade of roaches covered the room each night... usually having a glass of water near by, I reached over one night to take a sip only to have to spit out a couple roaches taking a dip... 

I made the decision to move quickly, but that was much easier said than done... With my schedule and motivation it wasn't an easy process... A friend told me I was turning into a recluse or a hermit because of the medication and suggested that maybe it was making me paranoid... I didn't disagree...  

Something, I had began to notice was that my writing that had been very regular, had almost come to a complete stop due to my inactivity... It made me start thinking about a lot of things... One thing in my mind often was:  How was I going keep the topics of my writing real, if I wasn't doing dirt... Something, I couldn't believe I was thinking.

That's when I turned my attentions to another situation and re-thought my strategy in terms of getting involved in the music industry... I didn't want to take that step backwards again, in order to make more progress later... I wanted to keep moving forward by making progress now... 

I still had a few months to reformulate some of my plans, and kept on the path I had set for myself in the recent months...



--

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

PART 29:  Mini Biography, Vol.9

In this, Vol.9, of the Autobiography of Freeze Flame.  It was Red's chance to Move On and start over.  With Set backs decreasing, and Milestones on the Rize, inspiration was not hard to find...  Watch, read and learn how Red began to escape from the negativity in his personal life...




The Autobiography of Freeze Flame:
Vol. 7: Early 99 TIME TO MOVE ON



It was Mid-January 1999, by the time Young Red's Intermittent sentence was winding down. His weekend sentence was ending, and with that brought the end of some severe restrictions on Red's freedom. A sentence imposed triple probation ended, leaving only two probation orders to complete... His scheduled treatment requirements were ending too, leaving the requirement to be fulfilled on his own..

It was during these sessions that Red was submersed in entertainment magazines, Hip Hop in particular. He was constantly reading The Source, XXL, and Murder Dog to name a few... Keeping up to date and in touch with the music the helped save him from a life of crime and living in the street, this only fueled his passion for the music industry, and his motivation for building a company from an idea, into something much more...

By the end of January, Red Brown was back at it again, out in the streets with his people of the time, looking for something to do with his new found freedom and lust for life... It was late one night shortly after his latest sentence was completed that Red and another young companion, also struggling with legal issues, were simply walking when the Police stopped them and began to question there motives and reasons for being out so late...

When Red came to a realization, his young friend having similar troubles, he started thinking of better ideas, a way to school the next generation to his way of thinking and of how he changed his focus from street crime to Music scene... Simply by sharing his stories. His friend was grateful that night, however, they never crossed paths again...

Due to Red's taste and passion for Hip Hop music, his living situation had grown volatile. At the time of his sentencing he was ordered to live with his family. At the completion of the sentence Red and his father had an argument about this topic with ended with Red being asked to leave the house. It was a couple days later when he returned, and they worked out a deal. Red needed to leave, and his parents were moving out of the city...

Red, recently having started his final semester of high school for the year, had a choice to make, where was he going to live and was he going to finish high school? He decided that he would stay in school, especially after causing such a fuss to get back in... that meant he needed a new place to live...

It was time to begin the search. Red started to search for an apartment, he was tired of shared accommodation, it only ever ended badly for him. He was able to find a small bachelor apartment in the basement of a house, in Toronto's West End... Parkdale! One of Red's favorite neighborhoods for some reason, just full of life, and different cultures of people... and everything was so close...

The streetcar ran right past his front yard, he didn't have a front window... or a front door. Stores were close by, laundry, etc... school was walking distance, to Red's standard anyway. He had a bus pass, and a hidden apartment... He was in his own place and focusing on his future plans, or his master plan... Red had many plans, they all seemed to lead back to Music at some point...

First and foremost, Red's focus was on himself... he was determined not to quit, not to go back or get set back... meaning; Keeping his freedom at any cost. Music, was the next focus, and went right along with the first, mainly, because music was Red's personal saviour to some degree... Hip Hop music was Red's mental strength.

In 1999, Red's final year was upon him, and he saw it as an opportunity to move on. Move on from his past, from being a high school student, and a criminal on probation... though many months from that point, he was looking up. On one hand, he was close to completing all of the above, but he understood that there was a long road ahead...

It was the middle of February when Red finally moved into his new apartment, and although he felt isolated from damn near everything, he was proud to be out on his own again, back in school, and looking for a summer job. His parents moved away sometime in March, Red was busy with school, they were busy with packing, he was notified after the fact...

Far from his old neighborhood, Red felt rejuvenated... he liked the solo crew after being around such a large group of "friends," over the years... he wasn't so much watching his own back from people close to him now, just looking over his shoulder to see what was close by...

He continued to read his magazines, and buy Cd's like crazy... his focus was the choice he made, he began to study those albums as an architect rather than just listen as a fan. He was able to appreciate different styles, of the melody,beat, lyrics etc... where people around him chose to either hate or criticize everything that wasn't in a certain category...

Red's free time increased as time went by; he had transferred his probation to Parkdale as well, and his PO was pretty lenient, letting Red's appointments go to every couple months, rather than twice a week...

Red wasn't in hiding, but he wasn't looking for the old crew anymore, the long late night walks had changed to different neighborhoods and hall ways... Red was off the grid of everybody who had once known him, but out in the open to meet the new team that was in search of a visionary...

Outside the school, on lunch break and whenever, Red would join a new found group of guys, who had similar interests... every once in awhile they would break out in cypher, freestyle for minutes at a time... something Red always enjoyed... Spontaneous Hip Hop from the top of the head.. to a beat boxer with a homemade style... Under ground to the fullest...

This was all fuel to the FIRE of Freeze Flame!


--