PART 11: Choices Vol. 3, A turbulent '95
Moving forward in my young life, was harder than I ever imagined it would be. Speaking of Environment preventing change, 1995 came along without even a glimpse of reality. I was losing control of my Life of Dreams, and my reality... It got to a point at times to the two were so similar and closely linked that it melded together and I could not tell the difference. This was the first winter that my drug use carried over into the hockey season, a choice I had simply forgotten about, I suppose...
1995, was the year that started a noticeable pattern, in my life as well as in the neighborhood's infinite cycle... As I came out of my winter hibernation (crime spree), I was still playing hockey, little did I know this was my last season. I was in the second semester at school, third suspension in two years, going on fourth.
I still treated school quite like a joke, as I could show up or not, and still pass the classes... Example, My grade 10 math class... I hated the teacher, he was worth cutting open... I showed for 17 classes and my exam... my final mark was self imposed 24 percent or something close to that. 17 for my appearances, and I guess the remainder for showing up to the exam and maybe getting some answers right...
As spring break rolled around I was once again suspended, this time the second last day before spring break, so I again had two weeks off... they were doing construction on a small office near my locker, I found a really nice nail gun, semi-automatic... thing was crazy.
In those first two weeks off, I was out on my own at all hours... by this time in my life, I more or less had just stopped going home, instead of sneaking out. I was able to go home when my parents were at work, but they could not keep up with me anymore and I found it better that they didn't know what I was up to... thinking they would worry less in that sense. I doubt I was right, but I didn't want them to really know what I was doing out there in the streets, or have that knowledge to burden themselves with...regardless they were going through hell, simply just not knowing where I was...
As the regular season neared its end, I started missing practices, and almost games sometimes... The games were getting rougher and rougher, tournaments were like fight club or something... bench clearing brawls and everything.... we made the play offs too...
Outside of Hockey, April 1, 1995.... was a date that sent my life tail spinning... not sure what day it was, but we were partying like any other day, but because of all the trouble we had caused in recent times we were forced to stay outside... taking it into building lobbies and such... this night was like any other until a friend's parents came out screaming, drunk and ready to fight... for some reason. I was first confronted by the Mother, threatened and what not, when she closed in on my personal space I could smell the liquor and told her to back up.... when she didn't I made the mistake pushing her away- Palm2forehead....
Then the boyfriend grabbed me by the back of my collar and hauled me away... yelling and threatening.... I told him to let me go a few times, not in quite the nicest of ways... But when he kept choking me I took a swing and dropped him ONE-Time.... When they called the cops, I ran.... for about 2 days then I went home for a nap...
My parents had no knowledge of the incident until I was arrested later that week, soon after I emerged from hiding... I was released on a promise to appear, and I was again back at square one, with regards to changing my ways. It seemed that the more I thought about making changes, the less actually happened to allow me to do so...
Around the same time, my hockey team was already in playoffs, my parents allowed me play with the hope that it would keep me out of trouble... We were in a series maybe mid way through... quarters or semis, not sure.... at the end of the game, one of their players having a clear size advantage on me, decided to cross check me in the throat... very accurately hitting my Adam's Apple... I fell choking, and struggling to get air.... I don't know how I got up, but I did.. chased him, jumped on him and started pounding as hard as could, his helmet came off and blood was spilled... as his teammate jumped on me, and one of mine then jumped that guy... the fight escalated to a negative point.
That was my last game in the Mississauga Hockey League, I was given a suspension after a hearing that carried over to any season that I played next. I wasn't allowed to play in a game until Jan. 1st of the next season I played (Half the season), this prevented me from making every team I tried out for....
Before the end of the school year, I was suspended at least once more for skipping class(Genius idea), then afterward put on some kind of attendance monitoring where I learned how to forge signatures of all my teachers, nice... but sooo wrong.... After awhile, I even talked to my VP... in maybe my first conscious attempt to better my behavior I told him that I would finish the school year and attend my classes without monitoring.... but not telling him about the forging.
As summer 1995 began I believed myself to be altering my life's path. Not sure where I got that idea, however, I did make attempts.... But I had to complete summer school for the first time which I slept through to a passing grade; I also had stopped playing baseball after the previous season, that left me with a lot of free time. I was offered a place as an assistant coach for a baseball team, in a much younger age group, I took it thinking I could do it and keep myself out of trouble and stay away from distractions...
Maybe I tried too hard all at once, with all my obligations I think I was a bit overwhelmed with the structure... because all the partying continued as well as the drug use... my all night long hours really conflicted with the daytime structured activities and obligations which soon came to an end, unfortunately, without even a second thought or a care in the world.... in all my attempts to change, my point of view of the world probably needed the most adjustment.
As the summer progressed, they were tearing apart the neighborhood catholic elementary... I saw the machinery and had an idea, the Bobcats used to move all manner of materials were being operated by workers that were drinking almost constantly while they worked... I took notice, and also noticed they left the keys in after they left for the day.... interesting?
After some convincing, I talked a friend into helping me, because there was 2 machines, into getting them started one night and seeing what we could do with them... Work gloves in hand and all, we tried to get them started... finally figuring it out, we started driving them around the immediate parking lot learning the operations & controls.... them moved on to our own construction projects... sort of...
I was initially going to drive through the main school, but decided to tear up a portable instead... that was kind of fun... we went on to rip stuff out of the ground for a while before the police showed up on scene & gave chase... I saw them late, my friend was already gone when I saw him running, they were already on my ass... I got out and ran... they gave chase on foot, tackled me real hard face first into gravel or sand or something.... cuffed me and dragged me by the chain back to the cruiser at the other side of the park and proceeded to beat me for longer than I can remember... KO'd a couple times, blacked out a couple more... not sure if they knew or just kept beating me the whole time... Cops are unbelievably good at not leaving bruises & inflicting maximum pain...
With my last charges still outstanding, I was released on bail with pretty much house arrest & non-association conditions, they told my friend that I gave him up.... bullshit!
These conditions were so strict, I was in violation almost every minute of the day... even when I was trying to be good... police would be knocking down our door... I was trying to stay out of trouble so much that I didn't have time for much else, I had to hide just taking my dog for a walk...
Around Labor Day weekend, give or take, 2 girls from the neighborhood, started a beef over the phone one afternoon.... resulting in one of the largest neighborhood fight preparations I had seen, at that time at least... gathering for hours and waiting til late, It ended with a lot less violence than expected, but half the police department showed up after being tipped off by somebody.... keep in mind this was still back when people chose to use their fists as weapons, even when blades and stuff were still present and available...
During the first week of school, friends joked with me that I wasn't in jail... I was surprised as well, joking back saying, "you never know, maybe next week..." little did I know.
I had been a rough year to that point, as much as I wanted to, and thought of ways to change, they just never got implemented very well. There was always something getting in the way and blocking that path for me... My environment at that time in my life was one of destruction and violence, both self inflicted and upon others. My hand was forced on a number of occasions where I was only given options that would have made the situation worse, I had to choose the lesser or a degree there of...
Crime and Violence was a way of life for me back then and the choices I made eventually lead to clearer decision making down the road, but it also made me cold... for a long time I did not acknowledge feelings inside me, that to this day, I think might have saved me earlier...
My first bid came from an event that took place on a Sunday morning/afternoon... while I was with friends including my recent co-accused, drinking where we normally played basketball... the court was filled with cars because of the neighboring church. We decided to play anyway... around the cars, on the cars, over the cars... no damage was done, but some old guys playing Tennis heard glass break and tried to make a citizens arrest... so I took off after one them tried to restrain me with his tennis racket... surprisingly that was never mentioned, he let me go when I threatened to hit him... he happened to have a pace maker...
We were both arrested and spent a bit of time in open custody (a group home) because we were youths, but in separate places because of the bail conditions... now with three sets of unresolved charges... and no idea what was going to happen... Can't recall what happened to him, I think he was released on time served after a couple weeks, I got time served plus another month and probation... just in time for my 16th birthday...
I was released in October 1995, only to realize that nothing was going to change... My mother even asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to change, but we went back home, to the same house, in the same neighborhood... and I went back to the same school with the same group of friends... although that matter was resolved, I still had the assault charges from earlier in the year to deal with. My dad begged relatives to take me in, all across the country with very little success...
Things just got worse when I wasn't able to make a team the next hockey season, way too much free time, but I think I played my second year of football that fall... just another attempt to stay out of trouble, but football is a fairly short season... November was catch up at school... I was doing courses from two different schools because the group home had its own teacher and school on the property, all the courses were correspondence, so I was able to take it home with me...
Where was I headed? How do I change it? It takes a lot more than just an idea, or the want to...Moving forward in my young life, was harder than I ever imagined it would be. Speaking of Environment preventing change, 1995 came along without even a glimpse of reality. I was losing control of my Life of Dreams, and my reality... It got to a point at times to the two were so similar and closely linked that it melded together and I could not tell the difference. This was the first winter that my drug use carried over into the hockey season, a choice I had simply forgotten about, I suppose...
1995, was the year that started a noticeable pattern, in my life as well as in the neighborhood's infinite cycle... As I came out of my winter hibernation (crime spree), I was still playing hockey, little did I know this was my last season. I was in the second semester at school, third suspension in two years, going on fourth.
I still treated school quite like a joke, as I could show up or not, and still pass the classes... Example, My grade 10 math class... I hated the teacher, he was worth cutting open... I showed for 17 classes and my exam... my final mark was self imposed 24 percent or something close to that. 17 for my appearances, and I guess the remainder for showing up to the exam and maybe getting some answers right...
As spring break rolled around I was once again suspended, this time the second last day before spring break, so I again had two weeks off... they were doing construction on a small office near my locker, I found a really nice nail gun, semi-automatic... thing was crazy.
In those first two weeks off, I was out on my own at all hours... by this time in my life, I more or less had just stopped going home, instead of sneaking out. I was able to go home when my parents were at work, but they could not keep up with me anymore and I found it better that they didn't know what I was up to... thinking they would worry less in that sense. I doubt I was right, but I didn't want them to really know what I was doing out there in the streets, or have that knowledge to burden themselves with...regardless they were going through hell, simply just not knowing where I was...
As the regular season neared its end, I started missing practices, and almost games sometimes... The games were getting rougher and rougher, tournaments were like fight club or something... bench clearing brawls and everything.... we made the play offs too...
Outside of Hockey, April 1, 1995.... was a date that sent my life tail spinning... not sure what day it was, but we were partying like any other day, but because of all the trouble we had caused in recent times we were forced to stay outside... taking it into building lobbies and such... this night was like any other until a friend's parents came out screaming, drunk and ready to fight... for some reason. I was first confronted by the Mother, threatened and what not, when she closed in on my personal space I could smell the liquor and told her to back up.... when she didn't I made the mistake pushing her away- Palm2forehead....
Then the boyfriend grabbed me by the back of my collar and hauled me away... yelling and threatening.... I told him to let me go a few times, not in quite the nicest of ways... But when he kept choking me I took a swing and dropped him ONE-Time.... When they called the cops, I ran.... for about 2 days then I went home for a nap...
My parents had no knowledge of the incident until I was arrested later that week, soon after I emerged from hiding... I was released on a promise to appear, and I was again back at square one, with regards to changing my ways. It seemed that the more I thought about making changes, the less actually happened to allow me to do so...
Around the same time, my hockey team was already in playoffs, my parents allowed me play with the hope that it would keep me out of trouble... We were in a series maybe mid way through... quarters or semis, not sure.... at the end of the game, one of their players having a clear size advantage on me, decided to cross check me in the throat... very accurately hitting my Adam's Apple... I fell choking, and struggling to get air.... I don't know how I got up, but I did.. chased him, jumped on him and started pounding as hard as could, his helmet came off and blood was spilled... as his teammate jumped on me, and one of mine then jumped that guy... the fight escalated to a negative point.
That was my last game in the Mississauga Hockey League, I was given a suspension after a hearing that carried over to any season that I played next. I wasn't allowed to play in a game until Jan. 1st of the next season I played (Half the season), this prevented me from making every team I tried out for....
Before the end of the school year, I was suspended at least once more for skipping class(Genius idea), then afterward put on some kind of attendance monitoring where I learned how to forge signatures of all my teachers, nice... but sooo wrong.... After awhile, I even talked to my VP... in maybe my first conscious attempt to better my behavior I told him that I would finish the school year and attend my classes without monitoring.... but not telling him about the forging.
As summer 1995 began I believed myself to be altering my life's path. Not sure where I got that idea, however, I did make attempts.... But I had to complete summer school for the first time which I slept through to a passing grade; I also had stopped playing baseball after the previous season, that left me with a lot of free time. I was offered a place as an assistant coach for a baseball team, in a much younger age group, I took it thinking I could do it and keep myself out of trouble and stay away from distractions...
Maybe I tried too hard all at once, with all my obligations I think I was a bit overwhelmed with the structure... because all the partying continued as well as the drug use... my all night long hours really conflicted with the daytime structured activities and obligations which soon came to an end, unfortunately, without even a second thought or a care in the world.... in all my attempts to change, my point of view of the world probably needed the most adjustment.
As the summer progressed, they were tearing apart the neighborhood catholic elementary... I saw the machinery and had an idea, the Bobcats used to move all manner of materials were being operated by workers that were drinking almost constantly while they worked... I took notice, and also noticed they left the keys in after they left for the day.... interesting?
After some convincing, I talked a friend into helping me, because there was 2 machines, into getting them started one night and seeing what we could do with them... Work gloves in hand and all, we tried to get them started... finally figuring it out, we started driving them around the immediate parking lot learning the operations & controls.... them moved on to our own construction projects... sort of...
I was initially going to drive through the main school, but decided to tear up a portable instead... that was kind of fun... we went on to rip stuff out of the ground for a while before the police showed up on scene & gave chase... I saw them late, my friend was already gone when I saw him running, they were already on my ass... I got out and ran... they gave chase on foot, tackled me real hard face first into gravel or sand or something.... cuffed me and dragged me by the chain back to the cruiser at the other side of the park and proceeded to beat me for longer than I can remember... KO'd a couple times, blacked out a couple more... not sure if they knew or just kept beating me the whole time... Cops are unbelievably good at not leaving bruises & inflicting maximum pain...
With my last charges still outstanding, I was released on bail with pretty much house arrest & non-association conditions, they told my friend that I gave him up.... bullshit!
These conditions were so strict, I was in violation almost every minute of the day... even when I was trying to be good... police would be knocking down our door... I was trying to stay out of trouble so much that I didn't have time for much else, I had to hide just taking my dog for a walk...
Around Labor Day weekend, give or take, 2 girls from the neighborhood, started a beef over the phone one afternoon.... resulting in one of the largest neighborhood fight preparations I had seen, at that time at least... gathering for hours and waiting til late, It ended with a lot less violence than expected, but half the police department showed up after being tipped off by somebody.... keep in mind this was still back when people chose to use their fists as weapons, even when blades and stuff were still present and available...
During the first week of school, friends joked with me that I wasn't in jail... I was surprised as well, joking back saying, "you never know, maybe next week..." little did I know.
I had been a rough year to that point, as much as I wanted to, and thought of ways to change, they just never got implemented very well. There was always something getting in the way and blocking that path for me... My environment at that time in my life was one of destruction and violence, both self inflicted and upon others. My hand was forced on a number of occasions where I was only given options that would have made the situation worse, I had to choose the lesser or a degree there of...
Crime and Violence was a way of life for me back then and the choices I made eventually lead to clearer decision making down the road, but it also made me cold... for a long time I did not acknowledge feelings inside me, that to this day, I think might have saved me earlier...
My first bid came from an event that took place on a Sunday morning/afternoon... while I was with friends including my recent co-accused, drinking where we normally played basketball... the court was filled with cars because of the neighboring church. We decided to play anyway... around the cars, on the cars, over the cars... no damage was done, but some old guys playing Tennis heard glass break and tried to make a citizens arrest... so I took off after one them tried to restrain me with his tennis racket... surprisingly that was never mentioned, he let me go when I threatened to hit him... he happened to have a pace maker...
We were both arrested and spent a bit of time in open custody (a group home) because we were youths, but in separate places because of the bail conditions... now with three sets of unresolved charges... and no idea what was going to happen... Can't recall what happened to him, I think he was released on time served after a couple weeks, I got time served plus another month and probation... just in time for my 16th birthday...
I was released in October 1995, only to realize that nothing was going to change... My mother even asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to change, but we went back home, to the same house, in the same neighborhood... and I went back to the same school with the same group of friends... although that matter was resolved, I still had the assault charges from earlier in the year to deal with. My dad begged relatives to take me in, all across the country with very little success...
Things just got worse when I wasn't able to make a team the next hockey season, way too much free time, but I think I played my second year of football that fall... just another attempt to stay out of trouble, but football is a fairly short season... November was catch up at school... I was doing courses from two different schools because the group home had its own teacher and school on the property, all the courses were correspondence, so I was able to take it home with me...
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