Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 21: Back 4 The First Time

After the allotment of time spent in the detention center in Guelph, I was finally picked up by a couple guys from the treatment center sent out to drive me down to the next group home... I was headed back to Toronto for the first time in years, or so it felt...

I was delivered to the next group home and that was where I stayed until my time was finished...  This house happened to be a treatment facility too, just much different than the one before, right in the middle of the city... Talking to the doctor was mandatory at first, in part to assess where the young offender's head was at, but also what route to take in terms of treatment of posible medications...  

The intake process was fairly long, about a week, but as soon as it was finished I was allowed to have visitors... The first visitors I had had in months, since being in secure custody... I hadn't been anywhere long enough since to earn a visit.  

I was allowed to see my family for the first time in quite a long time...It was August 1996, but as soon as September came around, I was immediately enrolled into the school or the house which was a short distance away on the subway... So I was also given a travel pass to get around the city, as well as bus fare....

Each day we were let out of the house alone and given different route to get to school, in order for us not to be hanging out together on the way to school... My route was really easy, most of the guys would wait for each other and travel together anyway, I just went the way I knew how to get there...

I felt a little out of place at first, especially at  the school... The teachers were ok, they seemed to care about helping some of us...It was awhile before I was allowed to go home for a weekend pass... I needed a challenge in my schooling in order to keep me interested, so the teacher gave me book to read and wanted me to do a book report on it...  

The book was The Chrysalids, the report became a project the inspired my writing talent once again, one the report became a document that encouraged the staff to help me get into a community school before I left custody....

The book report became more of an essay, and I was asked if it was ok if they published it in some industry journal that was internal for the company that ran the house and the school.  I never thought it would be that big of deal, and I never got to keep a copy of it either, something I regret still to this day... 

Writing had always been an interest of mine, I just never had the words to explain what I really wanted to say...  I did mostly creative writing back then, stories that weren't real, that may have been where I hit a wall...

When I started writing this book report, it just flowed like water, it was related to the story, but I took it and made it my own... relating aspects of the story line, plot, etc... to aspects of my life that I wanted to change in order to improve my life, change my ways and  get on a path....

The teacher thought this way of relating the book to my own life was very unique, especially considering that the book was something of sci-fi story... 

When Christmas came around this time, I was able to go home for the first time.  I was given a five day pass to go home for Christmas... So I left the group home on Christmas day and spent the time with my family, and was able to have some friends over to visit in the days that followed...   

It was the new year before I new it, I was trying to improve my life in as many ways as I possibly could.... I requested that I take my initial driver's license test, the written test...  I was able to and pass it on the first try...  I was also able to enter into a training program for kitchen work, prep cook, etc.. and started working on the weekends, and still had time to join the house on their outings to the gym and what not... I had been able to get weekend passes to go home almost every weekend, so I was going home and to work on the weekends, and then returning to the house afterwards...

It wasn't until February 1997, that I was able to get into a Community school, right at the last minute, just in time to choose my classes and start attending... because of my personal situation, I had to report to the house every time I got to school and before I left... This was my routine for the remainder of my time, I was able to schedule work for after school, this allowed me to have a little more freedom at time, then my home visits... let me out for short periods of time over night on the weekends....

It felt as if life was getting back to normal, there was still a few obstacles to overcome before I was really free... Probation being one of them...   

  

  

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Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 20:  Choices Vol. 4, A Milestone, or an Escape?

I was delivered to my temporary group home, sometime in the early evening the day I was sentenced.... having not eaten anything all day, as well as missing the house's dinner time  I was allowed to enter the kitchen and get something to eat...  Something, I was not used to anymore, open access to a kitchen?  felt strange for a moment, but I got used to it quickly.... And I was much hungrier than I thought...

After my intake and introductions to the house rules and staff, etc... I was given a bed in a shared room.  It was a  really big old house, with about 12 guys in it, that I met shortly after, many of which I had already met either inside or outside.... a few of the guys were actually from my neighbourhood and that made it easier to settle in, and I quickly forgot that I was only supposed to be there for a few weeks while a spot opened up at the so called treatment facility I had been sentenced to...

Other than actually being in custody and not being allowed to go where ever I wanted, I made the best of the situation.  I would go out every chance I got just to see the sunlight again, it felt like I hadn't seen it in years...  the first time we went to the corner store, I was surprised to see a huge coin that replaced the $2 bill, they called it a Toonie... I didn't even know what it was and asked for my real change...  

We mostly went for walks around the neighbourhood, so the guys could smoke, I went to get out of the house, walk and get some air, REAL air... something I no longer took for granted, but knew could easily be taken away again at any moment.  I knew why I was sentenced to a treatment facility, I had used a lot of drugs over the years and had met with people from a program... I found out quickly that most people that entered the program did so to get out of a secure jail sentence, and into an open custody...

I guess, in some way that may have been my original thinking too, but when it came down to it... I did have to deal with my own issues, demons, addictions... what ever they may have been at the time.  I never really considered myself a drug addict, but found that when access to what I liked was available, I really felt no reason to turn it down...

There seemed to always be ample opportunity to get something or share what was already there... the guys who had visitation were bringing it in all the time.... I never really asked from where, and they were always eager to share anyway...  the steam from the showers usually dulled the smell, and masked the smoke... but one night right before I was to be transfered, me and a few guys smoked a joint... I was really high, having been sober for so long.... Almost as soon as I left the washroom, I was confronted by my case worker and reminded why I was there... and made aware of where I was going, etc... 

I knew he knew, he knew I knew he knew.... but he just stressed to me that it was my chance to change my life for the better, and had a really good opportunity to do so... he asked me what I wanted to do, whether I would rather stay at the house in Brampton, or go to the treatment facility.... I told him I would go, and he said to me that I made the right decision... I just thought It might be the right time to follow through...

The morning of my next transfer, I was forced to miss an outing that I enjoyed because I was supposed to pack and get ready... I don't recall exactly what happened or why, but I must have had a moment of second thought.  I had grown comfortable in my new surroundings and a part of me didn't want to move again... I was left alone in my room to get my stuff ready, etc... 

It was a short time later that I wanted to ask my worker a question, so I went looking for a staff member and when I came down stairs there was nobody in the house at all... The office was empty, there was an office at the back of the kitchen that the director used, he was on the phone and waved me off... Then I noticed somebody on the front porch, so I went to see who it was.  One of the female staff was smoking of to the side, so I asked if I could come out there.  She allowed me to join her, and I asked where everybody was...  

When the director of the house came out of his office, he saw the front door open and only me standing outside, so he assumed that I was trying to run, and called the police... Moments later they arrived and dragged me inside, and now I was waiting for another transfer, not to where I was supposed to go.... but back to where I had just left a few weeks ago...

They called it a 24.2.9 transfer, for  a youth going back to secure lock up from Open custody.  I went back to the same jail, different area.  I guess it had again been overflowing with young offenders, so the had to take over one of the female cell blocks on the upper levels.  I sat there doing nothing for about four days before the new house came and picked me up.  

I ran into a lot of people that I knew already though, many of those guys that were going in and out of jail on a regular basis... I talked to one, he was clearly getting tired of the lifestyle and sounded very different than the first time we met... I also ran into a childhood friend from the outside that I hadn't seen in years... 

When they finally came to pick me up, I was great full once again to be leaving that place behind... It was the last time I saw it from the inside.  Maybe a little over a year or so later, they closed it down for young offenders and transfered them all to a different jail in the City... By the time my sentence was up, I was almost an adult anyway.

This time, I was headed up to a small town north of Guelph, ON... completely different jurisdiction, in a little farming community. This was the treatment facility where I was supposed to spend my next 11 months now as it would be... The place was co-ed and mainly for young offenders from surrounding areas in Ontario.  It also was supported by their original location in Montreal, which was a voluntary treatment facility for drug addiction mainly for adults.  This place had a select few from that program, as well as some younger kids that weren't in custody but struggling with their own issues and under the care of children's aid...

Ironically, the day I arrived I wasn't the only one entering the program.  One of the guys that was in the departure cell on my final day in the cage was also there.  I had met him before, he was aright... I hadn't yet decided if this place was for me, a milestone to my change in life, or an escape from a longer jail sentence.  I was willing to give it a shot and determine that along the way...

The place was nice, it was on a big property surrounded by farms... cornfields mostly.  There was a river running through the one side of the property.  They had their own school and laundry, etc.. As for the treatment aspect.... It turned out to be much different than I was expecting.  The counsellors that ran the place were actually graduates of the program, nice people, with real experiences to share...  That is pretty much what we did, share in groups, or one to one.... the rest of the time was spent doing chores and cleaning, with some free time for recreation here and there...

The male section was two large dorms at one end of the main building, and the girls lived in what could be describe as the original house, upstairs... we all interacted during the day, the only time we didn't was at night after lights out... This place had a very high turn over rate, and I soon found out why...

First it was one, the it was two, then they started going in groups... Once the summer started and the weather got nice, guys and girls started running, and because we were all technically still in jail, they were escaping custody.  I started to believe that some of these people got transfered there just for that purpose eventually... just so they could escape.  The majority of them were eventually caught and charged...

As I watched my new friends come and go, and tried to make my best effort to complete the program... They were just not letting me make progress.  I was denied visitation on many occasions, I tried to work the program, but it just didn't work for me... They seemed to structure the program around the control over people cigarettes.  Everybody was allowed to have 5 cigarettes per day, depending on their behaviour... I didn't smoke, so I would collect cigarettes for a friend or two, and we would then trade them for things....

When we were eventually caught, they found that with holding my cigarettes wasn't going to work as discipline for me, so they just started denying my level increases, and making life difficult in other ways...

The day I was transfered out, again a 24.2.9 transfer, back to secure custody, different jail, different county... I was making an attempt to up my level, and gain a visitation pass... in order to do this I had to take part in a group share and be open and honest... and explain myself and why I deserved this pass, etc... 

I guess something triggered me, and the counsellor really pissed me off when he denied me yet again... I got mad and threw a chair across the room.... As I was waiting for the bus to take me away, approximately 8 guys took off within about a two hour time... I must have been asked about four times to go with them.. I chose to wait...and wait is what I did... it took all day.  I think they were expecting me to run as well...

I went to Wellington County Detention Center, and there I sat doing a whole lot of nothing for the maximum time a 24.2.9 can, just under 2 full weeks... In this place, there was no supervision. and we spent the major portion of the day in our cells... so I slept most of the time... While I waited.... this place was a real shit whole... 

I learned much later, that around the same time I was there, a young offender was killed while in custody, but I wasn't surprised, not even a little....

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Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 19:  The Final Days in the Cage

Although, the final days in the cage refers to time spent in jail, and court house holding, etc... this was not the end.  The final days in the cage, wasn't  gearing up for release, rather it was the beginning of the sentence, after having been somewhat pressured into pleading guilty to the charges...

To my surprise, the amount of fighting I was subject to was few and far between among my fellow inmates, however the amount of beatings I was subject to on behalf on pissed off jail guards was much more...  we weren't aware of this, but the time we spent on locked down during the strike was in part because of a huge riot at young offender facility out near Lake Huron, called BlueWater.  Their riot had lasted a few days, and was very destructive... the after effects on the young offenders involved, and any of them that were simply incarcerated there were some experiences that I learned of much later, through first hand meetings with the survivors.

My final days in the cage, were brutal in their own way... when things were good, or calm... we were able to clean our cells on a daily basis... The time during the strike, that was not happening.... then one day, the guards decided to implement their owns rules for visitation.  Basically, if you had a visitor, and wanted to see them, you were subject to a strip search before attending, and upon returning....  even though most visits were through glass, and not in person.  I thought this was a load of bullshit.  

The first time I was subject to this new rule, I was reluctant, and didn't believe it... I thought the guards were just fucking with me to get me to react.  After my visit, I returned for my strip search, then was returned to my cell... and moments later, the guards came onto the range to toss the cells and conduct yet another strip search... This time I refused.  The next few hours I was isolated while they finished their searches on the other ranges... then I was given another chance to obey, or suffer the consequences.  I chose to refuse, so I was held down by four guards while already handcuffed, spread eagle... while they cut my clothes off with scissors...

Afterwards, for my refusal I was given a swift beating by those guards and others that were nearby... I counted at least five or six.  Not too sure how conscious I was or even if I was... It was an attempt to break my spirit, but after that I wasn't concerned with whether or not I could win a fight, just how hard I could fight... if fighting came into the picture.

Before that event there was only a few instances that I really felt the need to fight, afterwards, fighting wasn't really on my mind... it was more about making life difficult for the guards and banding together with our fellow inmates, against their treatment of us...

For the most part, court was finished, I was just waiting for news of the next step in the process...  My lawyer told me that she was able to get a plea deal, for a few months of Open custody, as well as probation upon release... When I agreed to a few months, I thought maybe three to six months.... when the sentence came down I was given 12 months more, of open custody, and 2 years of probation to follow my release... 

The night before my final court date, I was still unaware of this deal... But understood that their was some kind of treatment element involved within the sentence...

On my final day within the cage, it kind of ended the way it all started... This time I wasn't so worried about it... The morning of, everybody that was headed to court was shuffled off the ranges and into the departure area.  I was stuck in the cell with the most people, well over ten, most had only been there for a couple days and were expected to make bail, so they didn't know me, or how long I had been there and what I was capable of... probably didn't care though either...

There was at least one guy, that had been on my range... our breakfast came in and as I reached for the tray, the toast got snatched, so I knocked it over and went for the next tray, same thing happened.... so this time I grabbed the tray, dumped it out... kicked over the rest of the trays so nobody was eating.... and proceeded to hit anybody that looked at me with the tray in my hands... 

I got a few shots in on a few guys, before I was hit from behind with the juice jug... I was standing on top of what would have been the bed in a normal cell, slipped on the juice and fell into the pit of kicking boots and shoes... As soon as I stood up, I was yanked out of the cell by the back of my collar... the guard dragged me a few cells down and literally through me in as I tried to squirm free, not knowing who it was...

I had a quiet day of waiting, during the court process, they had no more room on the men's side and had to keep me on the female holding cells.... there was no women there that day...

I was there longer than normal, everybody had left back to the jail house, or got bail... I was being sentenced and transfered... 

One of the guys I was fighting with that morning ended up in the bull pen across from me... he got his bail, but apparently got in a fight in the holding cells and was charged again... he was pretty upset when they guards told him he wasn't leaving... I laughed at him, just to piss him off a little bit which did not impress him...

As my final day in the cage approached its end, I was pretty exhausted from the long day, the missed breakfast, and maybe the few lumps I received, but I didn't back down, and I never gave up....  But I was glad to get out of the place for the first time in what seemed like forever, but was not much more than six months... 

In that short time, I never left... but saw the same group of guys come and go multiple times... Pre-Trial Custody, also known as Dead Time, is just that dead - time.... as if life goes on without you on the outside, but every single day feels like 3... time almost seems to stop and drag on in slow motion...

My next trip on the jail bus was to a group home in Brampton, to await another transfer to the treatment facility to which I had been sentenced to serve the next 12 months... 

  

      

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Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 18:  Mini Biography Vol. 5

This is Volume 3 of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  This takes place around the same time period as the previous few entries, however, focuses on different events significant to Freeze Flame's Development over the years, it may also serve as some of the first inspirations to make Freeze Flame into a reality.

The Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame:

Vol. 3, The (His)-Story & The Flame Judgement

With big plans ahead, and thousands of ideas of how to make those plans a reality, Young Red had just hit a roadblock in the form of one of the more major setbacks to affect his young life. This setback, however, would lay a foundation for several milestones over the next few years, that would change the path of this young man for the rest of his life. Red, was arrested and taken into Police custody later the same night of the fire...

The full affects of what was yet to come, was something that Young Red could not comprehend totally at the time. After the charge was laid, Arson, and the police began to ask questions and make threats in order to get what they really wanted, mainly, a confession and also to have less work to do with regards to an investigation.

The Police were the first to make their judgement. As much as the law says otherwise, one is usually guilty in the eyes of the arresting Police officer before anything else. The real fear didn't set in until the cops dropped Red off at the jail house, and welcomed him to his NEW home...

Over the next six months, Red was stuck inside a jail cell night after night, left to wonder when or if he was going to be released... even when he was released where would he go? He was at that point, all Alone. The friends Red thought he had on the outside, began to slowly dissappear, his family was not ready to discuss the situation or the incident at the root of it all....

Red still had his Musical aspirations, and a small plan that was given time to expand in size and scope, he also met a few characters inside that would fuel an inspiration for the Music, and more esspecially Hip Hop Culture... it was a good year, 1995 Hip Hop was at a peak. Wu Tang was huge, the South was rizing, The West Coast was bangin Steady & Canadian Hip Hop was on lock down. Red stood face-to-face with some of Toronto's deepest underground MC's and aspiring rappers...

Due to the charges, Red had no real home any longer. His friends had left him to fend for himself, his family didn't want anything to do with him, he believed they thought of him as a lost cause. His lawyer didn't believe a word he said, and inturn, Red did not trust her either... The first couple months was the hardest. Once or twice a week sometimes, Red was transported to court houses or mental hospitals to be assessed... Not always something he looked forward to.

After the Third month or so, the court dates slowed to a halt. Now being put off for months at a time. Leaving Red, to deal with his surroundings as best he knew how... to fit in, and get fit, Never back down, being observant rather than dominant, it worked for what it was worth. Red just didn't want to accept it or get used to it, there was more to life for him...

When Red was assigned to his first cell, he started to meet some interesting people, most of them older than he was. Having spent much of their young life in jail already they were able to school Red in the lifestyle and give him bits of advice here and there...

One thing Red began to notice was that once he began to make "friends," He also realized that for the most part, those friends weren't real, but very similar to his friends on the outside. The act may have been geniune, but the actual friendship was very limited.

To pass the day, these young offenders were left out of there cells on the range, able to watch tv and play cards or what not... One day, it just started, a couple of guys gathered and started a cipher. One or two guys banging a beat out on the table or beat boxing, the rest taking turns freestyling. Red watched for the most part, taking in the lyrics and the styles... all of this fueled the fire of his musical ideas.

What he witnessed was truly artistic, the most basic beat, not something you would hear today... with all the sounds available these days... Two fists banging on a stainless steel table, a bit of a baseline sounded out with the sounds of one's mouth. Lyrics that flowed steadily off the top of the head, stories & punchlines to catch the attention of people... It would have made a great documentary about the positive aspects of Music, as well as Hip Hop Music. That thought went into the memory bank and the idea catalogue.

Red witnessed this collective work many hundreds of time while incarcerated, different groups of guys doing the same basic things... The second cell mate Red was assigned to happened to be Native as well. The two hit it off and quickly became friends. He had a talent for beat boxing that he was developing as well as a knack for the guitar. He was able to sneak it in to the cell one night before lock down, and went on to play for most of the night.... The Playlist was Metallica & Nirvana, he knew a lot of the lyrics too...

It got to the point where Red was not going to court much at all anymore, his list of phone numbers had dwindled as people asked him not to call any more, as people moved away, as he realized who his real friends were... he thought it very ironic that he was arrested and sent away right at the time when he was really beginning to feel a change in his lifestyle, on the outside.

It took about six months, but in May 1996, Red was handed a FLAME judgment and sentenced to 12 months, plus probation upon release. This was a shock, but he finally new that he would eventually get out. He was transeferred to an open custody group home to wait to be transfered to another in a few weeks.

Red's young life had been left in Limbo at this point for almost a year, and would not be able to continue for quite some time. He began again, to plan his strategy for his release which he waited for patiently, having every chance and opportunity to escape with the ones who decided to run. Red must have been asked to do so in groups and indvidually atleast 50 times.

Red was reintroduced to many of the guys he had contact with on the inside, as well as many more that he met througout his time. Upon his transfer he was sent to a treatment facility that was set up to aid in addictions, mostly. Red learned a lot about himself as well as many of the other people, and how to deal with his own demons. He was never really allowed to complete the program, and was eventually transfered out to another group home, in Toronto... where he completed his time.

While in Toronto, back for the first time, in years. Red was able to gain a bit of freedom one step at a time. He was also able to focus much better at this time, getting into school and getting a job...able to set in motion some of his long term goal. Although, there was a few setbacks that made progress difficult, and he continued to struggle within himself.

In September, 1996 Tupac Shakur was gunned down and with access to the news they all saw it. Red really didn't know what to make of it at the time. Pac and his music was one of Red's inspirational leaders, a man that made music that made one think about things... Red had a lot to think about, things to change in his own life, people to choose for his team, and people to evacuate from his presence....

Without such changes, Red believed he would end up in trouble again. Something he did not want. Red thought, that he had a couple of the right people with the right stories to tell. He only had to convince them to set on this path...

After Red's second Christmas in custody, he began to get a little stir crazy. Although he was attending a day school run by the group home, he also had a job in a kitchen... but he wanted more. He wanted to go to a real school, in the community. Almost as soon as he found out it was even an option he wanted to make it happen.

February 1997, was the beginning of the new semester, and Red was accepted into a community school. And began attending immediately. Red had never been so excited to go to school before and was so close to being able to graduate, he decided to make the effort.

It was March 1997, when Biggie Smalls was murdered another inspirational Hip Hop icon to many. It again was a shock, but the way the media portrayed the murder was that it was almost Hip Hop/Gang related and was pretty much written off. Red felt like the media was still looking down at Hip Hop culture as a whole, the total opposite of the way he felt.

With the willingness to change his ways in life, and some added help, as well as a healthy focus to use as a deterent, being Hip Hop & music in general. Although being incarcerated for almost two full years, Red was able to keep his mind from repeating past actions, and to this day will tell anybody that Hip Hop inparticular saved his life. Most people will blow the statement off because of their own opinions, but that fact remains.

By May 1997, Red was about to be released and had to find a place to live, and a way to finish the school year as well. Minor details, so he thought... Probation and no where to live, he had to turn to his old friends, or end up in an after care group home. Red was already anxious to get out and chose the former...

Although Red had plans, and thought his adjustment would take fairly easily, his mind was set on certain goals that may have been unreachable. He took his teachings and tried to reach his old friends, but they shot him down without even a thought. His plans were forced back into idea mode for the moment, he needed to find the right team of people, namely, new friends...

The struggle to get back the years of his adolescense that were most important, set in motion a series of events that would both set back, and create new challenges for a Young Red Brown; however, progress was achievable, as anything was after what he had just been through...

The first thing Red had to do, was to learn how to value his freedom...

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Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 17:  Life of Dreams Vol.3, Is this Real? Mental Fitness?

I think I must have went to court 3 or 4 times in the first couple weeks, with no results... Mainly to set bail and what not.  After four attempts to set bail unsuccessfully, as well as not having anybody willing to bail me out my first lawyer set up some time for me to be evaluated psychiatrically.... So, I went back to holding, to wait some more...

The first month was so active and disappointing, that it could have broke just about anybody... There was a lot of waiting, not knowing, I was given the run around by just about everybody I knew, something was not right...  

The Psych assessments were supposed to take a month, my understanding was that I was going to moved to a new facility,  what really happened was that there was about three days worth of tests, spread out over a months time.  This was very defeating, two days were mainly testing, and sitting in a bare cell for the rest of the day.... every question and answer was analyzed and scrutinized, it made it very hard to speak openly without being judged... 

The final day of the assessments were spent waiting in that empty cell, while all the doctors involved discussed results, I guess... Then I was lead into an office, where in front of me sat about 9 doctors and others taking notes, like court reporters or something...  how many times can  someone be ask the same question "Do you hear voices?" That question til this day, from a doctor makes me want to strangle somebody.... basically, if you don't hear voices, there is nothing wrong with you?  Three days and what seemed like a thousand tests.... for that?

I must have went back to court shortly before Christmas, but I don't think it was for anything other than to find out that I was mentally fit to stand trial... after that day, I never saw a court room for about 3 months... we now had to wait for disclosure, bail was never set, so I never really had a bail hearing, but I also never had anybody to bail me out any way.... so why get my hopes up now?

When I got back to the jail house, we were all shuffled around and I had a new cell mate at the end of the day... with Christmas just around the corner and no knowledge of my future, I was stuck, my life in limbo, but calmer for some reason, I started reading and lifting weights as much as I could, to keep my mind occupied.... The dreams had not stopped, in fact, they had gotten increasingly violent and disturbing, but now not always reoccurring in the same manner...

The was a strike looming for the union workers that ran the jail... tensions were high all the time, but this made things even worse...  

It was late January 1996,  when our range got word that there had been a huge riot down the hall, and more were expected... and the strike was inevitable... the guards were sick of doing their jobs, or wanted more money... some bullshit that affected our lives directly...

About 2 weeks before the strike actually started, a new guy came in and had smuggled something, he was a known crack head to many of the guys and ended up getting jumped by about 12 or so of them.... this lead to us all getting locked down for the rest of the month leading up to the strike...

When the strike eventually kicked in, they shuffled everybody again... it took hours to get in & out of the building for court dates, so many inmates were stuck sitting in court vans that whole time... I didn't have to experience this until sometime in March.

We basically did everything from our cells, we were let out in pairs to make calls or shower, we ate in the cells, etc... this went on from Feb. until Mid-April...

I was still in a state of disbelief, I would wake up some nights think that I was still in a dream, sometimes, it put me in such deep thought, that I believed I was stuck in a coma somewhere and all of my surroundings were part of something bigger, inside my mind...  I was losing my grip on reality, and I had by this point been completely sober for months... It made me wonder how I could be feeling this way and still have been found competent... 

Disclosure came in sometime in March, and my lawyer showed up to go through it with me.  I now had a lawyer, that was being paid through legal aid, but working with my parents... She didn't really believe anything I said because of what she had talked to my parents about, behind my back...  it was a tough night, what I saw in the disclosure... 

I found out who were my friends, and who weren't. What people really thought about me, and the things they said about me regarding the charges... I couldn't believe what I saw, it took a couple hours to go through, it was a thick as a dictionary, but lacked any evidence, photos, etc... it was all statements from people in the neighbourhood.  

When all you have is time, to think, and time to yourself... it really makes you dwell on things... before the end of the night I was placed on suicide watch.  Not really suicidal, just so they could keep an eye on me... I wasn't even able to speak, it was the equivalent of having a whole neighbourhood, rat you out, for lack of a better way to say it...

Having spent a great portion of my time before ending up in jail trying, sincerely, to turn my life around, not that anybody even took notice... I held on to what really cleared my thoughts and kept me in good spirits as much as it could... Hip Hop music was all that kept me together.... 

Now I was torn, between trying to change my life now, at that point, and plotting some kind of revenge, something I wanted so bad some days... 

My Pre-trial was set, and reset about three times before my lawyer decided to plea it out rather than take the case any further... Revenge and anger fuel me through my workouts helping me vent those feelings... 

Hip Hop fueled my positivity, believe it or not... in a way it never had before... it both kept me going, and helped keep my mind off the things that sent my thoughts and dreams into sequences of rage...

The pink walls and enclosed cells, was taking my mental state into the unknown... a place I didn't want to be, but a place that made me survive without even trying very hard, it was a natural feeling, but an unnatural state of mind... I needed balance...  my last court date was coming... 

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 16:  Fear, Self inflicted?

After the police dropped me off at the jail house and welcomed me to my new home, they were on their way and out of my life.... Once the doors were closed behind me something clicked with me very quickly, as my life was about to turn a new corner, change was coming and it was time to adapt.  The only problem was myself, what was going on on my head, the dreams, the thoughts, and now the fear set in....

The fear itself was what really freaked me out, in a way that I had never felt before, or since.... it was something that I liked, but the enjoyment of that fear scared me even more.... it was so surprising to me, in fact.  Sure, I was scared of the situation as a whole, but that wasn't even the biggest fear... I was more afraid of myself and the potential of what I may have to do while incarcerated...

I was convinced that I would have to kill somebody during my time, and I quickly accepted that and was willing to do so... what scared me about that was the consequences of those type of actions, with no where to run or hide... I would have been forced to live with that knowledge out in the open knowing that other people would have known too, for sure.... for example, if one kills their own cell mate, who gets blamed(kind of a no-brainer)

What to do with this feeling?  I wasn't about to tell people about it, it was internalized like non other...  

The first month was by far the most trying, or maybe educational...after the first night, it was understood that the whole place was on overflow, and there was such a lack of space, I along with two or three others had to sleep in a glassed in room outside the actual cell block.... that continued for a few nights, while the days were spent on a cell block where we had no place...  

The conditions of overflow lasted the first weekend, then everybody went to court for bail hearings... many were released, but just as many returned.... My first trip to court in the back of a bus, filled with prisoners.  It was split down the middle, young offenders on one side, adult women on the other side of the wall... The trip to the court house was probably one of my first experiences where I had to make the choice.... 

Kill or be killed?  I thought so, I wanted to, if it came to it, I may have... out of the nine of us chained together I realized just how quickly skin tone came into play when the decision to pick on somebody comes around... being the palest, and most likely the youngest.... I was the one on the end of the chain gang, and it happened that I was the one with both my wrists cuffed, and to the next guy in line... 

The next three guys happened to be in the same crew, two of them real life cousins... the guy next to me, probably just as young, but a little bit darker was told to hit me, and almost on demand he did, on command until I stopped him... that was when the cuffs broke open... and I was out in the open.. two hands free...

You know that rush of adrenaline that you get when you want to hurt somebody in retaliation?  I don't completely remember how the next few minutes went, but I fought back, with more than a few of them, took a few shots... before we knew it we were at the court house and had to figure out how to chain ourselves back together.... 

It was a long day in the holding cells, we were all split into two cells, four in one, five in the other... in cells that were equipments to hold, maybe 2 people each... Picture a strip about 8-9 feet long and 5 feet wide, if that.... a toilet in the corner and a short bench.  I wasn't one to enjoy listening or taking orders from people that I actually like, but what I really hated was people doing as they are told because they are scared... so one by one, these guys told others to attack me... all day... fucking pain in the ass... I was ok with fighting, but when a guy says sorry to me before he starts fighting me, that just pissed me off...

Then it was on the to "leaders" of the day, acting all nice like we was friends, then trying to fight me... I just knew inside that once I grabbed one and started pounding his head in, I was gonna get jumped, so I had to take it in stride and fight one on one, and not back down...

The ride back was not as big of a deal, I somewhat proved myself... and the group was much smaller...  Back at the jail house, still no cell to make a semi-permanent home... it was about three weeks before I was actually moved onto a cell block and into a cell with a bunk, as well as a cell mate... That is where I stayed until my next court appearance, but first was all the psychiatric assessments.... This process took about a month to complete...

In the meantime, I had to deal with the day to day... I was able to get as comfortable as necessary, but I really forced myself not to get used to it...  The first cell mate I had to live with, was older than me, in fact, already an adult prisoner... transfered back to deal with some old charges, he seemed alright... much more relaxed than most of the guys...

The first idea I had was to get in shape, we were able to go out to yard, sometimes to the gym... for the first while, I stayed in my cell while they went outside... it was December, and all we were given were our sweaters... the last thing I wanted was to get sick, and it was already cold enough in the cell to chill our milk on the window ledge...

There was always a few people from the old neighbourhood passing through from time to time, some that I recognized and others I met that knew people that I knew.  I learned the set up of the ranges and where we had to go, I started making phone calls to pass the time, and keep up on news of my case, etc... 

My lawyer, was hired for my bail hearing, and was able to put off the next court date for a month, and schedule to psych stuff... then she quit... a quick buck, on what she said was a hopeless cause, ME.... 

The next month, was time to kill, waiting for a road trip of sorts... lots of time, to think, to stay active, keep my brain occupied... The was many nights where I woke up and had no idea where I was... 

The land of dreams had also become very potent and disturbing, violent and recurring once again, the dream of the day of the fire.... over and over, as If I was actually there... The not knowing was what really got to me.... What really happened?  I never did see it, and there was many nights that I woke up thinking that it didn't happen...

As I killed my time, waiting and watching guys leave and come back, sometimes they were only out for a few days, others a couple weeks... Then it was my turn, to get out, for the day.... only to travel to another secure facility, Psych assessment(s) were meant to find out whether or not I was fit to stand trial....

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 15:  Life of Dreams Vol.2, The REAL Nightmare Begins...

Thinking back to the night of the fire, I see it still so vividly in my mind. I am left to wonder how it got that far beyond my control...  I watch the playback whenever it is mentioned, when ever I think about it, even as a passing thought.... so just imagine how it felt back then.  It was like super slow motion or something...  recording every little detail of the event, of the night, what people said to me, at me, or about me...  the mental pictures are incredibly clear.  It's almost like my own personal 9/11 only years and years before... not so many casualties, but the devastation it caused in so many different ways...

From the moment I heard about the fire, to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I may have still had an ounce of hope.  Hope that maybe somebody would believe my side of the story... When I arrived at the hospital, I was delivered to the police as if to say they all knew me better than I knew myself...

From the moment I arrived at the Hospital ER, and my brother gave me that look at said what he said, I knew what was coming... and I didn't know what to do.  Both of my friends were there and switched on me before I could even say a word.  My parents would not talk to me, only through an officer even sitting in the same room... Everybody was suddenly against me, why was I so surprised at that time in my life?

I had to eat a lot of shit that night, the things people said to me, the cops... The things the cops said to me, I learned very quick to shut my mouth and not say anything...  I was in a serious situation and there was no way out.. I thought of leaving the hospital and had the chance to do so, but I stopped and hesitated and began to internalize everything I had, my emotions, etc. it was the only thing I could think of to keep myself strong in the moment. 

After the Intervention style interrogation at the hospital, my parents left and told me the police just wanted to "talk," and that was the last time I saw them for awhile... the officers took me to the cruiser and stuffed me in the back and laughed at me all the way to the station... they tricked me, and I fell for it.  They took me into custody, at the station is where I spent the next several hours alone in either a room for questioning or a cold cell waiting for the next round of questioning... I don't know for sure how long I was there, they kept me awake for so long, no food or water... it wasn't my first time at the station, but this time they really were trying to break me.  Up until that point, they had usually left me with all my clothes while in holding, they took my shoe laces and belt and wouldn't allow me to have a blanket...

While in Questioning, they threatened me every few minutes when I told them I didn't do it, threatened with beatings and hard time... What they really wanted was a confession, on video they even told me.   When I finally agreed, the gave me a drink and I sat in front of the camera until I finished my drink, then told them again... that I did not do it!

Because it was a Friday, I waited in the holding cell at the station until morning or so... not sure what time it was, when they came to get me the took me to the detention center... for the weekend.  Metro Toronto West Detention, was the holding facility for young offenders at the time.  They welcomed me to my new home, sarcastically, and that was the last time I saw the outside of the building...

I had only been out at that point for a little over a month, and now had graduated to the next level of the jail system.  I was not impressed with my situation at all.  There really was no escape at this point.  I was a very busy weekend at the jail, that same night I was arrested so were another 500 or so young offenders, the place was way over crowded.  It wasn't just a youth jail, it was a women's jail and a adult men's jail as well.  The youth area was just a converted section.  The youth section had a capacity for something around 200, but for that first weekend the population had doubled...

When Monday rolled around it was time to go to court, bail hearings mostly...  A first of many for me, all delayed and never set.  Needless to say I did not make bail.  My family did show up with a lawyer, who charged a retainer and hourly for being there, only to  quit a week later.  My next bail hearing was put off for over a month to determine my mental capacity and fitness to stand trial... So hear came the doctors and the assessments, etc..

It becomes very difficult to follow the path of changing one's ways when someone gets incarcerated along the way... it really makes you think about things and what you may have done differently...  Although I had been involved with a lot of crime, I never had any intention of landing in jail... kind of a dumb way to think about it too... it was probably inevitable, turns out that I was actually a pretty late arrival.  most of the guys I was in there with at the time had already been in and out of jail for years...  This was just winter for many of them...


   

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 14: Mini Biography Vol. 4

This is Volume 2 of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  As the Sauga continues, a Dream come true or a Nightmare turned reality?  Take a read...  

THE Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 
Vol. 2, The Birth (FLAME & ASH)

It was December 8, 1995, a Friday when young Mr. Brown's worst nightmare came true.  As he was preparing with a couple friends to DJ a house party, the news came through a phone call.  His house was on Fire and burning down.... A reoccurring nightmare that became reality was not only a sign, but the beginning of a new era of his life, that would change the way he saw the world forever.

Born from the ash like a Phoenix, Freeze Flame, as came to be known was a vision of the future.  His vision of change from his negative ways, and his total driving force for instituting this idea....  Freeze Flame was a name for later, but a name kept for the proper timing. 

It may not have been known to many at the time, but Red a little over a year earlier had made a conscious decision to cut back and eventually stop what trouble he had caused over the years...  By the time these Reoccurring dreams had started he had become quite obsessed with the Life of Dreams he had been living during this time.  This allowed him to gradually get away from the criminal lifestyle he had previously chosen. 

By the time of this incident, the house fire, Red had more or less effectively removed himself from what crimes he had committed early on, but after quite a turbulent year, most people did not see it that way.... They Only saw one thing, a young troubled kid that continued to getting "caught." 

Red's Focus has turned from street crime long before this incident.  He had taken an interest in Music and Entertainment, and wanted to be a part of an industry that had no idea of who he was.  His Interest had gravitated to Hip Hop Culture and its Music stylings, He lived, breathed, ate, slept the music almost literally.

At a much younger age he had been introduced to the Music known as Rap, but after further research  he found knowledge through Hip Hop Culture, still a relatively ignored aspect of the music in the early 90's.  Red made it the focus of all his attentions, even school took a distant second.  The one rule  Red had chosen for himself was to finish school, High School, at minimum.  At the time, passing was the goal, just passing was the only thing that mattered.  Whether by a mere percentage point or more.

Music on the other hand was another thing entirely, he had to get music, listen to it, learn it... either just know as much as possible about it, memorize lyrics, or write some of his own...  he really had no idea of how to write lyrics, but he was fairly poetic and began at an early age detailing his life's events in a poetic form, through rhymes and somewhat structured verse that came across like riddles.... to most people this type of idea did not make sense.

In the days that preceded the house fire, Red, once again stopped sleeping and took to the streets in an attempt to rid his mind of the occurrence of  these dreams....  they were both disrupting his Life of Dreams, something that he had become sort of attached to, but also his Reality... In one sense, without sleep he was not functioning properly.

He had gone out days before and found a guy that was readying to sell all his stereo equipment, including some audio recording equipment, and turntables, etc... worth a lot of money...  The seller wanted a substantial amount of money, thousands of dollars, but Red was able to get a bargain...  He talked him down to a couple hundred for everything... mainly because the seller had upgraded already and just didn't need the old equipment...

On the day on the fire, Red returned home only to discover his new stash of equipment missing, stolen.... just gone.... it was a devastating setback for the future of young Red, he would have to start all over again.  Equipment that he had bargained for and paid for with his own money.... now, he again had nothing, no money, no equipment.  He later left the house, after him and his father visited the probation officer that Red was assigned at the time, to go help out with the house party.

Little did he know what was about to happen, his Worst Nightmare was about to come to light and set him back from his new found goals for much longer than he would have ever anticipated.  Red, never went back to the house, never was able to see the devastation presented to him in the form of a reoccurring nightmare. He would later regret what he didn't witness in Reality and be forced again, to relive the reoccurring nightmares for months and years to come only to wonder and question; how close, how real, and at times, IF this event even ever really happened....

The house fire, that spawned the Ash that gave birth to the Phoenix, named Freeze Flame... was a true to reality nightmare that crossed the threshold of the Life of Dreams to reveal the bottom of Red's young world, and set him on a path that would take many years, more setbacks, as well as small milestones that would allow the pair(Red Brown & Freeze Flame) to rise from the Ash to take shape...

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 13:  The Irony of Innocence vs. Karma

Upon my release, on October 17, 1995, from my first experience with incarceration I was ask by my mother, where I wanted to go.  I told her home, but I was left to wonder what she meant by that at the time.  Thinking back, I have always believed that it was meant to be more than just a question of driving direction.  It was only too late when I finally realized that it might have made a difference if I had said something else.

We drove back to our neighborhood, and the following day I went back to my same school.  When I arrived in each class, people looked at me like I had been a missing person or something, asking where I had been, and why... When I told them.  I had now been sober for well over a month, and the feeling was new... I was burnt out, and tired.  I felt like the whole thing was a blur, the time in custody had dragged on for some time, but only a month had passed on the outside.  It was almost as if things weren't real anymore, I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew I was walking in reality.

I also finally realized that all my thoughts and efforts to change really had not been enough, maybe I really did need to change everything... the people, the place, myself and my actions, etc.  I went on with my life, now on Probation, as much as possible.  I tried to go to school and catch up, and complete my correspondence course.  All these things presented a challenge to me.  I was going out of my mind, wondering what I should do... in most cases, I just wanted to run away, get on a bus or something and just never come back.

It was probably about a week before I got high again, as soon as I did...  I was calm, but still filled with questions and hopeful images of my own potential.  I remember sitting with a friend on her doorstep talking about everything, she was very surprised at how open I was with her about what I wanted to be doing and where I was stuck.  We sat and talked late into the night, then she said goodnight and went in.  We never again mentioned that talk, but I never forgot it because I think it changed us both, just a little for the better.  I realized that I could communicate my intentions, and she realized there was much more to me than what she had originally thought.

With winter fast approaching, not a sole was outside when she left that night, I wasn't ready to go home... I wondered the neighborhood for quite some time that night, just thinking by myself...  I did want something different, and had no idea how to get there.  As the days and weeks went by, my mind was racing... my life was more complicated, my probation officer was an asshole and threatened me with breach each and every time I went to visit him.  My family, outside my parents wanted nothing to do with me, only based on what they had heard of me, I found that I was wasting my time in school that year, I was just way too far behind and had no idea what was going on.

I was also struggling with my world of dreams, I had been living out a reoccurring dream night after night that was haunting me, and I couldn't control it for the life of me.  Our family's home life was deteriorating with the stress of trying to keep me out of trouble.  My own brother and me, living in the same house at the time were no longer speaking.  Not entirely sure if that was by choice by either of us, or just the family detachment. 

It finally got to a point, where they must have gave up on me, and I stopped going home, I was rarely going to school and if I was I was just hanging out in the halls all day.... my plans to change were completely back firing and landing me in even more problems than I had planned for...

On December 8, 1995 I had been gone for a few days, and was on my way home when a friend stopped me in the street and told me I had been reported missing... So I continued on my way home.  My father was waiting for me and we had a pretty bad argument followed by a trip to my probation Officer, where they both threatened me with breach and a few months in jail, etc.. afterward nothing had changed and my dad dropped me off at home and left for work....

Earlier that week, I had made a deal to buy some Audio Equipment and because I didn't go home I had stashed it in my parent's back yard for a few days.... only to come home and find it was gone, along with the money I had used to pay for it...  I decided not to go into the house, and left the back yard and walked over to a friend's house.  They were getting ready to host a house party as Dj for the night, and invited me to join them in getting ready...

As we finished packing things up for transport, we were taking a break in his kitchen.  They were asking me where I had been and I was explaining as we all heard the roar of sirens and horns racing up the street, the phone rang... another friend had called to tell him, that my house was on Fire...  My friend hung up and looked at me and told me what was going on... We were all in shock...  I had no idea as to what to do, so we continued with our plans.  We all walked to the other guys house, right past my own street...  I couldn't bare to go up, and I realized that everything in my dream was actually taking place.... My jaw dropped at my own realization, and I was unable to speak until much later... I didn't know what to do or where to go... and everybody had already thought or assumed that I had set fire to my own home...

I couldn't get a hold of my parents, I called another friend's house and his father told me to get to the hospital, my brother was there... I needed to then get a ride, and found one with my friend's mother, they both accompanied me.  I went into the ER to find my brother, as he pretty much told me to fuck off, assuming that I had did it too...

My was heart broken, I had spent the last many months staying away from crime absolutely, committing it and  being a part of it.  Still everybody pointed at me, My brother, my parents, our neighbors, my friends, and of course the police.  For the police, they even told me later that night, the solution was easy... they suggested that I just admit to it, take the blame and save them time wasted with an investigation... They told me details, that I have wondered about til this day, how they knew or where they got that info if they had not yet investigated...  They told me about our family pets, and why my brother was in the hospital, details of the scene, and how it was done... and that they had proof it was me...

I didn't say a word, I didn't know what to say... All I could mutter was that it wasn't me, and why would I do this to my own home?  This was before I was actually arrested, it looked like an intervention in a small meeting room at the hospital.  My parents, My friend and her mom, and a couple cops.... nobody cared whether I did it or not, they just blamed me anyway... no matter what I said... 

To this day, I think about that one... it was the day that I was judged, not by a court or by a god... But by each and every person I had known at the time.  I thought It may have been one of the worst days of my life, but the worst was yet to come.... My family chose to abandon me, My so-called friends did too, in other ways.  They chose not to believe me but to believe rumors and stories of people that may or may not have been there.

It was a long time before I could think clearly.  I knew I was innocent, I knew for a fact that I hadn't been there for hours... But I also later realized that I had committed so many other crimes that I had never been caught for or punished.  In this situation, Karma, I feel played a huge part. The police had me right where they wanted for the first time ever, really.... in a real tight spot.  I had never really denied any of my criminal activity, but I never really ever promoted it either... Karma was a muthafucker, and as much as I wanted to change my life, this was the last thing that had crossed my mind...

I didn't know where I was, I felt like I was living in a dream.... and couldn't wake up.  I never did get to see the house after the fire, I have no idea what it really looked like... All I have is a collection of images from a re-occurring dreams months before.... everything was a Haze, and I was literally left with the clothes on my back, and nothing else...

The Change I had been yearning for had come as Violently and as Destructive as anything I could have imagined, now.... that change being so drastic would require a climb out of hell like no other...   

The Change had come, now redemption, evolution, realization, growth, focus and drive, etc... were things I needed to find...

 

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 12:  Mini Biography, Vol 3.,

This is Volume 3 of the Mini Biography Series.  This happens to be the first volume, known as the Prequel, of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  Detailing the events that lead up to the event to which Freeze Flame takes it name.  Some what of a birth of a new entity, and a change in a young man that would last a lifetime.

The Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 
 Vol.1, The Prequel

It was the early-mid 90's, an unknown young Kid at the time, Red Brown had taken a very keen interest in Music, among other things.  During these secondary activities, Red would develop a taste for marijuana, in particular.  His musical interests more or less focused on Hip Hop Culture and the music related.  He found himself profoundly relating to some of the story lines portrayed within these Raps & Rhymes... He saw it as a form of poetry with a street smart vision that he had become accustomed to over recent years.  Poetry from the streets, Rhyme schemes formed, somewhat, into riddles and well thought out stories of one's past adventures and tribulations in a life filled with struggle.

Unlike many, Young Red, saw this a positive form of expression... Where many others heard the glorification of guns, drugs, and violence.  Other people heard the language being used, a lot of cursing, and completely tuned out the message as a whole.  Upon finding a focus, in an artistic form of poetry made for people who could relate, brought a spark to Red's mind, an idea of how to change his own life.  Make a change in his life, and bring a more positive outlook for his future possibilities.

Although Red's mind was hazy and distorted, his idea made much sense to him and started to plan and structure his ideas.  One main Idea was to build a company, from the ground up... In a sense from nothing.  That was part of another idea, is that he would have to do this in a way that would give himself credibility.  Red's family was in no way rich, but didn't have enough money to fund an idea such as this.  This left only one choice that he knew of, an idea of how to raise the necessary funds to undertake a project of this size.

Red's focus again shifted, he thought that maybe he could first construct a criminal empire that would make enough money, and then later switch over to making money legitimately.  His ideas were straying  and losing focus, but the concept as a whole remained intact.  He always had a knack for writing, considered good at it by teachers, and family members.. He found creative ways to stay focused on his idea, now a goal of his.  He eventually decided against transforming a criminal empire because the people he thought of as friends were not quite as ambitious or hopeful. 

The main focus was on Music, in what sense, he did not yet know.   He turned to his dreams for guidance, as many people in his reality were not as supportive of these types of business ventures.  Red had been a big dreamer, with such detailed and vivid dreams... He lost touch with what could be and what really was.  He could distinguish the two, but at times... His dreams presented visions, in a sense, of the potential of his own mind...

Red continued writing, and taking down notes about the things he had seen in his dreams, he had an interest in film making as well.  His family had bought a camcorder at some point, so he was given access to the use of it.... During free time, he would experiment with certain ways of making films using household items and stop motion animation, this way he didn't see it necessary to make himself the primary focus in these little side projects.  The creative, it seemed it where he excelled and was most vocal.

It wasn't until early 1995, when he was shown a future uncertain and quite frightening to him.  He continued to pursue his ideas and goals, and genuinely tried to cut down on his criminal activities.  Over the span of a few weeks time, Red was trying to name his company in an attempt to make it more of a reality even if only for himself.  Again, He turned to his dreams... as he was fairly used to having vivid spiritually dreams that presented to him many forms of symbolism, such as choices and directions in life.  He wanted to choose a path that would take him away from crime, but also one where he didn't  have to hide it from the world as a past shame.

One night after a long week of partying and drinking, etc. Red chose to go home, and take some time to himself, get some sleep, etc...  Red had previously found a method of making his dreams even more Lucid... He wanted mainly to be able to remember them clearly when he awoke.  He found that if he played music in his sleep, or through headphones wrapped around his skull, that his dreams became very realistic and he was also able to remember them much more clearly.  He had started doing this months before, when he received a small stereo system as a gift.  And using his skills began to collect some music that he had taken an interest in.

On this particular night, Red went through with his plans to gain some rest and alone time... Upon doing so, he went to sleep and began to live the Life of Dreams once more, a regular occurrence, but not always in a controlled setting. 

This night was the beginning of the idea of being able to work in the music industry, but it was also the beginning of the end of his Criminal ways in life.  What he saw within his dream world, was not a new dream.... But a vision of a reality yet to present itself...

It was devastatingly overwhelming, it both gave Young Red an idea for a name, but also an overwhelming feeling of desperation to change his life's path as quickly as possible.   Easier said than done... His vision repeated night after night, until he saw the final product from start to finish... What he saw within his vision was the destruction of his family home in a violent fire.... as well as a small chunk of the aftermath of such a catastrophic event...

The vision became Red's fear, and he began attempting to alter his Dream Life patterns, to see if such changes would affect the outcome.  His Life of Dreams became consumed with this new force, no matter what he did, Red seemed to be trapped in the same outcome.  

Red did what he could to just not sleep, as often as possible...  Focusing more on what he could do to alter his reality, his path in life, and choices that affected these aspects.  His love for the music took over his life, he did everything he could to be a part of it, mainly writing his own story....     

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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 11:  Choices Vol. 3, A turbulent '95

Moving forward in my young life, was harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Speaking of Environment preventing change, 1995 came along without even a glimpse of reality.  I was losing control of my Life of Dreams, and my reality... It got to a point at times to the two were so similar and closely linked that it melded together and I could not tell the difference.  This was the first winter that my drug use carried over into the hockey season, a choice I had simply forgotten about, I suppose...

1995, was the year that started a noticeable pattern, in my life as well as in the neighborhood's infinite cycle... As I came out of my winter hibernation (crime spree), I was still playing hockey, little did I know this was my last season. I was in the second semester at school, third suspension in two years, going on fourth.

I still treated school quite like a joke, as I could show up or not, and still pass the classes...  Example, My grade 10 math class... I hated the teacher, he was worth cutting open... I showed for 17 classes and my exam... my final mark was self imposed 24 percent or something close to that.  17 for my appearances, and I guess the remainder for showing up to the exam and maybe getting some answers right...

As spring break rolled around I was once again suspended, this time the second last day before spring break, so I again had two weeks off...  they were doing construction on a small office near my locker, I found a really nice nail gun, semi-automatic... thing was crazy.

In those first two weeks off, I was out on my own at all hours... by this time in my life, I more or less had just stopped going home, instead of sneaking out.  I was able to go home when my parents were at work, but they could not keep up with me anymore and I found it better that they didn't know what I was up to... thinking they would worry less in that sense.  I doubt  I was right, but I didn't want them to really know what I was doing out there in the streets, or have that knowledge to burden themselves with...regardless they were going through hell, simply just not knowing where I was... 

As the regular season neared its end, I started missing practices, and almost games sometimes... The games were getting rougher and rougher, tournaments were like fight club or something... bench clearing brawls and everything....  we made the play offs too...

Outside of Hockey, April 1, 1995.... was a date that sent my life tail spinning... not sure what day it was, but we were partying like any other day, but because of all the trouble we had caused in recent times we were forced to stay outside... taking it into building lobbies and such... this night was like any other until a friend's parents came out screaming, drunk and ready to fight... for some reason.  I was first confronted by the Mother, threatened and what not, when she closed in on my personal space I could smell the liquor and told her to back up.... when she didn't I made the mistake pushing her away- Palm2forehead....

Then the boyfriend grabbed me by the back of my collar and hauled me away... yelling and threatening.... I told him to let me go a few times, not in quite the nicest of ways... But when he kept choking me I took a swing and dropped him ONE-Time....  When they called the cops, I ran.... for about 2 days then I went home for a nap...

My parents had no knowledge of the incident until I was arrested later that week, soon after I emerged from hiding...  I was released on a promise to appear, and I was again back at square one, with regards to changing my ways.  It seemed that the more I thought about making changes, the less actually happened to allow me to do so...

Around the same time, my hockey team was already in playoffs, my parents allowed me play with the hope that it would keep me out of trouble... We were in a series maybe mid way through... quarters or semis, not sure.... at the end of the game, one of their players having a clear size advantage on me, decided to cross check me in the throat... very accurately hitting my Adam's Apple... I fell choking, and struggling to get air.... I don't know how I got up, but I did.. chased him, jumped on him and started pounding as hard as could, his helmet came off and blood was spilled... as his teammate jumped on me, and one of mine then jumped that guy... the fight escalated to a negative point.

That was my last game in the Mississauga Hockey League, I was given a suspension after a hearing that carried over to any season that I played next.  I wasn't allowed to play in a game until Jan. 1st of the next season I played (Half the season), this prevented me from making every team I tried out for....

Before the end of the school year, I was suspended at least once more for skipping class(Genius idea), then afterward put on some kind of attendance monitoring where I learned how to forge signatures of all my teachers, nice... but sooo wrong....  After awhile, I even talked to my VP... in maybe my first conscious attempt to better my behavior I told him that I would finish the school year and attend my classes without monitoring.... but not telling him about the forging.

As summer 1995 began I believed myself to be altering my life's path.  Not sure where I got that idea, however, I did make attempts....  But I had to complete summer school for the first time which I slept through to a passing grade;  I also had stopped playing baseball after the previous season, that left me with a lot of free time.  I was offered a place as an assistant coach for a baseball team, in a much younger age group, I took it thinking I could do it and keep myself out of trouble and stay away from distractions...

Maybe I tried too hard all at once, with all my obligations I think I was a bit overwhelmed with the structure... because all the partying continued as well as the drug use... my all night long hours really conflicted with the daytime structured activities and obligations which soon came to an end, unfortunately, without even a second thought or a care in the world.... in all my attempts to change, my point of view of the world probably needed the most adjustment.

As the summer progressed, they were tearing apart the neighborhood catholic elementary... I saw the machinery and had an idea, the Bobcats used to move all manner of materials were being operated by workers that were drinking almost constantly while they worked... I took notice, and also noticed they left the keys in after they left for the day.... interesting?

After some convincing, I talked a friend into helping me, because there was 2 machines, into getting them started one night and seeing what we could do with them... Work gloves in hand and all, we tried to get them started... finally figuring it out, we started driving them around the immediate parking lot learning the operations & controls.... them moved on to our own construction projects... sort of...

I was initially going to drive through the main school, but decided to tear up a portable instead...  that was kind of fun... we went on to rip stuff out of the ground for a while before the police showed up on scene & gave chase... I saw them late, my friend was already gone when I saw him running, they were already on my ass...  I got out and ran... they gave chase on foot, tackled me real hard face first into gravel or sand or something.... cuffed me and dragged me by the chain back to the cruiser at the other side of the park and proceeded to beat me for longer than I can remember... KO'd a couple times, blacked out a couple more... not sure if they knew or just kept beating me the whole time... Cops are unbelievably good at not leaving bruises & inflicting maximum pain...

With my last charges still outstanding, I was released on bail with pretty much house arrest & non-association conditions, they told my friend that I gave him up.... bullshit! 

These conditions were so strict, I was in violation almost every minute of the day... even when I was trying to be good... police would be knocking down our door... I was trying to stay out of trouble so much that I didn't have time for much else, I had to hide just taking my dog for a walk...

Around Labor Day weekend, give or take, 2 girls from the neighborhood, started a beef over the phone one afternoon.... resulting in one of the largest neighborhood fight preparations I had seen, at that time at least... gathering for hours and waiting til late, It ended with a lot less violence than expected, but half the police department showed up after being tipped off by somebody.... keep in mind this was still back when people chose to use their fists as weapons, even when blades and stuff were still present and available...

During the first week of school, friends joked with me that I wasn't in jail...  I was surprised as well, joking back saying, "you never know, maybe next week..." little did I know.

I had been a rough year to that point, as much as I wanted to, and thought of ways to change, they just never got implemented very well.  There was always something getting in the way and blocking that path for me... My environment at that time in my life was one of destruction and violence, both self inflicted and upon others.  My hand was forced on a number of occasions where I was only given options that would have made the situation worse, I had to choose the lesser or a degree there of...

Crime and Violence was a way of life for me back then and the choices I made eventually lead to clearer decision making down the road, but it also made me cold... for a long time I did not acknowledge feelings inside me, that to this day, I think might have saved me earlier...

My first bid came from an event that took place on a Sunday morning/afternoon... while I was with friends including my recent co-accused, drinking where we normally played basketball... the court was filled with cars because of the neighboring church.  We decided to play anyway... around the cars, on the cars, over the cars... no damage was done, but some old guys playing Tennis heard glass break and tried to make a citizens arrest... so I took off after one them tried to restrain me with his tennis racket... surprisingly that was never mentioned, he let me go when I threatened to hit him... he happened to have a pace maker...

We were both arrested and spent a bit of time in open custody (a group home) because we were youths, but in separate places because of the bail conditions...  now with three sets of unresolved charges... and no idea what was going to happen... Can't recall what happened to him, I think he was released on time served after a couple weeks, I got time served plus another month and probation... just in time for my 16th birthday...

I was released in October 1995, only to realize that nothing was going to change...  My mother even asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to change, but we went back home, to the same house, in the same neighborhood... and I went back to the same school with the same group of friends... although that matter was resolved, I still had the assault charges from earlier in the year to deal with.  My dad begged relatives to take me in, all across the country with very little success...

Things just got worse when I wasn't able to make a team the next hockey season, way too much free time, but I think I played my second year of football that fall...  just another attempt to stay out of trouble, but football is a fairly short season...  November was catch up at school... I was doing courses from two different schools because the group home had its own teacher and school on the property, all the courses were correspondence, so I was able to take it home with me...

Where was I headed?  How do I change it?  It  takes a lot more than just an idea, or the want to...
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