Freeze Flame Productions Inc

Friday, September 24, 2010

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 15:  Life of Dreams Vol.2, The REAL Nightmare Begins...



Thinking back to the night of the fire, I see it still so vividly in my mind. I am left to wonder how it got that far beyond my control...  I watch the playback whenever it is mentioned, when ever I think about it, even as a passing thought.... so just imagine how it felt back then.  It was like super slow motion or something...  recording every little detail of the event, of the night, what people said to me, at me, or about me...  the mental pictures are incredibly clear.  It's almost like my own personal 9/11 only years and years before... not so many casualties, but the devastation it caused in so many different ways...

From the moment I heard about the fire, to the moment I arrived at the hospital, I may have still had an ounce of hope.  Hope that maybe somebody would believe my side of the story... When I arrived at the hospital, I was delivered to the police as if to say they all knew me better than I knew myself...

From the moment I arrived at the Hospital ER, and my brother gave me that look at said what he said, I knew what was coming... and I didn't know what to do.  Both of my friends were there and switched on me before I could even say a word.  My parents would not talk to me, only through an officer even sitting in the same room... Everybody was suddenly against me, why was I so surprised at that time in my life?

I had to eat a lot of shit that night, the things people said to me, the cops... The things the cops said to me, I learned very quick to shut my mouth and not say anything...  I was in a serious situation and there was no way out.. I thought of leaving the hospital and had the chance to do so, but I stopped and hesitated and began to internalize everything I had, my emotions, etc. it was the only thing I could think of to keep myself strong in the moment. 

After the Intervention style interrogation at the hospital, my parents left and told me the police just wanted to "talk," and that was the last time I saw them for awhile... the officers took me to the cruiser and stuffed me in the back and laughed at me all the way to the station... they tricked me, and I fell for it.  They took me into custody, at the station is where I spent the next several hours alone in either a room for questioning or a cold cell waiting for the next round of questioning... I don't know for sure how long I was there, they kept me awake for so long, no food or water... it wasn't my first time at the station, but this time they really were trying to break me.  Up until that point, they had usually left me with all my clothes while in holding, they took my shoe laces and belt and wouldn't allow me to have a blanket...

While in Questioning, they threatened me every few minutes when I told them I didn't do it, threatened with beatings and hard time... What they really wanted was a confession, on video they even told me.   When I finally agreed, the gave me a drink and I sat in front of the camera until I finished my drink, then told them again... that I did not do it!

Because it was a Friday, I waited in the holding cell at the station until morning or so... not sure what time it was, when they came to get me the took me to the detention center... for the weekend.  Metro Toronto West Detention, was the holding facility for young offenders at the time.  They welcomed me to my new home, sarcastically, and that was the last time I saw the outside of the building...

I had only been out at that point for a little over a month, and now had graduated to the next level of the jail system.  I was not impressed with my situation at all.  There really was no escape at this point.  I was a very busy weekend at the jail, that same night I was arrested so were another 500 or so young offenders, the place was way over crowded.  It wasn't just a youth jail, it was a women's jail and a adult men's jail as well.  The youth area was just a converted section.  The youth section had a capacity for something around 200, but for that first weekend the population had doubled...

When Monday rolled around it was time to go to court, bail hearings mostly...  A first of many for me, all delayed and never set.  Needless to say I did not make bail.  My family did show up with a lawyer, who charged a retainer and hourly for being there, only to  quit a week later.  My next bail hearing was put off for over a month to determine my mental capacity and fitness to stand trial... So hear came the doctors and the assessments, etc..

It becomes very difficult to follow the path of changing one's ways when someone gets incarcerated along the way... it really makes you think about things and what you may have done differently...  Although I had been involved with a lot of crime, I never had any intention of landing in jail... kind of a dumb way to think about it too... it was probably inevitable, turns out that I was actually a pretty late arrival.  most of the guys I was in there with at the time had already been in and out of jail for years...  This was just winter for many of them...


   

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 14: Mini Biography Vol. 4

This is Volume 2 of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  As the Sauga continues, a Dream come true or a Nightmare turned reality?  Take a read...  



THE Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 
Vol. 2, The Birth (FLAME & ASH)


It was December 8, 1995, a Friday when young Mr. Brown's worst nightmare came true.  As he was preparing with a couple friends to DJ a house party, the news came through a phone call.  His house was on Fire and burning down.... A reoccurring nightmare that became reality was not only a sign, but the beginning of a new era of his life, that would change the way he saw the world forever.

Born from the ash like a Phoenix, Freeze Flame, as came to be known was a vision of the future.  His vision of change from his negative ways, and his total driving force for instituting this idea....  Freeze Flame was a name for later, but a name kept for the proper timing. 

It may not have been known to many at the time, but Red a little over a year earlier had made a conscious decision to cut back and eventually stop what trouble he had caused over the years...  By the time these Reoccurring dreams had started he had become quite obsessed with the Life of Dreams he had been living during this time.  This allowed him to gradually get away from the criminal lifestyle he had previously chosen. 

By the time of this incident, the house fire, Red had more or less effectively removed himself from what crimes he had committed early on, but after quite a turbulent year, most people did not see it that way.... They Only saw one thing, a young troubled kid that continued to getting "caught." 

Red's Focus has turned from street crime long before this incident.  He had taken an interest in Music and Entertainment, and wanted to be a part of an industry that had no idea of who he was.  His Interest had gravitated to Hip Hop Culture and its Music stylings, He lived, breathed, ate, slept the music almost literally.

At a much younger age he had been introduced to the Music known as Rap, but after further research  he found knowledge through Hip Hop Culture, still a relatively ignored aspect of the music in the early 90's.  Red made it the focus of all his attentions, even school took a distant second.  The one rule  Red had chosen for himself was to finish school, High School, at minimum.  At the time, passing was the goal, just passing was the only thing that mattered.  Whether by a mere percentage point or more.

Music on the other hand was another thing entirely, he had to get music, listen to it, learn it... either just know as much as possible about it, memorize lyrics, or write some of his own...  he really had no idea of how to write lyrics, but he was fairly poetic and began at an early age detailing his life's events in a poetic form, through rhymes and somewhat structured verse that came across like riddles.... to most people this type of idea did not make sense.

In the days that preceded the house fire, Red, once again stopped sleeping and took to the streets in an attempt to rid his mind of the occurrence of  these dreams....  they were both disrupting his Life of Dreams, something that he had become sort of attached to, but also his Reality... In one sense, without sleep he was not functioning properly.

He had gone out days before and found a guy that was readying to sell all his stereo equipment, including some audio recording equipment, and turntables, etc... worth a lot of money...  The seller wanted a substantial amount of money, thousands of dollars, but Red was able to get a bargain...  He talked him down to a couple hundred for everything... mainly because the seller had upgraded already and just didn't need the old equipment...

On the day on the fire, Red returned home only to discover his new stash of equipment missing, stolen.... just gone.... it was a devastating setback for the future of young Red, he would have to start all over again.  Equipment that he had bargained for and paid for with his own money.... now, he again had nothing, no money, no equipment.  He later left the house, after him and his father visited the probation officer that Red was assigned at the time, to go help out with the house party.

Little did he know what was about to happen, his Worst Nightmare was about to come to light and set him back from his new found goals for much longer than he would have ever anticipated.  Red, never went back to the house, never was able to see the devastation presented to him in the form of a reoccurring nightmare. He would later regret what he didn't witness in Reality and be forced again, to relive the reoccurring nightmares for months and years to come only to wonder and question; how close, how real, and at times, IF this event even ever really happened....

The house fire, that spawned the Ash that gave birth to the Phoenix, named Freeze Flame... was a true to reality nightmare that crossed the threshold of the Life of Dreams to reveal the bottom of Red's young world, and set him on a path that would take many years, more setbacks, as well as small milestones that would allow the pair(Red Brown & Freeze Flame) to rise from the Ash to take shape...

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Monday, September 13, 2010

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

Part 13:  The Irony of Innocence vs. Karma



Upon my release, on October 17, 1995, from my first experience with incarceration I was ask by my mother, where I wanted to go.  I told her home, but I was left to wonder what she meant by that at the time.  Thinking back, I have always believed that it was meant to be more than just a question of driving direction.  It was only too late when I finally realized that it might have made a difference if I had said something else.

We drove back to our neighborhood, and the following day I went back to my same school.  When I arrived in each class, people looked at me like I had been a missing person or something, asking where I had been, and why... When I told them.  I had now been sober for well over a month, and the feeling was new... I was burnt out, and tired.  I felt like the whole thing was a blur, the time in custody had dragged on for some time, but only a month had passed on the outside.  It was almost as if things weren't real anymore, I felt like I was dreaming, but I knew I was walking in reality.

I also finally realized that all my thoughts and efforts to change really had not been enough, maybe I really did need to change everything... the people, the place, myself and my actions, etc.  I went on with my life, now on Probation, as much as possible.  I tried to go to school and catch up, and complete my correspondence course.  All these things presented a challenge to me.  I was going out of my mind, wondering what I should do... in most cases, I just wanted to run away, get on a bus or something and just never come back.

It was probably about a week before I got high again, as soon as I did...  I was calm, but still filled with questions and hopeful images of my own potential.  I remember sitting with a friend on her doorstep talking about everything, she was very surprised at how open I was with her about what I wanted to be doing and where I was stuck.  We sat and talked late into the night, then she said goodnight and went in.  We never again mentioned that talk, but I never forgot it because I think it changed us both, just a little for the better.  I realized that I could communicate my intentions, and she realized there was much more to me than what she had originally thought.

With winter fast approaching, not a sole was outside when she left that night, I wasn't ready to go home... I wondered the neighborhood for quite some time that night, just thinking by myself...  I did want something different, and had no idea how to get there.  As the days and weeks went by, my mind was racing... my life was more complicated, my probation officer was an asshole and threatened me with breach each and every time I went to visit him.  My family, outside my parents wanted nothing to do with me, only based on what they had heard of me, I found that I was wasting my time in school that year, I was just way too far behind and had no idea what was going on.

I was also struggling with my world of dreams, I had been living out a reoccurring dream night after night that was haunting me, and I couldn't control it for the life of me.  Our family's home life was deteriorating with the stress of trying to keep me out of trouble.  My own brother and me, living in the same house at the time were no longer speaking.  Not entirely sure if that was by choice by either of us, or just the family detachment. 

It finally got to a point, where they must have gave up on me, and I stopped going home, I was rarely going to school and if I was I was just hanging out in the halls all day.... my plans to change were completely back firing and landing me in even more problems than I had planned for...

On December 8, 1995 I had been gone for a few days, and was on my way home when a friend stopped me in the street and told me I had been reported missing... So I continued on my way home.  My father was waiting for me and we had a pretty bad argument followed by a trip to my probation Officer, where they both threatened me with breach and a few months in jail, etc.. afterward nothing had changed and my dad dropped me off at home and left for work....

Earlier that week, I had made a deal to buy some Audio Equipment and because I didn't go home I had stashed it in my parent's back yard for a few days.... only to come home and find it was gone, along with the money I had used to pay for it...  I decided not to go into the house, and left the back yard and walked over to a friend's house.  They were getting ready to host a house party as Dj for the night, and invited me to join them in getting ready...

As we finished packing things up for transport, we were taking a break in his kitchen.  They were asking me where I had been and I was explaining as we all heard the roar of sirens and horns racing up the street, the phone rang... another friend had called to tell him, that my house was on Fire...  My friend hung up and looked at me and told me what was going on... We were all in shock...  I had no idea as to what to do, so we continued with our plans.  We all walked to the other guys house, right past my own street...  I couldn't bare to go up, and I realized that everything in my dream was actually taking place.... My jaw dropped at my own realization, and I was unable to speak until much later... I didn't know what to do or where to go... and everybody had already thought or assumed that I had set fire to my own home...

I couldn't get a hold of my parents, I called another friend's house and his father told me to get to the hospital, my brother was there... I needed to then get a ride, and found one with my friend's mother, they both accompanied me.  I went into the ER to find my brother, as he pretty much told me to fuck off, assuming that I had did it too...

My was heart broken, I had spent the last many months staying away from crime absolutely, committing it and  being a part of it.  Still everybody pointed at me, My brother, my parents, our neighbors, my friends, and of course the police.  For the police, they even told me later that night, the solution was easy... they suggested that I just admit to it, take the blame and save them time wasted with an investigation... They told me details, that I have wondered about til this day, how they knew or where they got that info if they had not yet investigated...  They told me about our family pets, and why my brother was in the hospital, details of the scene, and how it was done... and that they had proof it was me...

I didn't say a word, I didn't know what to say... All I could mutter was that it wasn't me, and why would I do this to my own home?  This was before I was actually arrested, it looked like an intervention in a small meeting room at the hospital.  My parents, My friend and her mom, and a couple cops.... nobody cared whether I did it or not, they just blamed me anyway... no matter what I said... 

To this day, I think about that one... it was the day that I was judged, not by a court or by a god... But by each and every person I had known at the time.  I thought It may have been one of the worst days of my life, but the worst was yet to come.... My family chose to abandon me, My so-called friends did too, in other ways.  They chose not to believe me but to believe rumors and stories of people that may or may not have been there.

It was a long time before I could think clearly.  I knew I was innocent, I knew for a fact that I hadn't been there for hours... But I also later realized that I had committed so many other crimes that I had never been caught for or punished.  In this situation, Karma, I feel played a huge part. The police had me right where they wanted for the first time ever, really.... in a real tight spot.  I had never really denied any of my criminal activity, but I never really ever promoted it either... Karma was a muthafucker, and as much as I wanted to change my life, this was the last thing that had crossed my mind...

I didn't know where I was, I felt like I was living in a dream.... and couldn't wake up.  I never did get to see the house after the fire, I have no idea what it really looked like... All I have is a collection of images from a re-occurring dreams months before.... everything was a Haze, and I was literally left with the clothes on my back, and nothing else...

The Change I had been yearning for had come as Violently and as Destructive as anything I could have imagined, now.... that change being so drastic would require a climb out of hell like no other...   

The Change had come, now redemption, evolution, realization, growth, focus and drive, etc... were things I needed to find...

 


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Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls


PART 12:  Mini Biography, Vol 3.,

This is Volume 3 of the Mini Biography Series.  This happens to be the first volume, known as the Prequel, of the Auto Biography of Freeze Flame.  Detailing the events that lead up to the event to which Freeze Flame takes it name.  Some what of a birth of a new entity, and a change in a young man that would last a lifetime.





The Auto-Biography of Freeze Flame: 

 Vol.1, The Prequel


It was the early-mid 90's, an unknown young Kid at the time, Red Brown had taken a very keen interest in Music, among other things.  During these secondary activities, Red would develop a taste for marijuana, in particular.  His musical interests more or less focused on Hip Hop Culture and the music related.  He found himself profoundly relating to some of the story lines portrayed within these Raps & Rhymes... He saw it as a form of poetry with a street smart vision that he had become accustomed to over recent years.  Poetry from the streets, Rhyme schemes formed, somewhat, into riddles and well thought out stories of one's past adventures and tribulations in a life filled with struggle.

Unlike many, Young Red, saw this a positive form of expression... Where many others heard the glorification of guns, drugs, and violence.  Other people heard the language being used, a lot of cursing, and completely tuned out the message as a whole.  Upon finding a focus, in an artistic form of poetry made for people who could relate, brought a spark to Red's mind, an idea of how to change his own life.  Make a change in his life, and bring a more positive outlook for his future possibilities.

Although Red's mind was hazy and distorted, his idea made much sense to him and started to plan and structure his ideas.  One main Idea was to build a company, from the ground up... In a sense from nothing.  That was part of another idea, is that he would have to do this in a way that would give himself credibility.  Red's family was in no way rich, but didn't have enough money to fund an idea such as this.  This left only one choice that he knew of, an idea of how to raise the necessary funds to undertake a project of this size.

Red's focus again shifted, he thought that maybe he could first construct a criminal empire that would make enough money, and then later switch over to making money legitimately.  His ideas were straying  and losing focus, but the concept as a whole remained intact.  He always had a knack for writing, considered good at it by teachers, and family members.. He found creative ways to stay focused on his idea, now a goal of his.  He eventually decided against transforming a criminal empire because the people he thought of as friends were not quite as ambitious or hopeful. 

The main focus was on Music, in what sense, he did not yet know.   He turned to his dreams for guidance, as many people in his reality were not as supportive of these types of business ventures.  Red had been a big dreamer, with such detailed and vivid dreams... He lost touch with what could be and what really was.  He could distinguish the two, but at times... His dreams presented visions, in a sense, of the potential of his own mind...

Red continued writing, and taking down notes about the things he had seen in his dreams, he had an interest in film making as well.  His family had bought a camcorder at some point, so he was given access to the use of it.... During free time, he would experiment with certain ways of making films using household items and stop motion animation, this way he didn't see it necessary to make himself the primary focus in these little side projects.  The creative, it seemed it where he excelled and was most vocal.

It wasn't until early 1995, when he was shown a future uncertain and quite frightening to him.  He continued to pursue his ideas and goals, and genuinely tried to cut down on his criminal activities.  Over the span of a few weeks time, Red was trying to name his company in an attempt to make it more of a reality even if only for himself.  Again, He turned to his dreams... as he was fairly used to having vivid spiritually dreams that presented to him many forms of symbolism, such as choices and directions in life.  He wanted to choose a path that would take him away from crime, but also one where he didn't  have to hide it from the world as a past shame.

One night after a long week of partying and drinking, etc. Red chose to go home, and take some time to himself, get some sleep, etc...  Red had previously found a method of making his dreams even more Lucid... He wanted mainly to be able to remember them clearly when he awoke.  He found that if he played music in his sleep, or through headphones wrapped around his skull, that his dreams became very realistic and he was also able to remember them much more clearly.  He had started doing this months before, when he received a small stereo system as a gift.  And using his skills began to collect some music that he had taken an interest in.

On this particular night, Red went through with his plans to gain some rest and alone time... Upon doing so, he went to sleep and began to live the Life of Dreams once more, a regular occurrence, but not always in a controlled setting. 

This night was the beginning of the idea of being able to work in the music industry, but it was also the beginning of the end of his Criminal ways in life.  What he saw within his dream world, was not a new dream.... But a vision of a reality yet to present itself...

It was devastatingly overwhelming, it both gave Young Red an idea for a name, but also an overwhelming feeling of desperation to change his life's path as quickly as possible.   Easier said than done... His vision repeated night after night, until he saw the final product from start to finish... What he saw within his vision was the destruction of his family home in a violent fire.... as well as a small chunk of the aftermath of such a catastrophic event...

The vision became Red's fear, and he began attempting to alter his Dream Life patterns, to see if such changes would affect the outcome.  His Life of Dreams became consumed with this new force, no matter what he did, Red seemed to be trapped in the same outcome.  

Red did what he could to just not sleep, as often as possible...  Focusing more on what he could do to alter his reality, his path in life, and choices that affected these aspects.  His love for the music took over his life, he did everything he could to be a part of it, mainly writing his own story....     

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Saturday, September 4, 2010

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 11:  Choices Vol. 3, A turbulent '95

Moving forward in my young life, was harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Speaking of Environment preventing change, 1995 came along without even a glimpse of reality.  I was losing control of my Life of Dreams, and my reality... It got to a point at times to the two were so similar and closely linked that it melded together and I could not tell the difference.  This was the first winter that my drug use carried over into the hockey season, a choice I had simply forgotten about, I suppose...

1995, was the year that started a noticeable pattern, in my life as well as in the neighborhood's infinite cycle... As I came out of my winter hibernation (crime spree), I was still playing hockey, little did I know this was my last season. I was in the second semester at school, third suspension in two years, going on fourth.

I still treated school quite like a joke, as I could show up or not, and still pass the classes...  Example, My grade 10 math class... I hated the teacher, he was worth cutting open... I showed for 17 classes and my exam... my final mark was self imposed 24 percent or something close to that.  17 for my appearances, and I guess the remainder for showing up to the exam and maybe getting some answers right...

As spring break rolled around I was once again suspended, this time the second last day before spring break, so I again had two weeks off...  they were doing construction on a small office near my locker, I found a really nice nail gun, semi-automatic... thing was crazy.

In those first two weeks off, I was out on my own at all hours... by this time in my life, I more or less had just stopped going home, instead of sneaking out.  I was able to go home when my parents were at work, but they could not keep up with me anymore and I found it better that they didn't know what I was up to... thinking they would worry less in that sense.  I doubt  I was right, but I didn't want them to really know what I was doing out there in the streets, or have that knowledge to burden themselves with...regardless they were going through hell, simply just not knowing where I was... 

As the regular season neared its end, I started missing practices, and almost games sometimes... The games were getting rougher and rougher, tournaments were like fight club or something... bench clearing brawls and everything....  we made the play offs too...

Outside of Hockey, April 1, 1995.... was a date that sent my life tail spinning... not sure what day it was, but we were partying like any other day, but because of all the trouble we had caused in recent times we were forced to stay outside... taking it into building lobbies and such... this night was like any other until a friend's parents came out screaming, drunk and ready to fight... for some reason.  I was first confronted by the Mother, threatened and what not, when she closed in on my personal space I could smell the liquor and told her to back up.... when she didn't I made the mistake pushing her away- Palm2forehead....

Then the boyfriend grabbed me by the back of my collar and hauled me away... yelling and threatening.... I told him to let me go a few times, not in quite the nicest of ways... But when he kept choking me I took a swing and dropped him ONE-Time....  When they called the cops, I ran.... for about 2 days then I went home for a nap...

My parents had no knowledge of the incident until I was arrested later that week, soon after I emerged from hiding...  I was released on a promise to appear, and I was again back at square one, with regards to changing my ways.  It seemed that the more I thought about making changes, the less actually happened to allow me to do so...

Around the same time, my hockey team was already in playoffs, my parents allowed me play with the hope that it would keep me out of trouble... We were in a series maybe mid way through... quarters or semis, not sure.... at the end of the game, one of their players having a clear size advantage on me, decided to cross check me in the throat... very accurately hitting my Adam's Apple... I fell choking, and struggling to get air.... I don't know how I got up, but I did.. chased him, jumped on him and started pounding as hard as could, his helmet came off and blood was spilled... as his teammate jumped on me, and one of mine then jumped that guy... the fight escalated to a negative point.

That was my last game in the Mississauga Hockey League, I was given a suspension after a hearing that carried over to any season that I played next.  I wasn't allowed to play in a game until Jan. 1st of the next season I played (Half the season), this prevented me from making every team I tried out for....

Before the end of the school year, I was suspended at least once more for skipping class(Genius idea), then afterward put on some kind of attendance monitoring where I learned how to forge signatures of all my teachers, nice... but sooo wrong....  After awhile, I even talked to my VP... in maybe my first conscious attempt to better my behavior I told him that I would finish the school year and attend my classes without monitoring.... but not telling him about the forging.

As summer 1995 began I believed myself to be altering my life's path.  Not sure where I got that idea, however, I did make attempts....  But I had to complete summer school for the first time which I slept through to a passing grade;  I also had stopped playing baseball after the previous season, that left me with a lot of free time.  I was offered a place as an assistant coach for a baseball team, in a much younger age group, I took it thinking I could do it and keep myself out of trouble and stay away from distractions...

Maybe I tried too hard all at once, with all my obligations I think I was a bit overwhelmed with the structure... because all the partying continued as well as the drug use... my all night long hours really conflicted with the daytime structured activities and obligations which soon came to an end, unfortunately, without even a second thought or a care in the world.... in all my attempts to change, my point of view of the world probably needed the most adjustment.

As the summer progressed, they were tearing apart the neighborhood catholic elementary... I saw the machinery and had an idea, the Bobcats used to move all manner of materials were being operated by workers that were drinking almost constantly while they worked... I took notice, and also noticed they left the keys in after they left for the day.... interesting?

After some convincing, I talked a friend into helping me, because there was 2 machines, into getting them started one night and seeing what we could do with them... Work gloves in hand and all, we tried to get them started... finally figuring it out, we started driving them around the immediate parking lot learning the operations & controls.... them moved on to our own construction projects... sort of...

I was initially going to drive through the main school, but decided to tear up a portable instead...  that was kind of fun... we went on to rip stuff out of the ground for a while before the police showed up on scene & gave chase... I saw them late, my friend was already gone when I saw him running, they were already on my ass...  I got out and ran... they gave chase on foot, tackled me real hard face first into gravel or sand or something.... cuffed me and dragged me by the chain back to the cruiser at the other side of the park and proceeded to beat me for longer than I can remember... KO'd a couple times, blacked out a couple more... not sure if they knew or just kept beating me the whole time... Cops are unbelievably good at not leaving bruises & inflicting maximum pain...

With my last charges still outstanding, I was released on bail with pretty much house arrest & non-association conditions, they told my friend that I gave him up.... bullshit! 

These conditions were so strict, I was in violation almost every minute of the day... even when I was trying to be good... police would be knocking down our door... I was trying to stay out of trouble so much that I didn't have time for much else, I had to hide just taking my dog for a walk...

Around Labor Day weekend, give or take, 2 girls from the neighborhood, started a beef over the phone one afternoon.... resulting in one of the largest neighborhood fight preparations I had seen, at that time at least... gathering for hours and waiting til late, It ended with a lot less violence than expected, but half the police department showed up after being tipped off by somebody.... keep in mind this was still back when people chose to use their fists as weapons, even when blades and stuff were still present and available...

During the first week of school, friends joked with me that I wasn't in jail...  I was surprised as well, joking back saying, "you never know, maybe next week..." little did I know.

I had been a rough year to that point, as much as I wanted to, and thought of ways to change, they just never got implemented very well.  There was always something getting in the way and blocking that path for me... My environment at that time in my life was one of destruction and violence, both self inflicted and upon others.  My hand was forced on a number of occasions where I was only given options that would have made the situation worse, I had to choose the lesser or a degree there of...

Crime and Violence was a way of life for me back then and the choices I made eventually lead to clearer decision making down the road, but it also made me cold... for a long time I did not acknowledge feelings inside me, that to this day, I think might have saved me earlier...

My first bid came from an event that took place on a Sunday morning/afternoon... while I was with friends including my recent co-accused, drinking where we normally played basketball... the court was filled with cars because of the neighboring church.  We decided to play anyway... around the cars, on the cars, over the cars... no damage was done, but some old guys playing Tennis heard glass break and tried to make a citizens arrest... so I took off after one them tried to restrain me with his tennis racket... surprisingly that was never mentioned, he let me go when I threatened to hit him... he happened to have a pace maker...

We were both arrested and spent a bit of time in open custody (a group home) because we were youths, but in separate places because of the bail conditions...  now with three sets of unresolved charges... and no idea what was going to happen... Can't recall what happened to him, I think he was released on time served after a couple weeks, I got time served plus another month and probation... just in time for my 16th birthday...

I was released in October 1995, only to realize that nothing was going to change...  My mother even asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to change, but we went back home, to the same house, in the same neighborhood... and I went back to the same school with the same group of friends... although that matter was resolved, I still had the assault charges from earlier in the year to deal with.  My dad begged relatives to take me in, all across the country with very little success...

Things just got worse when I wasn't able to make a team the next hockey season, way too much free time, but I think I played my second year of football that fall...  just another attempt to stay out of trouble, but football is a fairly short season...  November was catch up at school... I was doing courses from two different schools because the group home had its own teacher and school on the property, all the courses were correspondence, so I was able to take it home with me...

Where was I headed?  How do I change it?  It  takes a lot more than just an idea, or the want to...
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