Freeze Flame Productions Inc

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Set Backs & Milestones: The Rizes & Falls

Part 28:  Choices Vol. 6, Don't Have to be Locked up to be in Jail...


Although I was released during the week, I certainly felt as if I was doing time.  I was able to continue where I left on in school, but had a lot of catching up to do... I spent my free time in the library, and was surprised to find out just how many sexy smart girls there was in my school...

Only a hand full of people knew what was going on with me, my situation... and with that came a lot of avoiding conversations, etc... I kept to myself, even away from many of my closer friends. As I was able to catch up fairly quickly in most subjects, and without a social life & (car), I was left on my own to get myself around from place to place...

For the first time in a couple years I was a bus rider again, living in one city and going to school in another... This made my commute pretty long, but it gave me time to think of new things, projects, and what my next move was going to be...

My triple probation at the time, and my occupied time during a majority of the weekends left me without much free time, outside school and homework, etc..  Something that had been on my mind for many years that I had not done anything about.  My own adoption, I knew very little about any of it, and decided to ask my parents... They, unfortunately didn't know much either, but had a starting point...

I spent the following weeks corresponding with the Child and Family Services agency in Alberta, and found a couple other agencies to register my name with in Alberta and Ontario... They told me, however, that nothing would happen unless my birth mother contacted them the same way... That was just disappointing, but I didn't get too discouraged...

When Family Services finally got back to me, they had some additional information about my birth parents, but even better was that they provided my birth name as well as my birth family name... this was my new starting point.  I was just getting acquainted with the internet, but had figured out by that point how to do searches and what not...  I now had a family name, so I used a name search in Canada to narrow it down, then narrowed it down to BC and Ontario... Alberta wasn't an available choice.

After doing the search, I printed off the list of phone numbers and addresses, and then I was stumped.... Not sure what to do, I simply waited.  I was thinking of phoning, but didn't know what to say and didn't think I was ready for that route...  The lists were filed away for the time being...

By the time Christmas 1998, rolled around there wasn't much excitement in my life, but I was caught up in school and accomplishing my mandatory sessions required by my sentencing.. All these things taking up my time, I used the rest of the time documenting events in my life... This wasn't an easy process because I just didn't know where to start, I just had ideas and kept a record of ideas...

The search for my birth mother dwelled in the back of my mind, it always had... But now there was something more I could do... It just wasn't adding up to me.  Now I had yet another idea, I had the time, so I started researching genealogy for the name I had been supplied, as well as the name I had gone by my whole life... mostly out of curiosity, but also to know....

There was a feeling deep within, that if I didn't find these things out for myself, it may prevent me from moving forward in my life... it was another void to fill in the unknown sections of my life...  I was also reading a lot, spending more time at the book store, etc... With the knowledge of my birth mother, also came a renewed interest in my own heritage.

I had known for a time, that I was native, but never really did anything with that information... I started reading books, and finding information about that aspect of my heritage... It was around this time, that I adopted the name Red Brown.  A name I kept to myself, for myself... but started using it for various activities... 

It was strange, I knew I was out and allowed to move around fairly freely, but something inside was not letting me be free... I felt very restricted.  It was close to the end of January before I had to complete my final weekend... The first and the last weekend are supposed to be served at the jail.  So I went to the Jail to check in, and went through the motions of the intake... A process that I never did enjoy.

I was fortunate, however, my release day was on a Friday... So, I went through the check in process, then was immediately taken to the release area, and signed out, etc... I was now finished my Intermittent sentence as well as the temporary probation that came along with that... I must say, it was a weight off my mind.  I now only had two more Probation orders to complete... it was at that point, I made a decision...  

During my Weekends, I was ordered to attend anger/agression management sessions which covered me for my treatment aspect on my probation. Once those weekend were finished, that required stayed and I was supposed to seek some kind of treatment...  I decided that the easiest thing to do was to reconnect with the Doctor from my last group home and see what he had to say about the whole situation...

The decision to do this was an idea I had because my parents moving date was closing in. I not only had to find a place to live, but had to remain focused while trying to complete school as well... In our discussions, we decided that the best course of action was psychiatric medication.  I was far more open to it this time because I was ready for a hiatus from my drug use, etc... I had been on my own at this point for months, in terms of having friends around... 

It was in between semesters when I was able to find a little apartment for myself to live in to finish out the school year, and so on... My parents were much more supportive now that I was on medication, in school... making an effort basically.  They helped me move in around February 1999, and I was now living on my own.  I had done it before, but now had an apartment, rather than just a room in somebody else's house... It was only a month or so before my family was to move, so they were already packing... and cleaning up the new place, etc... they didn't have time to deal with me, but they weren't worried as much either...



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