Freeze Flame Productions Inc

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Setbacks & Milestones: The Rizes and Falls

PART 16:  Fear, Self inflicted?

After the police dropped me off at the jail house and welcomed me to my new home, they were on their way and out of my life.... Once the doors were closed behind me something clicked with me very quickly, as my life was about to turn a new corner, change was coming and it was time to adapt.  The only problem was myself, what was going on on my head, the dreams, the thoughts, and now the fear set in....

The fear itself was what really freaked me out, in a way that I had never felt before, or since.... it was something that I liked, but the enjoyment of that fear scared me even more.... it was so surprising to me, in fact.  Sure, I was scared of the situation as a whole, but that wasn't even the biggest fear... I was more afraid of myself and the potential of what I may have to do while incarcerated...

I was convinced that I would have to kill somebody during my time, and I quickly accepted that and was willing to do so... what scared me about that was the consequences of those type of actions, with no where to run or hide... I would have been forced to live with that knowledge out in the open knowing that other people would have known too, for sure.... for example, if one kills their own cell mate, who gets blamed(kind of a no-brainer)

What to do with this feeling?  I wasn't about to tell people about it, it was internalized like non other...  

The first month was by far the most trying, or maybe educational...after the first night, it was understood that the whole place was on overflow, and there was such a lack of space, I along with two or three others had to sleep in a glassed in room outside the actual cell block.... that continued for a few nights, while the days were spent on a cell block where we had no place...  

The conditions of overflow lasted the first weekend, then everybody went to court for bail hearings... many were released, but just as many returned.... My first trip to court in the back of a bus, filled with prisoners.  It was split down the middle, young offenders on one side, adult women on the other side of the wall... The trip to the court house was probably one of my first experiences where I had to make the choice.... 

Kill or be killed?  I thought so, I wanted to, if it came to it, I may have... out of the nine of us chained together I realized just how quickly skin tone came into play when the decision to pick on somebody comes around... being the palest, and most likely the youngest.... I was the one on the end of the chain gang, and it happened that I was the one with both my wrists cuffed, and to the next guy in line... 

The next three guys happened to be in the same crew, two of them real life cousins... the guy next to me, probably just as young, but a little bit darker was told to hit me, and almost on demand he did, on command until I stopped him... that was when the cuffs broke open... and I was out in the open.. two hands free...

You know that rush of adrenaline that you get when you want to hurt somebody in retaliation?  I don't completely remember how the next few minutes went, but I fought back, with more than a few of them, took a few shots... before we knew it we were at the court house and had to figure out how to chain ourselves back together.... 

It was a long day in the holding cells, we were all split into two cells, four in one, five in the other... in cells that were equipments to hold, maybe 2 people each... Picture a strip about 8-9 feet long and 5 feet wide, if that.... a toilet in the corner and a short bench.  I wasn't one to enjoy listening or taking orders from people that I actually like, but what I really hated was people doing as they are told because they are scared... so one by one, these guys told others to attack me... all day... fucking pain in the ass... I was ok with fighting, but when a guy says sorry to me before he starts fighting me, that just pissed me off...

Then it was on the to "leaders" of the day, acting all nice like we was friends, then trying to fight me... I just knew inside that once I grabbed one and started pounding his head in, I was gonna get jumped, so I had to take it in stride and fight one on one, and not back down...

The ride back was not as big of a deal, I somewhat proved myself... and the group was much smaller...  Back at the jail house, still no cell to make a semi-permanent home... it was about three weeks before I was actually moved onto a cell block and into a cell with a bunk, as well as a cell mate... That is where I stayed until my next court appearance, but first was all the psychiatric assessments.... This process took about a month to complete...

In the meantime, I had to deal with the day to day... I was able to get as comfortable as necessary, but I really forced myself not to get used to it...  The first cell mate I had to live with, was older than me, in fact, already an adult prisoner... transfered back to deal with some old charges, he seemed alright... much more relaxed than most of the guys...

The first idea I had was to get in shape, we were able to go out to yard, sometimes to the gym... for the first while, I stayed in my cell while they went outside... it was December, and all we were given were our sweaters... the last thing I wanted was to get sick, and it was already cold enough in the cell to chill our milk on the window ledge...

There was always a few people from the old neighbourhood passing through from time to time, some that I recognized and others I met that knew people that I knew.  I learned the set up of the ranges and where we had to go, I started making phone calls to pass the time, and keep up on news of my case, etc... 

My lawyer, was hired for my bail hearing, and was able to put off the next court date for a month, and schedule to psych stuff... then she quit... a quick buck, on what she said was a hopeless cause, ME.... 

The next month, was time to kill, waiting for a road trip of sorts... lots of time, to think, to stay active, keep my brain occupied... The was many nights where I woke up and had no idea where I was... 

The land of dreams had also become very potent and disturbing, violent and recurring once again, the dream of the day of the fire.... over and over, as If I was actually there... The not knowing was what really got to me.... What really happened?  I never did see it, and there was many nights that I woke up thinking that it didn't happen...

As I killed my time, waiting and watching guys leave and come back, sometimes they were only out for a few days, others a couple weeks... Then it was my turn, to get out, for the day.... only to travel to another secure facility, Psych assessment(s) were meant to find out whether or not I was fit to stand trial....







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