PART 32: The First Day of the Rest of My Life
On November 29, 1999 My probation was finally over. For the first time since I was around 14-years-old, I felt free and clear from many things... I had also completed high school, finally.
The week, I finished my probation I made a conscious decision to move on with my life, I had technically already graduated and really received my diploma, but I was still in school... my eighth year of high school... So I discussed my situation with a few people around school and made the choice to kind of drop out, but only because I was leaving, not because I was quitting...
However, I did have a plan... it didn't seem like much at the time, but it set the stage for the rest of my journey... I had to give up my flood apartment, not something that I really wanted to do I enjoyed living on my own, but I needed to do some strategizing and save up some more money... so I ended up outside the city at my parent's new house...
They had suggested that I either get a job or go back to school, I tried both without much luck... I first tried to re-enter school, but was quickly denied due to my history and shuffled off to an adult learning center...
I was actively doing job search as well, but it was a small town and had much prejudice against young people in general, especially when it came to employment... the kids in that town had a bad habit of getting hired and quitting quickly... or just not showing up at all... So unless you had a car, you did not get hired...
My car was borrowed, on occasion I couldn't use it.... So after a couple weeks I decided to try out this adult school. It was slow in progress, very basic in the knowledge gained, etc... I wasn't too impressed. I ended up just going there to get into town and out of the house for the day... Then one day, I remembered something... The LIST!
My plan was originally too get a job, save some money and get a better apartment, or go to college for something related to Music... But, always lingering was my past, my adoption, etc. I felt as if though, if I didn't find out more I would get stuck wondering for the rest of my life. When I remembered the list, I had a new thought....
The list was packed away, for future use, not really thinking about how to use it. The first time around, I was thinking about phone numbers, calling people that had no idea who I was and telling them they might be my mother? I thought that was a little difficult...
When I took that list out the next time, I looked it over again, and tried to think of something new, ignoring the telephone numbers I looked at the names and realized the addresses... I could have smacked myself for not thinking of it sooner...
Trying to write a letter, a generic letter... something that may have gone to my mother or not... I was stuck on another idea. One day I went to the school and was trying to concentrate on the work and got really tired of trying to focus... I wanted to take a nap, so I went to the upstairs area and looked for a place to rest my head...
Sitting in a little cubicle and put my head down for while... when I awoke, I had an urge to write and something to write about... a way to approach the letter project... I wrote to each person on the list individually, it felt better to target the letters... it made more sense. After I had written a few I found my stride, and that was now the reason I went to the school... I wasn't doing school work, but I was productive.
I think, I dropped those letters in the mail five or ten at a time, in the end there was 26 letters, all to people with British Columbia addresses. Not much response, but some. The first was a phone call from an older man, who turned out later to be the brother of my grandfather, and another anonymous envelope with another list. This list was of 13 people with addresses of people in Alberta, something I did not find previously.
Again, with a brand new list, I went down to the adult school and sat in my cubicle and started to write again. This time, 13 more letters needed to be completed and it only took me a couple days. It was a big release to me, being able to get those letters out... after they were in the mail, I was able to focus on other things again.
By now, Christmas had come and gone. I was getting lazy, I wanted to find a job, or do something. I had an urge to travel, but without the money, it was almost impossible. I wasn't going out much either, I was still spending money on Cd's, but instead of going to the record store, I was ordering them from a mail order club... I was able to accumulate a lot of music over a short time, so much that I had to stop, they weren't getting anything new and I had bought just about everything in their catalogue...
When I finally found a job, it was a job in a motel kitchen washing dishes, with a promise to move up into a cooking position... Unfortunately, for me the dishwasher that I was supposed to work with quit after my second day. and left me all alone to do all the dishes, all the time... that cooking position was gone... I was pretty pissed about that.
Instead of coming in for the afternoon, I came in a couple hours after they opened so I could catch up and possibly show the cooks that I had time to get into the kitchen. It seemed that when I showed up early they would just make more mess and faster, so much that I didn't even get to take a break most days.. one of those jobs you just want to say FUCK IT, and leave when they're at their busiest...
As much as I hated it, I put up with it to pay my bills, and save a bit of money, I cleared my small debts, and put enough away... to go somewhere.
It was now February 2000, and I had not got my license back... it was reinstated from the end of my probation, but I had to pay a fee and when I did that, they told me I had to take a course about drunk driving. That was to cost me about $500, I was again, fairly pissed off about that... My conviction wasn't even drinking and driving. I was convicted of Dangerous Driving, and when I called and told them that, I was told I didn't have to do the course. I just had to re-do my licensing tests...
In early March, I went and wrote the test and passed with little trouble, the next step was to schedule a time for my driving test, in order to get my license back. I was able to get a time, but it wasn't until June 22, 2000... it was along wait.
It was around this same time, that I had to go to the dentist... I found out that my wisdom teeth needed to be removed. This procedure was scheduled for May or the end of April... I was surrounded by wait times.. And because I was at the time, on medication they said I would have to get it done in the hospital, it was also covered by OHIP so we got kind of lucky that way... usually, its a procedure that has to be paid for.
Still, in March, but later in the month... Late one night, I was watching a movie with my dad "Scarface," when the phone started to ring, it was for me...
The voice on the other side of the line, introduced herself as my Aunt Rose, and explain who she was, and that she had got my letter. We talked for a few minutes about how I went about the whole process... and she told me that when she read the letter she knew exactly who I was... before we said our goodbyes, she mentioned that an uncle would call soon as well as my mother.
In that order, shortly one after another, My uncle called, we talked for a bit and he told me who he was and where he was from, I was able to recognize from the addresses I had available to me... he told me he and his wife had just had a child, and had two others already.... We all looked forward to meeting each other... It was definitely a lot to take in, but I was ready...
It was between my Mother calling, and after my uncle got off the line with me another woman called, she had the same last name, but was not related to any of us... However, I still talked to her for a short time, to tell her my story as she was interested in knowing... we parted ways telling each other that maybe we would meet at some point anyway... and she wished me lots of luck...
It was only a few moments after that call, that the phone rang again, this time the voice on the line seemed nervous, and introduced herself.... It was my Birth mother, we talked for a while stumbling over our words to find out more about each other. We both asked each other if we could meet at some point, I agreed...
Because it was still March, and I had a surgical appointment and a driving test to take care of. I told her those things would be taken care of, and then I would come out west and meet everybody... We made arrangements for the summer, and I told her I would look into my travel plans as soon as I got off the phone... but the earliest I would leave would be July 2000.
After that night, all I could think about was my trip, how to go what to bring, etc.. How to get out of the job I had... I had saved money in a variety of ways for this time, and wasn't sure when it was going to happen....
On my breaks, at work, I would wander the property looking for places to hide and sleep, I really didn't want to be there anymore... I had washed enough dishes at that time, it wasn't my first dish job, but I hated it just as much... same promises and no progress...
It was the day before my surgery, and I told my boss I wouldn't be back for a couple weeks, so I could recover... My boss told me to be back the day after my surgery... I just never went back, I wanted to recover without difficulty or infection, etc..
I was sick of the job anyway, I had plans to start, I needed to get better quickly... All I remember from the surgery was the moment of the prick and the anesthetic needle, and seeing my heart rate drop like a big loop on the monitoring screen... And waking up violently... to the point where my dad had to hold me down... I really don't know why that happened, it was weird... I must have been having some crazy drug dreams... As soon as I came out of it I sat up...
Only one thing left to do, was get my license back... such a long wait, but I was able to recover.. For almost a month, I slept with my face on ice packs, and didn't eat much outside of painkillers... when The swelling finally went away, I had lost a lot of wait.. I had told my doctor and my parents that I would stay on my meds while I was away, but I knew it wouldn't happen...
I had lost a bunch of wait and started feeling much better about myself as a result, so I stopped taking them even before I left, and I noticed that weight came off just that fast...
The day I took my driving test, I insisted that I was there to take my G2 test, but they told me that it wasn't... I was there to take my driving test for my full license, G. I decided not to argue about it and took the test and past it with flying colours,. much to the surprise of my instructor.... After passing the test, and returning the test center, they realized they had made a mistake, I had done the wrong test.. but I passed the test and they had to issue the license accordingly...
I still had a couple weeks, until my planned departure date. I had purchased my bus ticket, actually a pass, good for 60 days. I had a couple weeks to wait, and prepare. I wanted to bring my music, and something to read on the bus my magazines... The bus was much cheaper, but with this pass I was able to go anywhere in Canada for the next two months... I was able to bring certain things, one may not be able to on a plane. I secured an ounce before my departure, and was more than enough for myself...
My family spent the weekend together taking in some sights in Toronto, Canada Day weekend, July 1st... Went on a boat cruise around the harbour and the island... there was a music festival at the Harbourfront Center, where I stopped for a moment to listen to a guy telling his story about traveling and playing his music... the story stuck in my head for while.
There was a concert series that I had wanted to catch that summer, The Up in Smoke Tour, which had a stop in Toronto, on July 4, 2000... the day I left Toronto for the first time since My family had moved there in 1986...
On July 4, 2000 with 2 bags and a carry on... my dad gave me a handshake and told me good luck as I got on the bus, I told him I would be back... I got on the bus and found a place to sit... as the bus pulled away... I thought my plans were taking shape, I waved goodbye, and looked forward to the road ahead...
Although, that day back in November may have been the first day of the rest of my life, this may have been the day my life actually began... This was more than just a bus trip for the summer...
This was my journey, I was trying to figure out where I came from to move on with who I was supposed to be... My Journey of self discovery...
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