Part 17: Life of Dreams Vol.3, Is this Real? Mental Fitness?
The first month was so active and disappointing, that it could have broke just about anybody... There was a lot of waiting, not knowing, I was given the run around by just about everybody I knew, something was not right...
The Psych assessments were supposed to take a month, my understanding was that I was going to moved to a new facility, what really happened was that there was about three days worth of tests, spread out over a months time. This was very defeating, two days were mainly testing, and sitting in a bare cell for the rest of the day.... every question and answer was analyzed and scrutinized, it made it very hard to speak openly without being judged...
The final day of the assessments were spent waiting in that empty cell, while all the doctors involved discussed results, I guess... Then I was lead into an office, where in front of me sat about 9 doctors and others taking notes, like court reporters or something... how many times can someone be ask the same question "Do you hear voices?" That question til this day, from a doctor makes me want to strangle somebody.... basically, if you don't hear voices, there is nothing wrong with you? Three days and what seemed like a thousand tests.... for that?
I must have went back to court shortly before Christmas, but I don't think it was for anything other than to find out that I was mentally fit to stand trial... after that day, I never saw a court room for about 3 months... we now had to wait for disclosure, bail was never set, so I never really had a bail hearing, but I also never had anybody to bail me out any way.... so why get my hopes up now?
When I got back to the jail house, we were all shuffled around and I had a new cell mate at the end of the day... with Christmas just around the corner and no knowledge of my future, I was stuck, my life in limbo, but calmer for some reason, I started reading and lifting weights as much as I could, to keep my mind occupied.... The dreams had not stopped, in fact, they had gotten increasingly violent and disturbing, but now not always reoccurring in the same manner...
The was a strike looming for the union workers that ran the jail... tensions were high all the time, but this made things even worse...
It was late January 1996, when our range got word that there had been a huge riot down the hall, and more were expected... and the strike was inevitable... the guards were sick of doing their jobs, or wanted more money... some bullshit that affected our lives directly...
About 2 weeks before the strike actually started, a new guy came in and had smuggled something, he was a known crack head to many of the guys and ended up getting jumped by about 12 or so of them.... this lead to us all getting locked down for the rest of the month leading up to the strike...
When the strike eventually kicked in, they shuffled everybody again... it took hours to get in & out of the building for court dates, so many inmates were stuck sitting in court vans that whole time... I didn't have to experience this until sometime in March.
We basically did everything from our cells, we were let out in pairs to make calls or shower, we ate in the cells, etc... this went on from Feb. until Mid-April...
I was still in a state of disbelief, I would wake up some nights think that I was still in a dream, sometimes, it put me in such deep thought, that I believed I was stuck in a coma somewhere and all of my surroundings were part of something bigger, inside my mind... I was losing my grip on reality, and I had by this point been completely sober for months... It made me wonder how I could be feeling this way and still have been found competent...
Disclosure came in sometime in March, and my lawyer showed up to go through it with me. I now had a lawyer, that was being paid through legal aid, but working with my parents... She didn't really believe anything I said because of what she had talked to my parents about, behind my back... it was a tough night, what I saw in the disclosure...
I found out who were my friends, and who weren't. What people really thought about me, and the things they said about me regarding the charges... I couldn't believe what I saw, it took a couple hours to go through, it was a thick as a dictionary, but lacked any evidence, photos, etc... it was all statements from people in the neighbourhood.
When all you have is time, to think, and time to yourself... it really makes you dwell on things... before the end of the night I was placed on suicide watch. Not really suicidal, just so they could keep an eye on me... I wasn't even able to speak, it was the equivalent of having a whole neighbourhood, rat you out, for lack of a better way to say it...
Having spent a great portion of my time before ending up in jail trying, sincerely, to turn my life around, not that anybody even took notice... I held on to what really cleared my thoughts and kept me in good spirits as much as it could... Hip Hop music was all that kept me together....
Now I was torn, between trying to change my life now, at that point, and plotting some kind of revenge, something I wanted so bad some days...
My Pre-trial was set, and reset about three times before my lawyer decided to plea it out rather than take the case any further... Revenge and anger fuel me through my workouts helping me vent those feelings...
Hip Hop fueled my positivity, believe it or not... in a way it never had before... it both kept me going, and helped keep my mind off the things that sent my thoughts and dreams into sequences of rage...
The pink walls and enclosed cells, was taking my mental state into the unknown... a place I didn't want to be, but a place that made me survive without even trying very hard, it was a natural feeling, but an unnatural state of mind... I needed balance... my last court date was coming...
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